Foreigner in the NBA Playoffs

By: Dave Williamson

Miami, FL – The Miami Heat made a significant roster move that flew under the radar. Although he has yet to log a minute of playing time, the Heat added Serbian PF Naanci Danilovic to their squad. Naanci, which is reportedly a very masculine name in his native Bologna, is first cousins with Sasha Danilovic, who was a stand out Shooting Guard for the Heat in the 90’s. Sasha apparently is equally as embarrassing of a boy’s name in Serbia as it is in the United States.

Some claim it is a desperate move to add a big body for possible post season match ups with Brooklyn, Chicago, or Indiana, but Heat representatives say they’ve been eyeing the big man for a while.

“Naanci has been on our radar all year. His paperwork just took a long time to clear based on some legal trouble he has had in his country,” said Heat President Pat Riley.

“He’s a biter,” followed Head Coach Eric Spoelstra. “He has bitten somebody in every game he has played in overseas. Some incidents led to charges, so that’s what led to the delay. We are glad to have him now, though.”

The Heat currently have a 1-0 lead against the Charlotte Bobcats in the first round of the Play-offs.

LeBron Suspended For Mask

The Thursday night game, Miami Heat vs New York Knicks, has found the league MVP in hot water. LeBron James has been suspended from the NBA indefinitely for breaking league rules.

“Lebron’s portrayal of Blackface was shameful and will not be tolerated,” stated NBA Commissioner Adam Silver. “I was really offended, and Lebron should have known better.” Mr. Silver was seen turning off his television and shaking his head in disappointment after the game. “The NBA has reached a new low,” he added, “We are not a reality housewives show.” LeBron James has been suspended for breaking player conduct policy that clearly states no player is to participate in Vaudevillian activity during a regulation game.

America is at a standstill to decide if the mask was offensive. “I was disgusted,” said Stanley Ipkiss of Wisconsin. Ipkiss, a Caucasian dairy farmer and NBA enthusiast, forced his children to go to bed early and drank Miller Lites until he had forgotten what he saw. When asked if getting blackout drunk was the best coping mechanism, Ipkiss responded, “Ooh, somebody stop me!”

The African American Community was outraged as well.  Native New Yorker, John Henry Irons, was asked whether he was offended by the mask and replied, “He was wearing a mask?” GUR did not ask any further questions.

LeBron’s co-captain and head coach didn’t see anything wrong with the mask. “He looked like Leather Face and Batman. It was bad ass.” interjected Dwayne Wade.  “He put up 31 points. I don’t care if he wears a KKK hood if he keeps playing like that.” said Head Coach Erik Spoelstra.  Not all teammates were happy with LeBron’s decision. “Man, If I did that, I would have a size 22 shoe in my ass, KAW!, ” said a white teammate who wished to remain anonymous.

LeBron James Wearing A Mask

LeBron James wearing his mask.

Players around the league are weighing in on the incident. Dirk Nowitzki wanted vengeance. “It’s time we make a clear statement that racism and Vaudeville have no place in the NBA. Suspend LeBron! Then start the playoffs really really quickly.” Kevin Durant questioned the media, “What was so offensive? He was trying to protect his broken nose. I don’t get it.” The press remained silent as the tension was thicker than Serena Williams’ thighs. No one moved from their press seats, until Durant left the room. The press sighed in relief because, like always, they didn’t have to ask or answer pressing questions.

Miami fans are in shock as their title chances fade quicker than LeBron’s hair line. Saddened Heat fans are looking to move forward and on to the next bandwagon.  ”I really thought this was going to be their three peat year,” said number one fan Chris Kaman, center for the LA Lakers, “I guess I’ll just have to root for the Thunder now, go Kevin!”

LeBron James will appeal his suspension. He is set to meet with Commissioner Silver this Tuesday and will ask, “What’s the big deal, bitch?” Adam Silver is prepared to answer by showing LeBron the 1986 movie Soul Man.