The BEST Swimsuits For Your Body Type According To Popular Women’s Magazines

Summer is finally here and you know what that means…it’s time to put on some spandex and jump into liquid!

We know what you’re thinking, “But I hate my body. How could there possibly be a swimsuit that can hide the horrible shame I feel about not having the body of a 14-year-old gymnast?” Have no fear, GUR is here to help you out of your media-conditioned body dysmorphic disorder and get you into the cancerous sun! Hooray!

We’ve consulted the TOP women’s magazines and put together a list of THEIR BEST swimsuit advice for your body type.

1. Pear Shaped

  • Fruit doesn’t swim. And pears are gross looking. Forgo wasting your money on a swimsuit and instead spend your summer passing your self-hatred onto your daughter.

2. Large Bust

  • Quit bragging! Boobs are just fat. So basically your “large bust” is just because you’re a big fat fatty fat fat. Plus natural boobs are gross. Cut those things off and go get some saline like a civilized woman.

3. Curvy

  • Really? You think people really think you’re “curvy?” They don’t. They think you should stitch a bunch of towels together and cover your entire body with them and then bury yourself in the sand.

4. Athletic

  • Athletic is code for manly. Just accept the fact that you look like a dude and dudes don’t wear bikinis so you shouldn’t either. But consider yourself lucky because dudes don’t have to read magazine articles about what swimsuits strangers  think they should wear to the beach. Dudes just put on a pair of shorts and enjoy life.

5. Straight

  • You’re the only one on this list who should buy a bikini or swimsuit period. Straight is good. Any deviation from the straight line of your body is bad. Enjoy the fact that your hips and waist are the same size. Well done on being self-disciplined enough to allow your body to starve and thus eat itself so that you can be as straight and thin as a pencil. Don’t worry if you’re too weak to hold your head up, just ask one of your fat friends to hold it up while you accept your title as Queen Beach.


Don’t even go there fatty. You’re at least a size 4 and that is just too big to be exposing your skin in public. In fact, we recommend that you keep your clothes on at all times…even when showering. You’re welcome. Girl Power!


Nachos Are Good For You Says Local Fitness Expert

A plate of nachos with cheese and salsa.

“Eat More Nachos.”

Tom Johansen, a fitness trainer, is claiming nachos are good for you.

“All that gooey melted cheese on chips is as healthy as a piece of broccoli covered in gooey melted cheese,” stated Mr. Johansen. The boisterous claim was made from his self funded fitness expo: Gimme Money. The expo is in it’s 4th year and claims to have several speakers from mortgage companies, pyramid schemes, and banking industry experts.

Tom Johansen conducted a yearlong study, and he concluded that Americans spend their money when they want to lose weight. In a statement released by Johansen’s company, Get You Fat Then Give Me Money, INC., there can be only one way to make money in fitness and that is to make people fat.

Pizza Hut, McDonalds’, and Burger King are teaming up to put a cease and desist order on the fitness trainer. “He can’t let the cat out of the bag,” said Daniel S. Schwartz, CEO of Burger King. Mr. Schwartz, also known as Richard Simmons, claims many fast food restaurants have been making money on the vicious cycle.

Many local residents don’t realize the connection between BK and Simmons, but are said to have a faint recollection of that fact. Hyde Clark felt suckered,” what’s the point in being skinny if I can’t eat what I want?” Hyde plans to spend the winter eating. “I’m done playing this game. I’m married. I don’t have to try.”

Doctors and nutritionists are backing Johansen’s claims, because they receive part of the profits.