Married Man Recounts Day He Lost His Balls To Wife

El Segundo, CA – John Peters, a 32 year old Internet Engineer, shared the exact moment he lost his testicles in his 8 year marriage.

The event happens to all men in their marriages. It’s the point where they keep their opinions to themselves because it makes the relationship smooth. Many scientist call this phenomenon “The De-Ball,” “She got ya Dick!,” and “Damn dude, you in love.”

John claims it was a cold December night and they were heading home from his wife’s Christmas work party. “I had just got done apologizing for not agreeing with her, but I kept getting berated.” The so-called “PHP l0Rd” recalls a long silence followed by, “You got my DICK.” The situation was solved when Mr. Peters gave up his opinions in order to achieve a calm life. “My wife, Jeanine, was super pissed and I was confused,” John added. The middle manager now stays in his corner of the house, where he collects bobble heads of cartoon characters from the 1980s.  “I’m proud to own Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” he said as we were leaving. “Sorry you guys have to leave, but my wife doesn’t want company past 8,” he added.

As every man’s deballing is a different experience, they all share the same fate. If you find yourself in this situation, please call your father-figure and apologize for not understanding why be was always quiet. Your mother-figure wanted it that way, and it was too late for your father-figure to return from “The De-Ball.”


Right Thinks Wright is All Wrong

The popular Netflix original series, House of Cards has come under attack by a social organization who calls themselves, the “Right Ladies Who Lunch.” The all-female organization consists of 12 members who all live on 24th Street in Washington County and consider themselves to be vigilantes in their fight for “Women to be women and men to be men.” The women meet once a week at the local Ruby Tuesday to partake in the salad bar and talk about women in the media who they hate. “Ruby Tuesday is our favorite restaurant. They make a nice ham salad. It has just enough mayo,” explained newest member, Diana Caridaway. The organization was founded in late 2013 after their Bunko group disbanded following former 24th Street resident, Lynne Arse’s move to Ramsey County. “Lynne hosted all of the Bunko parties so her move destroyed our group,” said Right Ladies Who Lunch Grand Supreme President, Sandy Betch right before she motioned with her hand for the server to come over and informed him that he needed to refill the ranch dressing at the salad bar.  “Lynne’s house is too far away now. I refuse to make that drive now that gas is so expensive thanks to those people who live in that far away desert country, and want to take away our freedom to speak English in America.” When their Bunko parties were no more, Betch decided that the women might “enjoy getting into politics while also enjoying some lunch.”

The organization’s target this week is House of Card’s star, Robin Wright. After taking their second trip through the Ruby Tuesday Salad Bar, the members sat down to review their petition, which was created in hopes to persuade Netflix to cancel House of Cards. The organization takes issue with Robin Wright’s hair. “It’s too short,” said Right Ladies Who Lunch Grand Supreme, Sandy Betch. “Women were meant to grow their hair long, but unfortunately Ms. Wright has fallen prey to Hollywood’s standard of boy beauty.” The Right Ladies Who Lunch believes that stars like Justin Bieber, Bruce Jenner and Miley Cyrus are to blame. “These ‘men’ are becoming the new standard of beauty for women in this country and I just think it’s downright disgusting. Short hair don’t care? Well we care. A lot,” stated the group’s Mini Supreme, Cara Marter who also runs their Twitter page. “Right now four of our nine followers have favorited our recent Tweet about the dangers of short-haired women. I think that alone should prove to Netflix that we mean business.”

Once upon a time they thought they could make us dance. They couldn't. Now they think they can make us cut our hair. We won't. Make Robin Wright grow out her hair or go off the air. #SplitEndsAreSexy

A tweet from Right Ladies who Lunch

Netflix was unavailable for comment.

You can follow the Right Ladies Who Lunch on Twitter @LynneArseIsDeadToUs or you can sign the petition here:

-Joleen Lunzer

Follow me: @PaleGurl