Ray J Attacked By A Shark Wearing Beats Headphones At Melissa Etheridge’s Wedding

 

You heard it here first. The “I Hit It First” rapper was attacked by  a shark while attending Melissa Etheridge’s wedding to Nurse Jackie Creator, Linda Wallem. The couple tied the knot in a small ceremony last night in Montecito, CA, which included famous guests like Edie Falco, Amy Adams and MC Hammer who was officiating the ceremony. According to reports, Ray J  showed up at the end of the ceremony with a Kim Kardashian impersonator as his date.

In typical Ray J fashion, no one wanted the pseudo celebrity at the wedding, but he showed up anyway. “Like the rest of America, Melissa only knows Ray J as Brandy’s younger brother who just won’t go away,” said actress Amy Adams. When Ray J arrived, he was clearly drunk and began making a scene. He was going up to each guest and asking if Kanye West was there. When he was told that Kanye West was not in attendance, he freaked out and yelled, “Did y’all know I was all up in his wife first? And I dated Whitney Houston the night she died?” Etheridge and her new bride were visibly upset by this disruption to their beautiful ceremony. It was then that “Pumps And A Bump” rapper turned Minister, MC Hammer, attacked the belligerent Ray J.

Hammer ran up behind Ray J, and bit him with the new shark teeth he had implanted into his mouth last year. Then Hammer’s wife, Elizabeth Hammer opened up the shark tank that sat next to her and unleashed their pet shark, Teethy on him. “Hammer brings Teethy everywhere he goes.  Teethy is one of his prized possessions. He loves him so much, he had his dentist implant identical teeth into his mouth,” said good friend and Nurse Jackie star, Edie Falco.

Hammer who once filed for bankruptcy after living a life of over indulgence and extravagance, has regained his fortune thanks to the donations he receives in the name of the Lord from the followers of his church – We Got To Pray Just To Make It Today. As Teethy, who was sporting a brand new pair of Beats Headphones that Hammer gave him as a birthday present, bit into Ray J’s right leg, Hammer bit into the left. Many guests at the wedding were heard yelling, “Please Hammer don’t hurt em,” but that didn’t cease their attack. It wasn’t until Etheridge started singing her Grammy Award winning song, “Come To My Window” that both Teethy and Hammer let Ray J loose and walked in a trans-like-state toward the newlywed.

Ray J was airlifted to a local hospital where both his legs were amputated and his mouth was sewn shut. According to the surgeon who operated on Ray J, the amputation was medically necessary, but sewing his mouth shut was not. “I took the liberty of sewing his mouth shut for the betterment of America. You’re welcome.”

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30 Year Old Man Admits To Knowing All The Words To Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill Album

Michael Frederick took to Facebook on Thursday to reveal that he knows all the words to Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill. The 30 year old man was quickly met with ridicule, and the only Throw Back Thursday he wanted to participate in was going back to before he put out the status.

His defense? He was a young kid between cultures trying to fit in. Michael had American friends, but it was no surprise those friends were pissed off women who recently ended an unfaithful relationship. “We would play the tape and scream the lyrics,” added Michael. He is no longer friends with these girls as they have moved on from their baggage. [Status Located Below]

“It was a mistake,” said Michael from the top of a building. “I thought it was funny.” Grown Up Recess’s Resident Stand Up Comic, Stan The Funny Man, says that was mistake number one. “When normies go on the instinct of what is funny, they lose their self respect,” he mentioned. He added that the best thing to do for a normal is to only SHARE what is funny. Comedians have gone through the grueling process of being told what’s not funny and come from a different background.  Stan The Funny Man warns, “When you’re a normal, your friends laugh at everything because they want you to laugh at their unfunny things. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Mr. Frederick was ready to jump from a building that was two stories high. “I don’t want to die, I just want to post about something else, so that my post about Alanis will disappear from Top Stories,” he yelled at GUR reporters. Michael may find that hard as his #TBT status garnered an impressive 105 likes.

When asked why Michael wouldn’t just delete the status, he looked at us surprised. “With all the updates, I didn’t know how to do it,” lamented Michael. Once he came down from the building, we showed Mr. Frederick the proper steps to delete a status. First, you head to said status and you click the down arrow in the top right. Then you select delete status and a box appears. Next, click that you are sure you would like to delete the status, and prepare to give up your first born. If first borns are not available, please prepare to give up your most prized possession. Facebook says this is necessary so people don’t post unnecessary statuses, and then delete them like nothing happen.

Michael lives a normal life after deleting his Alanis Morrisette status. Though the only thing Mr. Frederick regrets is giving up his Jagged Little Pill tape.

The status that sent Michael Frederick to jump off a two story building, almost.

The status that sent Michael Frederick to jump off a two story building, almost.

Henrik Lundqvist During Game Six

Henrik Lundqvist in the 3rd period of the Habs vs Rangers Game Six.

Movie Critic’s New Rating System Stuns ‘Maleficent’ Premiere

A film critic’s new rating system turns Maleficent’s Premiere into a bad time for Brad Pitt.

Ukranian bad boy turned film critic, Vitalii Sediukwas taken down by security guards at the red carpet. Vitalii was giving his first review of Maleficent with his fists. “When I like something, I want to punch it,” claimed Vitalii. “It was so good, I gave it two black eyes.”

Brad Pitt will not be pressing charges as he turned out to be flattered by the review. “He liked my wife’s movie. Thank goodness, because not many critics did,” said Brad. He was such a fan of Vitalli Sediuk’s review he requested his body guards give him a rave review. The film critic earned two black eyes, a broken rib, and a bruised kidney. The critic was flattered.

Vitalli will continue to review movies. His next movie? Mr. Sediuk will head to 22 Jump Street’s Premiere to give it an outstanding four black eyes. “I really liked it, and I will give Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill my review personally.”

If you would like to review movies for blackeyemoviereviews.com, please submit your restraining order in an email with the subject title of “Arrest Me,” to the LAPD. Please include your name, address, phone number, and any erotic fan fiction you may have about a current or past celebrity.

The BEST Swimsuits For Your Body Type According To Popular Women’s Magazines

Summer is finally here and you know what that means…it’s time to put on some spandex and jump into liquid!

We know what you’re thinking, “But I hate my body. How could there possibly be a swimsuit that can hide the horrible shame I feel about not having the body of a 14-year-old gymnast?” Have no fear, GUR is here to help you out of your media-conditioned body dysmorphic disorder and get you into the cancerous sun! Hooray!

We’ve consulted the TOP women’s magazines and put together a list of THEIR BEST swimsuit advice for your body type.

1. Pear Shaped

  • Fruit doesn’t swim. And pears are gross looking. Forgo wasting your money on a swimsuit and instead spend your summer passing your self-hatred onto your daughter.

2. Large Bust

  • Quit bragging! Boobs are just fat. So basically your “large bust” is just because you’re a big fat fatty fat fat. Plus natural boobs are gross. Cut those things off and go get some saline like a civilized woman.

3. Curvy

  • Really? You think people really think you’re “curvy?” They don’t. They think you should stitch a bunch of towels together and cover your entire body with them and then bury yourself in the sand.

4. Athletic

  • Athletic is code for manly. Just accept the fact that you look like a dude and dudes don’t wear bikinis so you shouldn’t either. But consider yourself lucky because dudes don’t have to read magazine articles about what swimsuits strangers  think they should wear to the beach. Dudes just put on a pair of shorts and enjoy life.

5. Straight

  • You’re the only one on this list who should buy a bikini or swimsuit period. Straight is good. Any deviation from the straight line of your body is bad. Enjoy the fact that your hips and waist are the same size. Well done on being self-disciplined enough to allow your body to starve and thus eat itself so that you can be as straight and thin as a pencil. Don’t worry if you’re too weak to hold your head up, just ask one of your fat friends to hold it up while you accept your title as Queen Beach.

bikini

Don’t even go there fatty. You’re at least a size 4 and that is just too big to be exposing your skin in public. In fact, we recommend that you keep your clothes on at all times…even when showering. You’re welcome. Girl Power!

“Burt Reynolds is not dead,” says Burt Reynolds

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Burt Reynolds is very much alive reports the actor himself. Despite public belief that he passed away five years ago, the 106-year-old says he is not dead, he’s just been taking a lot of naps. “I’m very much alive and sexy. I just get so sleepy,” said Reynolds.

Not only is Reynolds alive, but he is also acting again. Next Saturday afternoon, Reynolds is premiering his one-man show at the Bright Skies Community Theater in Sun City, Arizona. 6 Feet Above Ground is an inspirational tale of one man (Reynolds) and his journey to live as an undead man in a world that has long mourned him. “It makes me sad to know that he’s still with us. I already went through the seven stages of grief and now I’m gonna have to start all over again,” said Florida resident and creator of the RIP Burt Reynolds Facebook fan page, Amber Mickus.

Despite the public confusion, Reynolds says that he doesn’t plan on dying anytime soon.  “I’m still hanging on by a few chest hairs.”

 

Rob Kardashian Absent From Kimye’s Wedding

Yesterday the internet was a buzz with speculation on why Rob Kardashian, brother of Kim Kardashian, did not attend her May 25th nuptials to Kanye West.

There have been multiple reports that the 27-year-old sock designer suffered a great loss this weekend and was therefore unable to attend.

According to his publicist, Rhett Jones, “On Saturday night, Rob lost one of his beloved red-striped socks in the dryer.”

Dryers have claimed the lives of many of socks since their invention in 1942, yet there have been little to no repercussions. “That dryer took his best friend, but there’s nothing he can do about it. The LAPD don’t care. They’re too busy stealing hard-working American’s crack,” said Jones.

Rob’s former best friend, Alex Cuengo has little sympathy for the only Kardashian brother. “It’s a f*cking sock. Rob needs to stop being a little bitch.” According to Cuengo, this behavior is typical of his former bestie. “Rob’s always feeling sorry for himself. Last week he dropped his strawberry shake from Sonic on the ground and then called to say he was ‘too distraught’ to come out for my birthday.”

Rob not only disappointed the entire Kardashian Klan by being absent to his sister’s wedding, but girlfriend, Tasha Fiery as well. “I assumed I was going to be his date, but then I saw a friend post on his Facebook wall, ‘Sorry your date was murdered, bro.’ I’m glad that sock is dead,” said Fiery.

However, there is one person who is extremely sympathetic to Rob’s pain and also feels responsible for it, his maid. “I put the socks in the dryer and it eat it up. I look and I look, but I only find one. I feel so sad. I told Mr Rob and he climbed in the dryer and would not come out.”

Rob took to his Twitter this morning to explain his absence.
(Via Twitlonger): Anyone who’s lost someone they love knows what I’m going thru. Leftie was part of my +2 to the wedding. He RSVP’d for steak & lobster. It would have been too painful and too tempting to have to stare at his full plate during the reception. One day my family will understand my decision. Kim will marry again and I promise not to miss that wedding.

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This situation socks.

Serge Ibaka’s Return Sparks Controversy

The Oklahoma City Thunder beat The San Antonio Spurs 106 to 97 with the help of Serge Ibaka. Serge’s return brought back OKC in the NBA’s Western Conference Finals. He was said to be out for the rest of the playoffs, but Ibaka played 30 minutes, 15 points, 7 rebounds from a wheel chair.

Ibaka rose to the occasion by running over the feet of Spurs players. Head Coach of The Thunder, Scott Brooks, couldn’t be prouder. “We really needed him,” commented the happy coach, “even though we caused irreversible damage to his calf.” Coach Brooks plans to make an example of Ibaka. He added, “I’m planning to see who is committed by tearing everyone’s ACL with my mighty coach fist and asking them to play the next day.”

The trend for players to come back from injury and play has been around since the beginning of the NBA. Let us not forget Reggie Jordan’s famous game where he played while in a coma. Many thought Reggie was out of his mind, but Coach Phil Jackson said, “it was the right thing to do.” Reggie Jordan died after the game due to complications not dealing with the coma we are told by Jackson’s rep.

Serge’s finished the game with no injury, but when he took off his compression wrap, it exploded. Ibaka plans to play Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals with a leg transplant from Hasheem Thabeet. “Let’s be honest,” said Ibaka, “he doesn’t need it.”