How To Find Your True Love at a Gay Bar in 10 Easy Steps

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Follow these 10 easy steps to find your true love at a gay bar!—

Items you will need:

Weave made out of pigeon parts
Bag of beef jerky
Lonely angst

Step 1      Go to a gay bar.
Step 2      Make sure you gasp loudly at the first guy you see when you walk in and then leave right away.
Step 3      Wait 30 minutes in your car, eat the beef jerky and then come back in.
Step 4      Find the same guy you gasped at. At this point, he is now in love with you.
Step 5      Go to the bathroom and place the pigeon weave on. This will seal the deal with your fella.
Step 6      Fill your pockets with bathroom trash.
Step 7      Find a crevice or hidden area of the bar and lay down.
Step 8      Cover your face with the trash revealing only your eyes.
Step 9      Lie perfectly still staring at everyone walking by.
Step 10    Psst your fella over to you. He will be so flattered by you, that he will ❤ you forever!

Congratulations! You found true love at a gay bar!!!

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Ask LesbiAnn Landers

lesbiAnn

 

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I live in a rural town in Idaho with my husband and two cats. Lately, my husband has been going out for very long drives into the city while wearing his clean underwear— And when he comes back, he smells like lady parts that aren’t mine! I think that he’s cheating on me! Should I confront him?

– Unhappy in Idaho.

Dear Unhappy,

You should DEFINITELY leave your husband FOR A WOMAN. He’s not the ONLY one who should be allowed to smell like sweet, sweet lady parts. You gotta FIND that lady he’s been slamming his grotty balls on and RIDE HER OUT GOOD! Also, stop cleaning his underwear so he can’t get any.

Yours truly,

LesbiAnn Landers.

*

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I know I’m a LeZbIaN but I’m only 13 and my MoM won’t let me date any girls even though I’m SO READY TO DO THIS!!!! I think she’s just jeaLEZ because she KNOWZ I’m going to grow up to be like, THE HOTTEST LEZZIE EVER. Like, Tegan N Sara HOT!!!! I REEAALLY want to run away from this LAME-ASS HOME and go live in PoRtLaNd with my friend Snaggletooth! Should I go?

– 13 Going On 30 Ladies.

Dear 13,

Do it!  Your mom’s a fucking labia Nazi. Say hi to Snaggletooth for me.

LesbiAnn Landers.

*

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I’m a 28-year-old man and I’ve been living in NYC for about a year now. Lately I’ve been dating a lot of women and it seems like they just don’t stick around. I’ve been noticing a pattern though, it’s usually right after I perform oral sex on these women when they decide to leave me. Are there any cunnilingus tips you can give me or are these women just being superficial?

– Single in NYC.

Dear Single,

What you do is, FIRST— get a SEX CHANGE and become a woman. Once you got a twat, you learn how to use it and what works and doesn’t. Learning from your own downstairs is always better! After you figure it out on yourself, you’ll have no problem going to town on those hot NYC ladies!.

Labia forever!

LesbiAnn Landers.

How to Have An Emotional Breakdown in Public in 5 Easy Steps

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1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.

2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.

3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!

4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.

5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.

Enjoy your public breakdown!

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: The Championship

Well, we’ve arrived at the time we’ve all been waiting for…The Game of Thrones season 4 premiere! Also, the March Descent Into Madness championship took place last night. And it did not disappoint, unless you were hoping for everyone in attendance to keep their limbs. In that case, it did disappoint, and kinda a lot.

This year’s Final Four was a special one. Instead of the usual four top contenders, this year, officials allowed in two previously defeated contestants, Sexual Jealousy of Clouds and Wearing Candy as a Warning to Other Candy. Both teams could appear at any time, for an unspecified amount of time, and could potentially win the championship. And as you would expect, shit got super real, folks.

The first game in the series, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors faced off against Revenge Pooping. Things were locked in a dead heat until the fourth trimester when Sexual Jealousy of Clouds suddenly appeared, radiating an unrelenting resentment toward those fluffy sky harlots. Both teams fought hard against their now shared opponent, but there could only be one victor, and it was Revenge Pooping with a mad squat to end all mad squats in the last 20 seconds of the game.

Next, Hissing at Those Who Displease You went head to head with Never Blinking in an incredible back-and-forth match for the ages. But a quick appearance from Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy proved distracting, allowing the resurrected contender to steal the lead from both teams and ultimately win the game. Fans celebrated by brandishing their candy necklaces threateningly, leaving hundreds wounded.

Finally, we came to the big championship game between Revenge Pooping and Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy. Tensions were high as both teams took center stage. Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy started sweet and playful but menacing, but it was no match for Revenge Pooping’s spectacular shits of fury. Even an abrupt appearance from Sexual Jealousy of Clouds could not slow down this veritable shitshow. Revenge Pooping won 900 to Frowning Sun, making them the 2014 March Descent Into Madness champions.

Revenge Pooping has a rich March Descent Into Madness history. In the 1980s, coach Anger Scatsmith took Revenge Pooping from a ragtag team to the full-blown powerhouse that it is today. Considered a genius by same and tyrant by others, Scatsmith drew fire for his controversial coaching methods. During training season, Scatsmith was rumored to make players to take anger dumps from sun up to sun down, causing some players to pass out mid-squeeze. Regardless of where you stand, it’s hard to disagree that all that hard work has not paid off for these now six-time champions.

Thanks to all the supportive fans, all of you who hissed until they were hoarse to show support for Hissing at Those Who Displease You; all of you who decorated their homes and bodies in anger feces for Revenge Pooping; all who started a fire for Constantly Starting Fires (and also because they wanted to see its cleansing flames flicker in the moonlight). See you next year, but until then, see in your nightmares!

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: Final Four

After many harrowing matches, millions of brackets destroyed and the occasional torrential rains of fire, March Descent Into Madness is now down to the final four: Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors, Hissing at Those Who Displease You, Revenge Pooping and Never Blinking.

These teams have edged their ways to their top, battling foe after foe. Revenge Pooping beat out the terrifying but also oddly soothing Everything is Tentacles Now?. Hissing at Those Who Displease You stomped out Belief that Air Bud Is a Documentary, leaving their opponents shaking their fists at the sky and muttering about how “Air Bud: Golden Receiver” is “the real truth.” Never Blinking ultimately won out over Not Wearing Sunscreen Because It Makes You Invisible to God, but you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone in attendance that would say it wasn’t a good game with two well-matched players, even if you brandished a knife and demanded to hear otherwise. One of the most controversial matches, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes, ended with a surprise move in which Harrison Ford, star of “Indiana Jones” and “Regarding Henry,” laughed maniacally into a cracked mirror while holding a pair of presumably stolen red pumps. Game officials had a tough call to make, but ultimately sided with Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors, a decision that will not doubt live in infamy for many disappointed fans for years to come.

This year, we’re changing up the competition to include two wild cards. These teams may appear in any match (as well as in your dreams. Sorry about that in advance) at any time without warning or regard for human life. Our two wild card teams are Wearing Candy Necklaces as Warning to Other Candy and Sexual Jealousy of Clouds. Of course, this means that one of these resurrected teams can potentially win the championship on April 7.

Which March Descent Into Madness team are you rooting for to go all the way? Cheer on your favorite by displaying one of these cover photos on Facebook:

A Facebook cover photo for Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors

Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors

A Facebook cover photo for Never Blinking

Never Blinking

A Facebook cover photo for Revenge Pooping

Revenging Pooping

A Facebook cover photo for Hissing at Those Who Displease You

Hissing at Those Who Displease You

A Facebook cover photo for Sexual Jealousy of Clouds

Sexual Jealousy of Clouds

Facebook Cover Photo for Wearing a Candy Necklace as Warning to Other Candy

Wearing a Candy Necklace as Warning to Other Candy

 

Related Articles:

March Descent Into Madness Bracket

March Descent Into Madness: Round 1

March Descent Into Madness: Round 2

March Descent Into Madness: Sweet 16

March Descent Into Madness: Charlie’s Picks

March Descent Into Madness: Tesla’s Top Teams

March Descent Into Madness: Insanity Fans Agonize Over Brackets

 

 

Woman With OCD Regrets Getting Invisalign

“I thought it’d be a good idea, but it’s been hell,” said 34-year-old Courtney Literbottum. Despite the fact that she just got her Invisalign retainers yesterday, Literbottum is unsure if her mouth will ever again be truly clean.

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 If I touch the knobs on my stove once a day until my fingers bleed, I will finish grad school.

Litterbottum was instructed by her dentist to remove her Invisalign retainers when eating and then brush both her teeth and the retainers before she puts them back on. It is also mandatory that she wear her retainers 22 hours a day. “I’ve already brushed my teeth fifty-two times today and I haven’t even eaten anything,” said Literbottum while snapping her fingers until she gets it “just right.”

Before Invisalign, Literbottum brushed her teeth twelve times a day. “I only stay awake twelve hours out of the day so naturally it makes sense that I would brush my teeth once every hour I am conscious.”

Literbottum’s therapist, Jeffrey Selsman encouraged her to get Invisalign. “Let’s face it. It’s not like she’s going to get any better. As long as she’s willing to pay the hundred dollar co-pay and I can bill her insurance company for each visit, that crazy bitch can brush her teeth until they fall out.” Literbottum admits that her therapist’s tactics are unconventional; however, she can’t bring herself to find a new therapist. “I have thought of going to see a new therapist, but every time I leave his office, I have to drive back to the parking lot and re-park my car twenty-one and a half times  in the exact same spot so that my mom won’t die. So far, so good.”

Literbottum is still planning on going forward with her Invisalign for fear that if she doesn’t, dinosaur dung will fall from the sky and her Honda Civic will blow up.

For more information on OCD, re-read this story one-hundred times while counting your eyelashes. It’s the only way to retain information.