Man Loses Son Claims YouTube Made Him Do It

Fayetteville, NC – It what appears to be an open and shut case for authorities is turning into a rampant call for YouTube to shutdown.

Denny Forrester, a fifth grader at Tacoma Elementary, was suppose to stay near his house. He ventured out and lost his way back. Denny found a police officer and cried that he couldn’t find his way home. His father, Sam Forrester, didn’t notice, but Denny was returned by the Fayetteville Police Department. Upon answering the door, Sam scolded his boy for leaving the house. The police were going to arrest Sam for negligence, but instead Sam shouted, “YOUTUBE MADE ME DO IT!” Sam claims he lost his son because he was stuck in a YouTube Rabbit Hole. A Youtube Rabbit Hole is when keep clicking on new videos even though it has nothing to do with your original search. Now the internet is on a massive witch hunt for YouTube to be shut down.

Many have taken to Facebook to voice their opinions to their peers of like minded opinion. “Everyones agree with me, just look at my Facebook likes,” said Ray Clemmings. Out of his 47 friends, he received 46 likes on his ‘Call to Arms’ status. Ray will be deleting his friend, Paul Higgins, whom did not agree. Paul passed away 3 months ago, but that does’t matter to Ray. Mr. Clemmings added, “If you don’t wanna agree with me, don’t be an asshole on my page.”  In response to Ray’s status, Sally Owens brought up the fact that bookstores have a bigger Technology section than a Religion section. We have reached out to Barnes & Noble who claim YouTube made them do it.

The ‘Call to Arms’ is coming from people looking to blame anything else but themselves. “It’s happened to all of us,” said Mrs. Samson, who lost his child last year. “If YouTube wasn’t around, I would have payed more attention to my kid. Honest.” Mrs. Samson was not seen crossing any fingers, so GUR knows she was serious.

Politicians of North Carolina are worried civilians will not deal with the real issue: how YouTube needs to be shut down. State litigation is taking place to ban YouTube in schools, churches, and space. State Senator Ron Carlson says, “If I knew how to YouTube’d,  it would probably explain why I lost my kids years ago.”

Denny Forrester is glad to be back home with his parents. “I hope one day, my dad admits he doesn’t like to hang out with me,” said Denny. “Luckily, I know how to get home now. I watched some YouTube videos about what to do if you’re lost.” Denny’s father, Sam, is pursuing a civil lawsuit against YouTube. He’s suing for emotional damages in having a child, and for YouTube to send him back in time to before he had a child. Until then, Sam plans to “research” YouTube’s black magic.

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Moon Still Up There, Facebook Reports

By Shawn Collins

EARTH – After having existed interrupted for the last 4.5 billion years, the moon is “still in the sky doing stuff,” Facebook reported on Monday.

The moon, which has been present in the sky for the entirety of human history and beyond, says it was in the middle of what is known as a “lunar eclipse” Monday evening, and claims it was completely oblivious to the social media firestorm it incited.

“…,” said the moon.

Facebook users from all over the world were amazed at the spectacle. “Check out that thing,” said Facebook-user Valerie Pierre, 24. Pierre then uploaded 57 blurry photos of the moon that she took with her smartphone.

The lunar eclipse did give the moon an unusual reddish hue, called the “Blood Moon”, which is a result of light from the sun refracting off the Earth’s atmosphere. Some are saying that the lunar eclipse, which happens between two and five times every year, is what caused the sudden spike in the Internet traffic.

“Is it always like that? It looks pretty angry,” said Facebook-user Adam Thorpe, 26. Thorpe’s own library of 217 identical, unfocused images of the Blood Moon are now available on Facebook and Instagram.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said that this kind of awareness campaign is part of the reason he invented Facebook. “This is what I had in mind when I was first developing [the Facebook],” said Zuckerberg in an interview Tuesday. “People all over the world are connecting in ways that have never been available to them. And they’re choosing to use that connection to flood the internet with blurry pictures of something that pretty much everyone on the planet could see in person.” Zuckerberg said he was impressed by Facebook users’ commitment to spreading awareness of the moon.

“Everyone was sharing their own, personal pictures of the moon, taken with cheap cameras and under hilariously poor lighting conditions,” Zuckerberg said. “And all this in spite of the fact that there are literally millions of high-resolution images of the moon already available for free on the internet. This really is a bold new frontier of human interaction.”

The moon would not comment on whether the coming of the blood moon is the harbinger of the end times, when the seas boil and the dead climb out of the grave, but it said that Facebook users could expect it to appear in the sky again this evening, and all evenings for the immediate future.

Facebook Redesign Does It Right For Ads

The Facebook redesign was released early Wednesday. There was much shock as many users were not happy with the redesign. “What else is new, ” questioned Mark Zuckerberg. The design is unappealing due to the amount of space to Facebook compared to the area for ads. “You dweebs use FB for free, why are you complaining?,” stated Mr. Zuckerberg. Later he added, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d still be putting some shitty song on your Myspace page.”

Facebook Redesign

New Facebook Redesign

Facebook ratio of content to ads changed from 66/33% to an astonishing 20/80%. People are having trouble reading statuses and messaging people, but what bothers them is that anywhere they click on the page, it leads to an ad. Others have to wait through a 15 second ads in order to post on someone’s wall. Those that do not have a Facebook page are the safest.

The internet is a buzz over the redesign. “It’s time for a change,” reveals Sam Stone. “I’m going to live off the grid to get away.” Sam is moving to an apartment that does not offer wifi.

Even major metropolitan apartments have followed Facebook’s lead. “We put adds on our halls, ” said building manager Carlos Dansby. “Also, I opened their apartments to put some adds in their bathroom.” Carlos receives five cents for every time someone looks at the billboard in posted in their bathroom. “I can’t pee without seeing that 8ft face,” claimed a sad tenant.

The major ad agencies are happy with the results as more and more people are looking at their ads. “As long as the numbers look good, I’m happy,” said marketing Guru I. Liketah Alienate. The guru congratulates himself as he lives off the misery of others.