There have been many debates over global warming and climate change in the recent past. Everything from a depleting ozone to the cutting down of rainforest has been linked as a contributing factor to climate. However, a new threat is on the horizon.
Kale has become popular among health conscious Americans as a staple food in their diet. Putting kale into one’s body may be healthy, but what leaves the human body is a noxious killing machine.
“The human body benefits greatly from kale. The problem is that the human intestinal tract converts the small amount of waste into a toxin known as ‘ultra-gas’,” says Dr. Sherman Fecalspan, head of the Gastro-intestinal Foundation of America. “The results of this ‘ultra-gas’ or ‘uber-farts’ as they’re known on the streets, can be catastrophic.” In Manahattan alone there have been 7 deaths related to uber-farts in the subway. 5 of those were due to inhalation and 2 of those were from subway occupants beating the ‘farter’ to death.
And that’s only the beginning. Dr. Fecalspan speculates that inside of five years, we could be on the verge of another global catastrophe.
“People don’t realize that Chernobyl had nothing to do with nuclear instability and everything to do with a change in the cafeteria menu. Kale was being served with everyone’s lunch. All those gases built up after a short amount of time, and now no one can live in the area where that power plant was.”
The Gastro-intestinal Foundation was formed in 1986, after the top-secret report implicating kale as the primary reason for the Chernobyl. The Ukraine Government refused to acknowledge any claims by conspiracist theories, but the truth started to leak out like a silent but deadly kale fart.
The truth of the matter came to when Ukraine whistle blowers came out and stated that kale was grown in nuclear power plants. The radioactive material has be known to be helpful, but ultimately damaging to the society around it. The Ukraine Government refused to confess to the matter, since kale is the number one export.
If you see someone eating kale, please stop them. They know not of the dangers they put everyone else in. The phenomenom is called KALENESS(pronounced selfishness) and stems from a person wanting to do good to themselves, but bad to the world around them.
The kale-fart leaks into the atmosphere and causes deterioration, thus proving global warming to be true. True… due to kale farts.
Early this morning Wal-Mart shoppers in Hopskinville, Kentucky were able to purchase and make their own boxed wine at home using a new powdered alcohol, “Palcohol” in a “Franzia At Home” powdered wine-making kit.
The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB) approved “Palcohol,” on Monday as an error due to a labeling discrepancy. Although the TTB retracted their decision today for the approval, Palcohol Inc. jumped on its unit’s green light and shipped test products to a Wal-Mart in Hopkinsville, Kentucky in a product partnership with the Franzia boxed wine company.
Beverly Fierstein, a local soccer grandma who bought “Franzia at Home” said, “It was easy, I just poured the powder into an empty bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red and filled it from the tap. The color is the same so no one at my grandbaby’s game this afternoon knew any better. No one except my ex-husband who just stared at me from the other side of the field. He’s always staring at me!”
Edgar Reynolds, a neighborhood priest who also purchased the wine said, “Now I know how Jesus did it.”
Community college student, Margaret James, commented on the wine, “I have a lot of extra saliva so I just poured the powder into my mouth and I was good to go.”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has stated a new decree that all men are to wear fake double chins so that they better resemble their supreme leader.
“Our leader’s double chin is a symbol of our nation, if you will,” one source tells Radio Free Asia. “It doesn’t look good on everyone because we all have different face, head and body shapes. Of course it looks best on our leader because he has the extraordinary moobs to match the multiple chins. I’m confident that he’ll mandate fake moobs for all so we can complete the look.”
A North Korean now living in China who goes by the name of “miK” added, “The fake double chins began in 2011 when the Kim Jong-un would ask us [civilians] to bow while holding a chicken breast against our chin to honor him.” According to miK, “Afterward we fed the chicken to his chins as a sign of our loyalty.”
It’s officially that time of the year again for everybody in America to take off their boring everyday normal sane person hat, put on a couple tutus, yell at some cheese, smear poop on their front door, fill the bathtub with mayonnaise, and turn the boob tube to ESPN Ocho, because it’s March Descent Into Madness time (brought to you by Papa John’s).
Hi, I’m Nikola Tesla. You probably know me as the guy from history who looks a lot like Frank Zappa. But what you didn’t know about me is that I was also a mad electrical scientist. I was the first person in history to literally shock and awe an audience. And I’ve been doing color commentating and erotic blogging to pay off the lawyer fees ever since.
But enough about me, let’s get into my top picks for this years March Descent Into Madness. This year has by far the best lineup of crazies I’ve ever seen.
My personal favorite, one that hits very close to home, Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets have a tough road ahead of them beginning with a game against Belief You Can Control Ocean Tides If You Want. Now I don’t trust anything that grows in the ground and has babies, but when it comes to madness this March, I can trust these carrots to take it to the final rounds of the tourney. They play good defense and always know exactly when to keep your trust and when to spill the magical beans. Ocean tides on the other hand have a strong team this year, but with the moon orbiting farther and farther away from the Earth every year, they just don’t have the strength they used to.
Another strong contender for the final round is Sleeping In A Dumpster. Last year we saw them lose out early in the tourney to Counting Cat Hairs On A Dog because their lead scorer was tricked into joining Circus Soleil, but this year he was able to convince them the wasn’t a Canadian acrobat and is now sleeping in dumpsters with the best of them. Watch out though in their first game against the always competitive Never Blinking who went for an entire decade without blinking but was disqualified from last years tourney when the league found out they were doping superglue into to their eyes. I feel they learned their lesson and are back this year to prove everybody wrong.
My favorite underdog pick this year has got to be Won’t Put Knife Down. They play with such tenacity and grip. It’s a wonder they aren’t higher ranked. I met with a few of their players last night only to conclude that they mean serious business and would only talk to me from behind a door through morse code of tapping their knives on the door handle and yelling “Here’s Johnny!” They begin the tourney with a game against Everything Is Tentacles Now? who have lead the East Coast in scoring and holding onto things. Can the tentacles take the knives away? I for sure am going to be watching this one on ESPN Ocho.
And finally my honorable mentions:
Sexual Jealousy of Clouds, Aggressive Nudity, Revenge Pooping, and the University of Kentucky
Awww, March Descent Into Madness. Can you feel the electric tension in the air? Because if you can’t then you’re probably not taking enough of those pills that homeless guy gave you. I’m Nikola Tesla rocking on electric avenue wishing you safe soldering and always remember your resistor 4-band color code: 1st band, 2nd band, 3rd band, multiplier, and then tolerance (brought to you by Papa John’s).
Early this morning a 4.4 magnitude earthquake rattled Southern Californian at 6:25 a.m. literally causing hundreds of Starbucks customers to accidentally drop their coffees. It is currently reported that about 1,940 cups of coffee were spilled and an estimated 800 remain unreported, many in which happened while driving.
At a UCLA Starbucks, student Aaron Hardy, 24, stated, “I dropped my hazelnut macchiato all over a rack of Neko Case CDs and souvenir coffee mugs— I nearly had a panic attack. I cannot believe this happened to me.”
Seismologist Elizabeth Connolly, head of the U.S. Geological Survey, released in a press conference this afternoon that, “… This morning’s earthquake was the most significant shake in Southern California since the 5.5 temblor that hit Chino Hills in 2008, causing nearly 4,500 Starbucks coffee spills.”
In Westwood, yoga-teaching student Christina Maia, 32, was driving out of a Starbucks drive-thru when the tragedy occurred, she commented, “My light vanilla frappuccino was totally ruined. They made it completely wrong. It wasn’t until way after the earthquake was over but still it was probably because of it.”
Ken Ham, a creationist, has raised enough money to build Noah’s Ark.
A scientist theory proves to be right. ‘People don’t know how to spend their money,’ said lead scientist Milton Fulton. ‘Yes, I know my name rhymes,’ he later added. The revelation comes as millions of people who watched a debate between Ken Ham and Bill Nye ‘The Science Guy’ resulted in 62 million dollars raised for Ken Ham and none for science.
‘I was using TV to push my agenda,’ said Ken Ham. ‘I’m not spending my money… that would be STUPID!’ Ken Ham is best known for abusing people whom are easily taken advantage of and will give their savings. ‘And I don’t feel guilty,’ claimed Mr. Ham.
‘I feel used,’ said Bill Nye. ‘I should have known there was an anterior motive to millions of people watching the debate.’ Bill Nye now spends his time feeling bad. He eats his emotions and would like to be called BIll Nye the Fat Guy Who is Sad.
Noah’s ark will be built in the middle of the Ken Ham’s creationist theme park. The theme park features pictures of dinosaurs and humans coexisting. The Ark will feature three decks on animatronic animals of the opposite sex to prove that animals excluded homosexuals. As guests walk by the animals, they will make noises of, ‘no gays,’ and ‘bbaaaan the gays.’
Scientist are scared that this pattern will continue as Ken Ham has a new debate set up for early next year. ‘I need a house for myself, so I am going to debate a homosexual.’ He added that it would be the most watched TV program and that’s his only goal. People, whom are easily taken advantage of, are ready to give money.