Ask LesbiAnn Landers

lesbiAnn

 

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I live in a rural town in Idaho with my husband and two cats. Lately, my husband has been going out for very long drives into the city while wearing his clean underwear— And when he comes back, he smells like lady parts that aren’t mine! I think that he’s cheating on me! Should I confront him?

– Unhappy in Idaho.

Dear Unhappy,

You should DEFINITELY leave your husband FOR A WOMAN. He’s not the ONLY one who should be allowed to smell like sweet, sweet lady parts. You gotta FIND that lady he’s been slamming his grotty balls on and RIDE HER OUT GOOD! Also, stop cleaning his underwear so he can’t get any.

Yours truly,

LesbiAnn Landers.

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Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I know I’m a LeZbIaN but I’m only 13 and my MoM won’t let me date any girls even though I’m SO READY TO DO THIS!!!! I think she’s just jeaLEZ because she KNOWZ I’m going to grow up to be like, THE HOTTEST LEZZIE EVER. Like, Tegan N Sara HOT!!!! I REEAALLY want to run away from this LAME-ASS HOME and go live in PoRtLaNd with my friend Snaggletooth! Should I go?

– 13 Going On 30 Ladies.

Dear 13,

Do it!  Your mom’s a fucking labia Nazi. Say hi to Snaggletooth for me.

LesbiAnn Landers.

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Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I’m a 28-year-old man and I’ve been living in NYC for about a year now. Lately I’ve been dating a lot of women and it seems like they just don’t stick around. I’ve been noticing a pattern though, it’s usually right after I perform oral sex on these women when they decide to leave me. Are there any cunnilingus tips you can give me or are these women just being superficial?

– Single in NYC.

Dear Single,

What you do is, FIRST— get a SEX CHANGE and become a woman. Once you got a twat, you learn how to use it and what works and doesn’t. Learning from your own downstairs is always better! After you figure it out on yourself, you’ll have no problem going to town on those hot NYC ladies!.

Labia forever!

LesbiAnn Landers.