Corporation Builds Actual Glass Ceiling

glass-ceiling

Desert Lake Plastics in San Antonio, Texas has recently renovated their corporate home office with their new actual glass ceiling to reflect their traditions of allowing only men to move up in their company’s ranks. The company’s CEO Gavin Perkins stated, “Usually my assistant of ten years, Clair Kees, helps me come up and execute all of my great ideas, but this one, I came up with all on my own.” 

Joan Anderson, a 25-year logistics assistant at Desert Lake Plastics said, “I do like the light that comes in. What I don’t like is when they make all us, female employees, wash the glass ceiling every Friday. The men always somehow convince us that we’re way better at cleaning it than they are while they get to go to Dave and Busters.” 

Regional Production Planner, Jim Haverkamp states about the new glass ceiling, “Going on the glass roof is perfect for looking down the ladies’ shirts! Did I just say that? Because I meant to say that. Also we, the men, are only allowed on the roof so the women can literally see that we’re above them. Isn’t that great?” 

“More glass ceilings are planned to be built in the next year all across the US, we plan to increase sales by 85%,” said Howard Hutchinson, owner of Keep ‘Em Down Glass Ceilings, “I mean, at least that’s what my wife told me, she does all the bookkeeping.” 

GameStop Now Trading Used Games For Firm Handshakes

GRAPEVINE, TEXAS – Video game retailer GameStop has announced it will begin a new trade-in value system based on firm handshakes, winks, and smiles.

“The game industry is being increasingly dominated by digital distribution, which is to be expected,” said GameStop spokesperson Aaron Christensen. “But in these twilight years of physical media, GameStop wants to send a clear message that your used games still have value in our stores.”

Charts on the company’s website indicate used titles from the latest generation of video game consoles may yield as much as three pats on the back and a warm hug.

“Most PS4 titles will at least get you the handshake,” added Christensen. “Really hot titles like Titanfall will also get you a high five, and PowerUp Rewards members, as always, are entitled to a couple of attaboys. You won’t find value like that with the big box retailers who also have trade-in programs.”

Best Buy representative Ian Ross remarked that the electronics retailer has its own plans in place for a similar tiered trade-in system comprised of fist bumps and approving nods.

“We’re not about to be left behind in this arena,” stated Ross. “Best Buy is going to tie this in with its store-wide rewards program already in place, allowing you to save up those winks and grins in an online account.”

At press time, a customer at an area GameStop was handing over a barely used copy of Wolfenstein: The New Order, prompting a game advisor to open an empty cash register, out of which a lonely tumbleweed promptly rolled, carried on a whistling breeze.

Man Loses Son Claims YouTube Made Him Do It

Fayetteville, NC – It what appears to be an open and shut case for authorities is turning into a rampant call for YouTube to shutdown.

Denny Forrester, a fifth grader at Tacoma Elementary, was suppose to stay near his house. He ventured out and lost his way back. Denny found a police officer and cried that he couldn’t find his way home. His father, Sam Forrester, didn’t notice, but Denny was returned by the Fayetteville Police Department. Upon answering the door, Sam scolded his boy for leaving the house. The police were going to arrest Sam for negligence, but instead Sam shouted, “YOUTUBE MADE ME DO IT!” Sam claims he lost his son because he was stuck in a YouTube Rabbit Hole. A Youtube Rabbit Hole is when keep clicking on new videos even though it has nothing to do with your original search. Now the internet is on a massive witch hunt for YouTube to be shut down.

Many have taken to Facebook to voice their opinions to their peers of like minded opinion. “Everyones agree with me, just look at my Facebook likes,” said Ray Clemmings. Out of his 47 friends, he received 46 likes on his ‘Call to Arms’ status. Ray will be deleting his friend, Paul Higgins, whom did not agree. Paul passed away 3 months ago, but that does’t matter to Ray. Mr. Clemmings added, “If you don’t wanna agree with me, don’t be an asshole on my page.”  In response to Ray’s status, Sally Owens brought up the fact that bookstores have a bigger Technology section than a Religion section. We have reached out to Barnes & Noble who claim YouTube made them do it.

The ‘Call to Arms’ is coming from people looking to blame anything else but themselves. “It’s happened to all of us,” said Mrs. Samson, who lost his child last year. “If YouTube wasn’t around, I would have payed more attention to my kid. Honest.” Mrs. Samson was not seen crossing any fingers, so GUR knows she was serious.

Politicians of North Carolina are worried civilians will not deal with the real issue: how YouTube needs to be shut down. State litigation is taking place to ban YouTube in schools, churches, and space. State Senator Ron Carlson says, “If I knew how to YouTube’d,  it would probably explain why I lost my kids years ago.”

Denny Forrester is glad to be back home with his parents. “I hope one day, my dad admits he doesn’t like to hang out with me,” said Denny. “Luckily, I know how to get home now. I watched some YouTube videos about what to do if you’re lost.” Denny’s father, Sam, is pursuing a civil lawsuit against YouTube. He’s suing for emotional damages in having a child, and for YouTube to send him back in time to before he had a child. Until then, Sam plans to “research” YouTube’s black magic.

Married Man Recounts Day He Lost His Balls To Wife

El Segundo, CA – John Peters, a 32 year old Internet Engineer, shared the exact moment he lost his testicles in his 8 year marriage.

The event happens to all men in their marriages. It’s the point where they keep their opinions to themselves because it makes the relationship smooth. Many scientist call this phenomenon “The De-Ball,” “She got ya Dick!,” and “Damn dude, you in love.”

John claims it was a cold December night and they were heading home from his wife’s Christmas work party. “I had just got done apologizing for not agreeing with her, but I kept getting berated.” The so-called “PHP l0Rd” recalls a long silence followed by, “You got my DICK.” The situation was solved when Mr. Peters gave up his opinions in order to achieve a calm life. “My wife, Jeanine, was super pissed and I was confused,” John added. The middle manager now stays in his corner of the house, where he collects bobble heads of cartoon characters from the 1980s.  “I’m proud to own Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” he said as we were leaving. “Sorry you guys have to leave, but my wife doesn’t want company past 8,” he added.

As every man’s deballing is a different experience, they all share the same fate. If you find yourself in this situation, please call your father-figure and apologize for not understanding why be was always quiet. Your mother-figure wanted it that way, and it was too late for your father-figure to return from “The De-Ball.”

30 Year Old Man Admits To Knowing All The Words To Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill Album

Michael Frederick took to Facebook on Thursday to reveal that he knows all the words to Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill. The 30 year old man was quickly met with ridicule, and the only Throw Back Thursday he wanted to participate in was going back to before he put out the status.

His defense? He was a young kid between cultures trying to fit in. Michael had American friends, but it was no surprise those friends were pissed off women who recently ended an unfaithful relationship. “We would play the tape and scream the lyrics,” added Michael. He is no longer friends with these girls as they have moved on from their baggage. [Status Located Below]

“It was a mistake,” said Michael from the top of a building. “I thought it was funny.” Grown Up Recess’s Resident Stand Up Comic, Stan The Funny Man, says that was mistake number one. “When normies go on the instinct of what is funny, they lose their self respect,” he mentioned. He added that the best thing to do for a normal is to only SHARE what is funny. Comedians have gone through the grueling process of being told what’s not funny and come from a different background.  Stan The Funny Man warns, “When you’re a normal, your friends laugh at everything because they want you to laugh at their unfunny things. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Mr. Frederick was ready to jump from a building that was two stories high. “I don’t want to die, I just want to post about something else, so that my post about Alanis will disappear from Top Stories,” he yelled at GUR reporters. Michael may find that hard as his #TBT status garnered an impressive 105 likes.

When asked why Michael wouldn’t just delete the status, he looked at us surprised. “With all the updates, I didn’t know how to do it,” lamented Michael. Once he came down from the building, we showed Mr. Frederick the proper steps to delete a status. First, you head to said status and you click the down arrow in the top right. Then you select delete status and a box appears. Next, click that you are sure you would like to delete the status, and prepare to give up your first born. If first borns are not available, please prepare to give up your most prized possession. Facebook says this is necessary so people don’t post unnecessary statuses, and then delete them like nothing happen.

Michael lives a normal life after deleting his Alanis Morrisette status. Though the only thing Mr. Frederick regrets is giving up his Jagged Little Pill tape.

The status that sent Michael Frederick to jump off a two story building, almost.

The status that sent Michael Frederick to jump off a two story building, almost.

Henrik Lundqvist During Game Six

Henrik Lundqvist in the 3rd period of the Habs vs Rangers Game Six.

The BEST Swimsuits For Your Body Type According To Popular Women’s Magazines

Summer is finally here and you know what that means…it’s time to put on some spandex and jump into liquid!

We know what you’re thinking, “But I hate my body. How could there possibly be a swimsuit that can hide the horrible shame I feel about not having the body of a 14-year-old gymnast?” Have no fear, GUR is here to help you out of your media-conditioned body dysmorphic disorder and get you into the cancerous sun! Hooray!

We’ve consulted the TOP women’s magazines and put together a list of THEIR BEST swimsuit advice for your body type.

1. Pear Shaped

  • Fruit doesn’t swim. And pears are gross looking. Forgo wasting your money on a swimsuit and instead spend your summer passing your self-hatred onto your daughter.

2. Large Bust

  • Quit bragging! Boobs are just fat. So basically your “large bust” is just because you’re a big fat fatty fat fat. Plus natural boobs are gross. Cut those things off and go get some saline like a civilized woman.

3. Curvy

  • Really? You think people really think you’re “curvy?” They don’t. They think you should stitch a bunch of towels together and cover your entire body with them and then bury yourself in the sand.

4. Athletic

  • Athletic is code for manly. Just accept the fact that you look like a dude and dudes don’t wear bikinis so you shouldn’t either. But consider yourself lucky because dudes don’t have to read magazine articles about what swimsuits strangers  think they should wear to the beach. Dudes just put on a pair of shorts and enjoy life.

5. Straight

  • You’re the only one on this list who should buy a bikini or swimsuit period. Straight is good. Any deviation from the straight line of your body is bad. Enjoy the fact that your hips and waist are the same size. Well done on being self-disciplined enough to allow your body to starve and thus eat itself so that you can be as straight and thin as a pencil. Don’t worry if you’re too weak to hold your head up, just ask one of your fat friends to hold it up while you accept your title as Queen Beach.

bikini

Don’t even go there fatty. You’re at least a size 4 and that is just too big to be exposing your skin in public. In fact, we recommend that you keep your clothes on at all times…even when showering. You’re welcome. Girl Power!