1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.
2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.
3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!
4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.
5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.
In an attempt to promote her upcoming reality show, “9 Lives Times 2,” Lindsay Lohan is planning to release a list (written in tears) of all the famous people who have turned her down for sex. According to Lindsay, after spending the evening at the “library” getting drunk off knowledge with her best friend, manager and part-time mother, Dina Lohan, Lindsay decided to create the list in an attempt to prove that she is not only literate, but also willing to embrace her failures. “I have this really great new therapist (her mom) and she was like, ‘If you want to get paid again in Hollywood, you need to throw a couple of people under your rented Porsche” and I was all like, ‘Mom,…I mean therapist, you’re super smart. Why didn’t I think of that?’ Lindsay continued, “I really sat down long and hard to think about it. And after ten minutes of soul-searching, I realized what a good idea it was. Then my therapist was all, ‘We can sell it to Former Star Magazine. I’ll get my cut and you’ll get yours and then we can go to the library every night,’ which made me really thirsty.” It has been reported that Dina Lohan takes a 79 percent cut of all monies Lindsay makes.
Lindsay spent the next five hours writing down the names of every Hollywood star who has ever denied her advances. She also included the reasons they had for not wanting to dip their wick. “I wrote down everyone I could remember. I’m sure I left off a couple hundred, but I did my best,” said Lindsay. She also said that she used her own tears to write the list so that people would know it really came from her. “I wanted to include my DNA so that no one could claim I didn’t write it. I can write. I know how to pause when talking,” Lindsay then stopped talking, held her breath for six seconds, smoked a cigarette and then coughed up a spongy gray ball of phlegm right before lighting another cigarette.
GUR has obtained an excerpt from Lindsay’s list. We asked for the entire list; however, she said that after she wrote it, she “just wanted to smell it,” but then it “accidentally went up my nose.”
The soon to be released list includes:
Eva Mendez or Eva Longoria. I can’t tell them apart, but I think they both said no because they are racist.
Harry Potter. We never did it because he didn’t have a way to get to my house. He said the alternator on his broom stick went out.
Tom Hanks. He made up some excuse about being married to this old lady.
Oprah. She didn’t want to mix business with the BizzzzzznASS.
Ronald Reagan. Apparently he’s dead.
Blade. I tweeted him asking if he wanted to come over one night and he tweeted back that he wasn’t real.
Tom Cruise. He wanted me to tell all my secrets to this Science guy first but they weren’t even going to pay me.
Nancy Grace. She said hooking up with me would be like putting perfume on a pig.
Kanye West. I’m not exactly sure if he said no, but he wouldn’t stop talking about his leather jeans so I just assumed he wasn’t into girls.
Hello Kitty. Bitch never called me back.
Judge Judy. She didn’t want to get with me because she said I was a liar. I told her I wasn’t a liar and then she said, “You now how I know when Lindsay Lohan is lying? Her lips are moving.”
Corey Feldman. I actually changed my mind when I realized he was the wrong Corey. It sux when the good one go first.
The Backstreet Boys. They told me they didn’t want it that way.
Mitt Romney. He told me that my private sector wasn’t private enough.
Brian from Family Guy. I have a thing for smart dogs and we were hitting it off at Chateau Marmont, but then I barfed on the table and cleaned it up with my hair. He said he was “grossed-out,” which is so hypocritical cuz he licks his own butt.
Tim Nelson. He’s was the sound guy on “Dick and Liz.” He said no cuz he was too busy holding the boom mic.
Lindsay has not complained in months and her friends are worried. “Usually, she has an empty opinion, and now she’s doesn’t talk. It’s like she wants to stop sounding like a jackass,” claims best friend iPhone 5s.
Lindsay is preparing for the release her new reality show. But, Oprah’s OWN Network isn’t sure how it will turn out. “She hasn’t said one thing in weeks, ” added producer Tim Reyes. “She reads the whole time and tries to build her own opinions.” Like all reality TV show networks, OWN has banned anyone’s own opinion from the air. The show almost pulled the plug when Lindsay stop being egotistical and started caring for people around her. “She offered us a glass of water, ” Tim revealed. And as we all know, being considerate is not good TV.
Lohan’s fans are going to see a new persona. One that confidently knows she is more than a pretty face. “You mean I’m not suppose to want to be loved for being pretty?,” revealed 11 year old super fan Jolene Frego. “It’s so confusing from what television tells me.”
Where does this new perspective come from? Lindsay Lohan learned to read and is building her own opinions by reading biographies of late great black men. Some titles include The Autobiography of Malcolm X, Up from Slavery, and Who is Michelle Obama?.
Lohan Caught Reading In Public
“I don’t have to fake a personality, ” quotes Lindsay. “I can be my own person and I hope little girls everywhere will aspire for education.”
The news shocks Hollywood as TV executives are scrambling to block women empowerment. “Who’s going to show us their boobies?!,” stated an anonymous head of NBC. “Lindsay use to be something I wanted to dry hump, ” he added ,” Now, I have to listen to her talk; she’ like my wife!!” The anonymous executive was asked if he would watch the show. “No, I won’t. But, I’ll make my daughter watch it. I make her steer clear of that fake wanting to be a celeb, and this ‘opinion’ sounds nice.”
Lindsay Lohan can be at the library on Sunset Ave.