It’s officially that time of the year again for everybody in America to take off their boring everyday normal sane person hat, put on a couple tutus, yell at some cheese, smear poop on their front door, fill the bathtub with mayonnaise, and turn the boob tube to ESPN Ocho, because it’s March Descent Into Madness time (brought to you by Papa John’s).
Hi, I’m Nikola Tesla. You probably know me as the guy from history who looks a lot like Frank Zappa. But what you didn’t know about me is that I was also a mad electrical scientist. I was the first person in history to literally shock and awe an audience. And I’ve been doing color commentating and erotic blogging to pay off the lawyer fees ever since.
But enough about me, let’s get into my top picks for this years March Descent Into Madness. This year has by far the best lineup of crazies I’ve ever seen.
My personal favorite, one that hits very close to home, Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets have a tough road ahead of them beginning with a game against Belief You Can Control Ocean Tides If You Want. Now I don’t trust anything that grows in the ground and has babies, but when it comes to madness this March, I can trust these carrots to take it to the final rounds of the tourney. They play good defense and always know exactly when to keep your trust and when to spill the magical beans. Ocean tides on the other hand have a strong team this year, but with the moon orbiting farther and farther away from the Earth every year, they just don’t have the strength they used to.
Another strong contender for the final round is Sleeping In A Dumpster. Last year we saw them lose out early in the tourney to Counting Cat Hairs On A Dog because their lead scorer was tricked into joining Circus Soleil, but this year he was able to convince them the wasn’t a Canadian acrobat and is now sleeping in dumpsters with the best of them. Watch out though in their first game against the always competitive Never Blinking who went for an entire decade without blinking but was disqualified from last years tourney when the league found out they were doping superglue into to their eyes. I feel they learned their lesson and are back this year to prove everybody wrong.
My favorite underdog pick this year has got to be Won’t Put Knife Down. They play with such tenacity and grip. It’s a wonder they aren’t higher ranked. I met with a few of their players last night only to conclude that they mean serious business and would only talk to me from behind a door through morse code of tapping their knives on the door handle and yelling “Here’s Johnny!” They begin the tourney with a game against Everything Is Tentacles Now? who have lead the East Coast in scoring and holding onto things. Can the tentacles take the knives away? I for sure am going to be watching this one on ESPN Ocho.
And finally my honorable mentions:
Sexual Jealousy of Clouds, Aggressive Nudity, Revenge Pooping, and the University of Kentucky
Awww, March Descent Into Madness. Can you feel the electric tension in the air? Because if you can’t then you’re probably not taking enough of those pills that homeless guy gave you. I’m Nikola Tesla rocking on electric avenue wishing you safe soldering and always remember your resistor 4-band color code: 1st band, 2nd band, 3rd band, multiplier, and then tolerance (brought to you by Papa John’s).
Dear Madison & Kelsey,
I’ll never truly understand why you would do me so dirty as to literally kick me to the curb. I lived with you for six years while you were both trying to get your Associate’s degree in dental assisting. I was good enough for you to sit on, eat on, study on, hook up with random people on…hell I even let your Aunt Flo sit on me – except for that one month Kelsey was on a bender and forgot to take her “medicine” and Aunt Flo decided not to visit. Apparently I was good enough then, but I’m not now. Now that you both have jobs and make more than zero dollars an hour, you think you can play me like this? You couldn’t even donate me or better yet burn me. Because I’d rather die than live with such betrayal.
And just so you know, I heard about your new couch from Ikea. IKEA!? You chose to be dirty Swedish socialists rather than represent the stars and stripes?? I hope you enjoy standing in line for days just to get your Pinkberry fix because getting yogurt ice cream outside of America is no easy feat. They don’t even have brownie bites as a topping option.
HOWEVER, there is still time for you to make this right. You two vapid hoes can come back and pick me up before one more homeless man makes sweet love to himself on me. I can’t take being out on this curb one more day. As you can see the vultures on the streets of Hollywood have left me naked without my cushions with nothing more than an empty bottle of some drunk community college drop-out’s urine and napkins that were later used to blow his coke-filled nose. No former fine piece of furniture that was once featured on the Macy’s showroom floor and on the front page of their ads seven times in 1999 should have to live like this.
Therefore, I am putting you both on blast. I hope that this will encourage one kind citizen out there to save me by returning me to my rightful two bedroom apartment on Gardner Avenue in West Hollywood. And if that is not possible, please grab some gasoline and a match and put me out of my misery.
In closing, you’re both basic and I hate you. I hope you get run over by a pack of crotch rockets while crossing Hollywood Boulevard in your ratchet Charlotte Russe wedges.
Your Former Sofa,
You think you’re better than me!?! You’ll never be better than me. I am a lady of fabric and comfort. You two scallywags ain’t about this life.
The popular Netflix original series, House of Cards has come under attack by a social organization who calls themselves, the “Right Ladies Who Lunch.” The all-female organization consists of 12 members who all live on 24th Street in Washington County and consider themselves to be vigilantes in their fight for “Women to be women and men to be men.” The women meet once a week at the local Ruby Tuesday to partake in the salad bar and talk about women in the media who they hate. “Ruby Tuesday is our favorite restaurant. They make a nice ham salad. It has just enough mayo,” explained newest member, Diana Caridaway. The organization was founded in late 2013 after their Bunko group disbanded following former 24th Street resident, Lynne Arse’s move to Ramsey County. “Lynne hosted all of the Bunko parties so her move destroyed our group,” said Right Ladies Who Lunch Grand Supreme President, Sandy Betch right before she motioned with her hand for the server to come over and informed him that he needed to refill the ranch dressing at the salad bar. “Lynne’s house is too far away now. I refuse to make that drive now that gas is so expensive thanks to those people who live in that far away desert country, and want to take away our freedom to speak English in America.” When their Bunko parties were no more, Betch decided that the women might “enjoy getting into politics while also enjoying some lunch.”
The organization’s target this week is House of Card’s star, Robin Wright. After taking their second trip through the Ruby Tuesday Salad Bar, the members sat down to review their petition, which was created in hopes to persuade Netflix to cancel House of Cards. The organization takes issue with Robin Wright’s hair. “It’s too short,” said Right Ladies Who Lunch Grand Supreme, Sandy Betch. “Women were meant to grow their hair long, but unfortunately Ms. Wright has fallen prey to Hollywood’s standard of boy beauty.” The Right Ladies Who Lunch believes that stars like Justin Bieber, Bruce Jenner and Miley Cyrus are to blame. “These ‘men’ are becoming the new standard of beauty for women in this country and I just think it’s downright disgusting. Short hair don’t care? Well we care. A lot,” stated the group’s Mini Supreme, Cara Marter who also runs their Twitter page. “Right now four of our nine followers have favorited our recent Tweet about the dangers of short-haired women. I think that alone should prove to Netflix that we mean business.”
Netflix was unavailable for comment.
You can follow the Right Ladies Who Lunch on Twitter @LynneArseIsDeadToUs or you can sign the petition here: http://www.realwomeneatsalad.com
Follow me: @PaleGurl