Follow these 10 easy steps to find your true love at a gay bar!—
Items you will need:
Weave made out of pigeon parts
Bag of beef jerky
Step 1 Go to a gay bar. Step 2 Make sure you gasp loudly at the first guy you see when you walk in and then leave right away. Step 3 Wait 30 minutes in your car, eat the beef jerky and then come back in. Step 4 Find the same guy you gasped at. At this point, he is now in love with you. Step 5 Go to the bathroom and place the pigeon weave on. This will seal the deal with your fella. Step 6 Fill your pockets with bathroom trash. Step 7 Find a crevice or hidden area of the bar and lay down. Step 8 Cover your face with the trash revealing only your eyes. Step 9 Lie perfectly still staring at everyone walking by. Step 10Psst your fella over to you. He will be so flattered by you, that he will ❤ you forever!
Congratulations! You found true love at a gay bar!!!
1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.
2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.
3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!
4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.
5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.
Early this morning Wal-Mart shoppers in Hopskinville, Kentucky were able to purchase and make their own boxed wine at home using a new powdered alcohol, “Palcohol” in a “Franzia At Home” powdered wine-making kit.
The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB) approved “Palcohol,” on Monday as an error due to a labeling discrepancy. Although the TTB retracted their decision today for the approval, Palcohol Inc. jumped on its unit’s green light and shipped test products to a Wal-Mart in Hopkinsville, Kentucky in a product partnership with the Franzia boxed wine company.
Beverly Fierstein, a local soccer grandma who bought “Franzia at Home” said, “It was easy, I just poured the powder into an empty bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red and filled it from the tap. The color is the same so no one at my grandbaby’s game this afternoon knew any better. No one except my ex-husband who just stared at me from the other side of the field. He’s always staring at me!”
Edgar Reynolds, a neighborhood priest who also purchased the wine said, “Now I know how Jesus did it.”
Community college student, Margaret James, commented on the wine, “I have a lot of extra saliva so I just poured the powder into my mouth and I was good to go.”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has stated a new decree that all men are to wear fake double chins so that they better resemble their supreme leader.
“Our leader’s double chin is a symbol of our nation, if you will,” one source tells Radio Free Asia. “It doesn’t look good on everyone because we all have different face, head and body shapes. Of course it looks best on our leader because he has the extraordinary moobs to match the multiple chins. I’m confident that he’ll mandate fake moobs for all so we can complete the look.”
A North Korean now living in China who goes by the name of “miK” added, “The fake double chins began in 2011 when the Kim Jong-un would ask us [civilians] to bow while holding a chicken breast against our chin to honor him.” According to miK, “Afterward we fed the chicken to his chins as a sign of our loyalty.”
Early this morning a 4.4 magnitude earthquake rattled Southern Californian at 6:25 a.m. literally causing hundreds of Starbucks customers to accidentally drop their coffees. It is currently reported that about 1,940 cups of coffee were spilled and an estimated 800 remain unreported, many in which happened while driving.
At a UCLA Starbucks, student Aaron Hardy, 24, stated, “I dropped my hazelnut macchiato all over a rack of Neko Case CDs and souvenir coffee mugs— I nearly had a panic attack. I cannot believe this happened to me.”
Seismologist Elizabeth Connolly, head of the U.S. Geological Survey, released in a press conference this afternoon that, “… This morning’s earthquake was the most significant shake in Southern California since the 5.5 temblor that hit Chino Hills in 2008, causing nearly 4,500 Starbucks coffee spills.”
In Westwood, yoga-teaching student Christina Maia, 32, was driving out of a Starbucks drive-thru when the tragedy occurred, she commented, “My light vanilla frappuccino was totally ruined. They made it completely wrong. It wasn’t until way after the earthquake was over but still it was probably because of it.”
The recent tweet from Pope Francis yesterday has provoked confusion upon the Catholic Church and for his followers, on Twitter that is. Late last night the Pope tweeted:
“GaYz are totes ok! My cousin is GAY, he lives in Toronto. #civilunions#popeproblems :)”
Pope Francis’ tweet suggested that the Catholic Church should begin to recognize civil unions around the world, especially in Toronto where the Pope’s cousin, known as ‘Mattie,’ resides.
Rev. Tom Rosica of the Vatican’s press office has sent out an email on the matter, writing that Pope Francis “did not choose to enter into debates about the delicate matter of gay civil unions— but just had a bit too much ‘blood of Christ’ to drink last night, and was probably watching Bravo again— to be frank, he actually promised us that he was just going to play Angry Birds on his smartphone and not ‘go on Twitter’.”
Michele Bachmann (R) Representative of MN stated about the Pope’s tweet yesterday during a press conference that “… Pope Francis thinks that gays are “totes ok,” but that’s it, just “totes ok,” not great or anything. Toronto must be the name of his cousin’s boyfriend or something. Pretty gross. Also, by #civilunions, Pope Francis probably just meant #evilunions. Sometimes the letter ‘e’ looks like a ‘c’ and an ‘i’ put together when you squint. Happens all the time.”
Francis DeBernardo, head of the pro-LGBT Catholic group New Ways Ministry, stated that “Pope Francis certainly has gone further than any previous pope in trying to be positive towards people whose relationships are outside of the traditional heterosexual norm, I mean gay Canadians. Who would’ve thought?”
In a rare day, Michele Bachmann didn’t say anything to offend. The press was awkward in trying to goade her into saying something idiotic. She refused and the outcome was that the press couldn’t print another story that has nothing to do with what’s going on around the world.
The press claims that the public is too obsessed with what could happen outside of the US and it doesn’t affect us.
After the press’s press conference, they released nude photos of Michele Bachmann so we could stop concentrating on world politics. Below are photos of Michele Bachmann nude at night. NSFW.
Forbes makes fools of billionaires, and the repercussions are on the way.
Millions of criminals have their targets with the release of Forbes Annual Billionaires Issue. “I memorize their faces and I take from them, ” sneakily said Slimy Sal, the world’s most notable pick pocket. The mustache gentleman with beard stubble adds a maniacal laugh after each sentence. Slimey Sal is now living in Silicone Valley with his notorious crew, The Stealy Boys. “We got the name from our favorite artist: Steely Dan.”
Billionaires are scared for their wallet’s lives. “I wouldn’t care. I can buy more like it, ” claimed a slightly scared Bill Gates. “I’m the richest man, I can buy anything.” GUR reporter, Xchel Hernandez, could not remember what was said after because he sold his voice recorded for 200 dollars. Bill Gates spends his time worrying by swimming in his money Scrooge McDuck style.
Bill Gates swimming in his money.
Police are beefing up security for the imminent pick pocket doom. “We took everyone off those petty murder cases to protect the rich,” revealed Chief of Police Phil Sheppard. The surprise comes to those in the lower and middle class as crime rates rise. “We know who doesn’t pay their taxes and we want to make sure they’re ok,” added the Chief of Police.
Forbes is taking flack from the Billionaires who were outed. “If they don’t tell me what poor people to blame for this, I’ll fire them!,” screamed Editor In Chief, Steve Forbes. He quickly left in his pin stripe time machine with ass massage seats.
Forbes is planning to make rich people happy by releasing Forbes Top 10 Socioeconomic People To Blame. This article will be released on the Richternet, an internet designed for rich people, and given away with each billion dollars deposited into a bank.
Forbes New Magazine Cover to Make Wealthy People Happy
The Russian Military is mobilizing their forces towards the Ukraine.
As tempers rise in the pissing match, Putin has received approval to send troops into the Ukraine. The United States is not happy and sent their first retaliation.
President Obama sent a strike, “Putin, your mother is so fat, it takes all the third world children to stitch together one pair of her underwear.” Putin pouted profusely at the cheap shot. “It’s a thyroid problem,” retorted Putin over twitter. Secretary of State, John Kerry, added injury to insult by saying “Oh dang, you a bitch Putin, you aaaa biiitttcchhh!”
As we enter a new age of technology, the rules of warfare are changing. “We don’t want the younger men to fight our wars,” claimed Republican Sen. Mitch McConnel. “It’s time we fight our own.” The country is surprised as The United States Army will be sending Senators and Representatives to Kiev.
Russia, not wanting to be outmatched, will send their parliament. The older statesmen have packed their Rolls-Royce and are headed to Kiev. “Long live Russia!,” claimed an shirtless Putin as he waved his shirt angrily above his head. As he drove off, he shouted back to the lines of Rolls-Royces, “Last one there has to kiss me, but they have to enjoy it… for realizes.”
As both militaries will feature older members, both have decided to have naked wrestling matches. The rules are whoever teabags the other first, wins. Republican Sen. John McCain is said to be a heavy favorite as sometimes his balls are huge, but most of the time they follow party lines. “I’m going to drag my balls on all their Russian faces,” McCain screamed at The United States Library of Congress. He was asked to leave for not keeping his voice below a three on a ten point scale.
Currently, Vladimir Putin is cutting a track with lots of sick burns. The track is costing the Russian tax payer 3.5 billion as they have hired famed producer Yeezus. It’s hitting iTunes on March 4th and will be titled, “Oh-Bomb-Ma’s Mama”
Album Artwork of Valdimir Putin and Yeezy Colaboration.