Ask LesbiAnn Landers

lesbiAnn

 

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I live in a rural town in Idaho with my husband and two cats. Lately, my husband has been going out for very long drives into the city while wearing his clean underwear— And when he comes back, he smells like lady parts that aren’t mine! I think that he’s cheating on me! Should I confront him?

– Unhappy in Idaho.

Dear Unhappy,

You should DEFINITELY leave your husband FOR A WOMAN. He’s not the ONLY one who should be allowed to smell like sweet, sweet lady parts. You gotta FIND that lady he’s been slamming his grotty balls on and RIDE HER OUT GOOD! Also, stop cleaning his underwear so he can’t get any.

Yours truly,

LesbiAnn Landers.

*

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I know I’m a LeZbIaN but I’m only 13 and my MoM won’t let me date any girls even though I’m SO READY TO DO THIS!!!! I think she’s just jeaLEZ because she KNOWZ I’m going to grow up to be like, THE HOTTEST LEZZIE EVER. Like, Tegan N Sara HOT!!!! I REEAALLY want to run away from this LAME-ASS HOME and go live in PoRtLaNd with my friend Snaggletooth! Should I go?

– 13 Going On 30 Ladies.

Dear 13,

Do it!  Your mom’s a fucking labia Nazi. Say hi to Snaggletooth for me.

LesbiAnn Landers.

*

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I’m a 28-year-old man and I’ve been living in NYC for about a year now. Lately I’ve been dating a lot of women and it seems like they just don’t stick around. I’ve been noticing a pattern though, it’s usually right after I perform oral sex on these women when they decide to leave me. Are there any cunnilingus tips you can give me or are these women just being superficial?

– Single in NYC.

Dear Single,

What you do is, FIRST— get a SEX CHANGE and become a woman. Once you got a twat, you learn how to use it and what works and doesn’t. Learning from your own downstairs is always better! After you figure it out on yourself, you’ll have no problem going to town on those hot NYC ladies!.

Labia forever!

LesbiAnn Landers.

5 Artsy Things To Do When You’re Poor

Are you looking for an artsy outing, but don’t have the cash to spend? If you want to feel like you’re stuck up without spending the dough follow Grown Up Recess’s 5 artsy things to do when you’re poor:

1. Unwarranted Nude Modeling

2. Stand on a corner and ask, “Spare any change of pace?”

3. Tighten your belt so that your regular jeans become skinny jeans.

4. Late bills? Call your loved ones for Monopoly money.

5. Stay unemployed.

 

Book Cover Review

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: Taken By A Vampire by Joey W. Hill

This week’s review is Taken By A Vampire by Joey W. Hill. This review is in no way about the story. I commend authors, but I demean unrealistic covers.

So, will you do both of our laundry?

So, will you do both of our laundry?

Let’s be honest, what woman wants two men in her life? That’s another man that doesn’t have enough time for chores because he’s ‘tired.’ Maybe, they’re gay best friends meeting up for happy hour. These ‘friends’ are fibbing their way to dry-hump town. I could see how you would mistake them for gay because they are well groomed. Its the ole ‘fake gay to get close to her’ trick, that so many woman have awkwardly dealt with. If you ever hear the phrase, “Do you want us to go back to your place to give interior designs of your boobs, I mean place,” run.

Vampires? No. Bikers. Yes. These two are treating the girl like she was just fresh out of the Harley Davidson Factory. “Dude, check out this front tire,” is met with, “smell this leather!” If there is anything I have learned in life is that you don’t treat a lady like a motorcycle. I mean you could, if you don’t want any ladies in your life. Obviously, if they wanted to get farther with this woman, they would take her to a spa. Let her relax and join her in the festivities of gossip over her one coworker that always stares her down. Find out how it all started because they wore the same shirt on Causal Friday, and how it got worse because she wouldn’t wear the cardigan she brought.

There is an excessive amount of smoke to be considered healthy. I’m sure no one noticed it, while the bearded vampire coughed into the woman’s mouth. Or  are these ‘vampires’ are hot boxing? “If we get her high, she’ll be into dry humping,” shouted the short haired vampire over the fog machine, to which the other replied, “WHAT?!” Most likely, the smoke was created by the woman’s sense of insecurity. No woman likes to be naked in the full light, or if it is on, she’s already in the bed covered by the blankets. I’m sure even the sexiest woman would still like to cover one part of her body. Let us not forget that our society breeds an unhealthy sense of insecurity into women. All women are beautiful, even the one with a lazy eye. Because let’s face it men, if she’s with us… we’re goddamn lucky to have her around.

Is every vampire white? Every single one on the planet? Or is this cover just pushing out minorities? I remember when there was a time minorities vampires were acceptable. A time when different cultures of vampires came together to feed on unsuspecting victims. Can we bring back the time of ‘Blade’ with Wesley Snipes, or did him not paying taxes ruin it for all of us minorities? We had an IN Wes, we had an in…

Overall, this cover get’s a D-. It’s rated that high because it made me laugh. If I could change anything, it would be the entire cover. Could we please get some 2014 interracial themes happening. I know vampires are meant to be pale, but I’ve seen several African-Americans, Hispanics, and Asian-Pacifics afraid of the sun. IT’S 2014 PEOPLE!!! RACIAL EQUALITY SHOULD BE A GIVEN.

Book Cover Review

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: Bedding a Billionaire by Kendra Little

It’s Monday, which means it’s time for – Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, Bedding a Billionaire by Kendra Little. The review is in no way about the story. I commend authors, but I demean unrealistic covers.

Cover photo of Bedding a Billionaire by Kendra Little

Givin’ it up, being yelled at, and being a second class citizen is worth it if he takes me places.

Bedding a Billionaire… oh yeah, like that’s going to be an experience you want to tell all your friends about… “Then he told me not to talk about anything and have sex with me.”

First, I love that the billionaire is looking down on the woman. That is as real as the cover gets. Who’s fantasy involves being looked down on? “Xchel he’s so sweet to me, he gives me things.” If things is what you want, then you deserved to be treated as such. There is no way a man should look down on a women. You’re making someone an object, obviously you failed at ‘Getting Along With Others On This Planet 101.’

Can we get an updated version of this ‘billionaire’. He’s not old and most are as old as an elephant from the ice age. Any person who is that young telling you he’s a billionaire, is not. Please don’t fall for it and be lured into his Mazda from 1998. While you’re asking, “What happened to your Lambo?” He’s giving you the mechanic run around. Single men lie to get women back their place. It’s like the game mouse trap, where on your way home from the club, men are trying to trap you into their arms for the night.

Has anyone notice that a cry for help in a women’s eyes? Maybe she is trying to be seductive or maybe it’s bad gas. But someone please get these woman some Pepto. If I saw this woman on the street giving me these eyes, I would cross the street. I don’t want to walk in anyone’s crop dust.

Is that flames on the billionaire flame suit? Yes. Yes, that saved the cover for me. If there is anything about billionaires that can ring true, is that on the way to the top, they have fucked someone over. Whether it’s banged someone (male / female / horse) while my wife was on vacation or moved jobs to stir more profit, you have to make moves to get there.

Overall, I would give this cover a C+. There are some aspects I appreciated, but there was one thing I didn’t: The fantasy of dating a billionaire. I’m not jealous. My bank account is empty of money, but I have a whole lot of ‘treating woman like human beings’ my pocket.

Book Cover Review

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: The Future is Japanese

It’s Monday, which means it’s time for – Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, The Future is Japenese by several SciFi writers. The review is in no way about the stories. I commend authors who finish writing short stories, but I demean unrealistic covers.

The future is what?

The Future is Japanese, short stories.

Is that key buildings of major cities in one place? With no room next to each other? The spacing draws me to the conclusion that there are no streets in this city. It’s just building next to building in any way it could fit. I see the Eiffel tower, the tallest tower in the world from Dubai, Oh, and I just found Waldo! This city is great, but is what makes a great city the buildings? I would disagree. A building has never held me at gunpoint and asked for my wallet. If the future is Japanese, please let it be people who don’t believe in violence. That’s the kind of future I want to live in.

Look in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no, it’s a Japanese woman looking down on us. Help us Godzilla! If at any point I saw a lunar eclipse featuring a person’s face, I would say, ‘the end of times are coming!’ And then I would find a way to eject myself from this reality. That would scare the whiz out of me. A moon that was looking down on us from the sky? No thank you. Not going to happen. Please find me a place where I can hide. This is worse than Jesus’s eyes following you while you are at church. Look, we don’t need an all knowing being above us judging us, we have our conscious to do so.

I like this cover more than I love cheese curds. Yea, I said it. I like the playfulness of buildings next to each other, while an all knowing power looks over us. I give this cover an B+ for originality. Romance novels: eat your heart out.

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: His Wicked Dream by Adrienne deWolfe

It’s Monday, which means it’s time for – Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, we cover His Wicked Dream by Adrienne deWolfe. The review is in no way about the story. I commend anyone who finishes writing a book, but I demean unrealistic covers.

Boston Is like PaH!

“Red Sox Win 40th World Series in a row!”

First, if I was this guy and my lady came up to me mid sit up, I would tell her, “hey babe, can you wait until my set is over? I’m busy getting ripped!” But as you can tell, this girl was going to get her way. She was going to tell him they are shopping at Ikea later and held him down by pushing on his sensitive areas. From a selling stand point, kudos. You want your women to fantasize that they are in a dominant position.

I’m sure this author is from Boston. Or at least, I would like her to be. The only time to use ‘wicked’ is when describing an awesome experience that has to do with Boston. I can imagine, that this book has everything to do with The Red Sox winning multiple championships and in the same year, the Bruins, Celtics, and Patriots all win their perspective championship. Then this book would be his wicked dream.

Can we all agree that a man’s dream is getting his wiener touched. That’s all men want. Maybe he wants to watch sports. If you have something to say, you wait until he’s done. That’s a good dream too. My problem with this cover is the title. I don’t like it. Hide it, and watch the money roll in.

Big poo-fey prom dresses are annoying. I don’t have any experience in them, but I can only imagine the days I’ve waited by a bathroom for my girlfriend to come out when she was wearing a dress. I know the term off like a prom dress is out there, but how long did it take to get off said prom dress?! I’ll tell you: 4 hours. Twice as long as it took to put it on. I am no math genius, but if there is beer involved, that dude passed out 40 minutes into your take off your dress adventure. Get a summer dress… easier to take off and they’re sexy. Also, any women in an expensive dress is going to avoid getting grass stains on her very expensive frock. Honestly, I think she is using him as a blanket on top of the picnic blanket so her dress doesn’t get dirty. Change the dress.

This cover is one of my favorites. It gets right to the point. I am a girl and I’m on top to dominate you. I can wear any dress I want, and you, man, will look hot and exercise. The only grade this deserves a B. My biggest concern? The title. Change it, and you got yourself a book!

Judin’ A Book By It’s Cover: Pleasuring the Pirate by Emily Bryan

It’s time for this week’s Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

I present to you Pleasuring the Pirate by Emily Bryan. The review is in no way about the book, but what the cover tells me. I applaud anyone who finishes writing a book, but demean all unrealistic covers.

A captain takes on the adventure of women who are only allowed to please their man.

“Did you let one slip?”

Pleasuring the Pirate (face palm) by Emily Bryan. I don’t even know where to begin… there is so much…

FIRST, if you’re going to title your book Pleasuring the Pirate, please understand that you will be turning away half your audience. Let’s be honest, most women who buy these romance novels already find themselves subservient to someone in their household. I don’t think they want to fantasize about how to be even more of a servant. How do we fix this? Hide the title. BAM, profits just went up 50%!

Second, what fantasy is it of a woman to want to please a pirate. We all understand that all pirates, even Johnny Depp, tried to take advantage of women, right? Am I alone to believe that if you don’t pleasure the pirate (face palm) he’ll forgive you and you’ll live a happy life? No, that pirate will slit your throat and cut you to the curb. It’ll be your middle school break up all over again.

Third, this “pirate” has been sailing without a shirt for how long and he’s not as a dark as a ripe banana? The man is going to come down with melanoma unless the “pirate pleasure-er” is in his ear telling him to captain from the shade. It’s a shame that the fantasy is to find a pirate to tan to a bronze, but not any darker. We don’t want to encourage interracial relationships. You keep him as close to bronze as possible. I would love if this cover had a Somali pirate. Seriously. If you think about it, a pirate elicits danger and this guy looks like he should be cleaning my pool. Maybe we should rename this book to a releastic Pleasuring the Cabana Boy. This man has no scars, gunshot wounds, missing legs, a parrot! Please add one of the above and you will have a New York Times Bestseller for 40 years! You gotta be kiddin’ me Xchel! I’m not. Do you know how many teenagers walk around buying gag gifts for each other? It’s simple money.

Finally, she’s acting desperate. She’s putting it out there for him to grab onto. “Oops, I forgot my bra! How clumsy of me,” is not a way to get a man. I mean, you will get one.. for one night. Then that guy is throwing you out for the walk of shame. Women if you put it out there easy, you get dumped easier. Show a little game. Flirt and deny the man. It will drive him wild. If she would have flirted with modesty slipping into temptation, do you know this book would have been called, I’ll Marry You Right Now. Seriously, I Bought A Ring While You Were Getting Ready In The Bathroom. Where is the class? Where is the confidence in being a woman? It’s not here. She just ostrich-d neck herself into the next white pirate that will put up with her daddy issues.

I’m flunking this cover faster than a 3rd grader in a High School Honors History class. An F- would be giving this cover credit. Pleasuring the Pirate walks away with a 10% or F— (otherwise known as f@#K)! If you follow my changes listed above, I would be willing to give this cover an F. Other than that, I would like to have a lengthy discussion with the artist. I would start with, “WHY?!” and end with “Still though, WHY!?”

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: My Fair Viking by Sandra Hill

A book by Sandra Hill

“So… untie me… maybe like, now?”

It’s Monday, which means it’s time for – Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, My Fair Viking by Sandra Hill. The review is in no way about the story. I commend anyone who finishes writing a book, but I demean unrealistic covers.

Ok, I notice she has jewelry. Obviously, she is doing well for herself. It looks like she wants to live her fantasy of finding a hot shirtless poor guy tied up for her pleasure.  I would like to believe she is in ‘love’ with him, but it’s obvious she wants to go to Sugar Momma-town. She has an I own you, but you can borrow the Mercedes look.

What do I like about this cover? She’s honest. Women migrate to lead singers looking guys. And if there is anything I know about lead singers, it’s that they don’t like shirts. If they was a clothing store for lead singers, it would have jeans, fashionable belts, and no shirts.

This guy has been a prisoner for how long, and she won’t even untie him? If my girlfriend was tied up and I came to save her, and the first thing I did was touch her chest, I would get beat upside the head. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I would have a bruise the size of Dolly Parton’s chest. She is excited to see him, and I get that, but put it in your pants lady and help untie the guy.

For a prisoner, he doesn’t have any wounds. Talk about a load of bull sheet. If a viking caught you, and you were his prisoner, that guy would beat you around for a few minutes. ESPECIALLY, if you were better looking than him. You’re telling me this guy was so good looking that his captive was like, “I don’t want to damage your perfect face… or chest… or abs. I guess since you have pants on, I’ll punch your thighs, but not too hard. Maybe just massage them.” No, that guy would look like an eggplant! Plus, the prisoner didn’t look like he put up a fight to get caught. He probably said, “Wait, don’t hurt my face.” Pretty boys never want to do work. They’re pretty. They get by on looks alone.

No guards on the boat. I’ll repeat that, no guards on the boat. You’re telling me a 105 lbs woman, can get onto the boat by herself, fight off a gang of vikings, and find her true love unscathed? What are you smoking, and where can I get some for my conservative uncle! Xchel, she’s tough, maybe she know’s karate. A 100-ft boat housed 80-90 people. Minus 2 for the cover and you are fighting 78-88 people… no. Please, the only viking that could get beat that bad would be any viking from the NFL 2013-14 season.

Lastly, this dude has been at sea for long time and I KNOW he doesn’t have access to a tooth brush. The guy’s breath is RANK! He got breath like thunder, he need some gum. So, the first place she goes is to his face… and smells his breath… right. The scene right after this cover was probably her leaving in disgust and pink eye. If I had been missing for days and my girlfriend had found me tied up… the first thing she would do is make me chew some gum before I could even say a word.

Overall, I give this cover a D+. I like the rock star look, but I have to suspend belief long enough for gingivitis not to nauseate me. This cover would have been B, if they added Orbitz to her hand.

 

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: Never Trust A Scoundrel by Gayle Callan

Dudes be on my junk, like all the time.

Never Trust A Scoundrel by Gayle Callan

It’s Monday and you know what that means. It’s time for Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, Gayle Callan writes Never Trust A Scoundrel. The review is in no way about the story. I commend anyone who finishes writing a book, but demean all unrealistic covers.

Let’s get one thing straight, a lady’s bath time is a lady’s time. I know several men that have tried to surprise their girlfriends/wives in the bathtub and walked away with a bruise upside their head. Are we suppose to believe that a woman loves interruption from her bathtime? Haha, nice one Gayle, or should I say Mrs. Callan (Oh, I got you). From what I know about women, there is no way you are suppose to interrupt that special time. Anytime a girl is in the bathtub there should be a poison symbol on the door. That is a time of relaxing and the last thing she needs is a boner to poke her during a relaxing time.

Is she bathing with the window open? Or, are alien ships coming to abduct her? Either way, she’s pointing her hoohah towards the window. It’s suppose to be heavenly to have natural light come in, but she is tempting random shirtless men that walk our neighborhood. This girl is into voyeurism. If my woman had a bathroom with a window, the first thing I would do is nail some 2×4’s to keep that window close. She can have a window towards where I am inside the house, because if she wants that kind of attention she easily gets it from me. She doesn’t want that kind of attention, that’s why she’s in the bathtub.

Look, it’s easy to fix this cover. All it needs is a hot tub. You got a hot tub and your girlfriend is in it? You are welcomed to come in… otherwise, how are you suppose to fit into a single use bathtub? Those are not meant for ‘messing around’ and is a quick ticket to a kneeing of the genitals. Just don’t do it. Trust me. Save your relationship. Buy her flowers if she is in the tub.

I give this cover a D- for gratuitous boner to back action. I would quickly give a B, if this chick was in a hot tub. Also, pointing your lady bits towards the window is a cry for helot.

Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: Lovers At Heart by Melissa Foster

A Book about Romance

Lovers at Heart By Melissa Foster

It’s time for this week’s Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, Melissa Foster brings us Lovers at Heart: The Bradens. The review is in no way about the book, but what the cover tells me. I commend anyone who finishes writing a book, but demean all unrealistic covers.

First of all,  kissing in the sand: no. If I got my girlfriend pinned down in the sand, I would get two upside the head for:

  1. Pushing her.
  2. Getting sand in her hair.

The amount of time spent on a ladies hair is correlated to the amount of time she will hit you if you ruin it. Is she making her hair nice and culry for me? No, it’s for other ladies, it’s so she’s not the ugliest girl in the room. Fella’s let this be a clear lesson for you, she ain’t getting ready for you, she’s doing it so other women don’t judge her.

Next, being on top of a woman… not realistic. The only way you can be on top of a lady is if you buy her jewelry. I don’t see any new jewelry on this broad. If you are on top, make sure you put on your weight on your arms… this guy is suffocating her. If this was my girlfriend, she would have told me to get up because I’m pinching her hip. And if your lady has a sore hip, you’re going to have a sore time. If there is one thing I know about women, and it’s not a lot, it’s that they don’t like being pinned down by something 50lbs heavier. If she wanted that, she would buy fake DDD boobs. Let’s be honest, the only kind of sand bag your girl wants on top of her is the boobie kind.

I would give this cover a D- because of how unrealistic it is. I understand romance novels are suppose to entertain some sort of fantasy element, but everything in this screams, ‘this guy is going to get his ass kicked once he’s done pulling stupid shit.’ He should have brought a blanket, then I would have given it a B.