How To Find Your True Love at a Gay Bar in 10 Easy Steps

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Follow these 10 easy steps to find your true love at a gay bar!—

Items you will need:

Weave made out of pigeon parts
Bag of beef jerky
Lonely angst

Step 1      Go to a gay bar.
Step 2      Make sure you gasp loudly at the first guy you see when you walk in and then leave right away.
Step 3      Wait 30 minutes in your car, eat the beef jerky and then come back in.
Step 4      Find the same guy you gasped at. At this point, he is now in love with you.
Step 5      Go to the bathroom and place the pigeon weave on. This will seal the deal with your fella.
Step 6      Fill your pockets with bathroom trash.
Step 7      Find a crevice or hidden area of the bar and lay down.
Step 8      Cover your face with the trash revealing only your eyes.
Step 9      Lie perfectly still staring at everyone walking by.
Step 10    Psst your fella over to you. He will be so flattered by you, that he will ❤ you forever!

Congratulations! You found true love at a gay bar!!!

How to Have An Emotional Breakdown in Public in 5 Easy Steps

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1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.

2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.

3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!

4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.

5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.

Enjoy your public breakdown!