How To Find Your True Love at a Gay Bar in 10 Easy Steps

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Follow these 10 easy steps to find your true love at a gay bar!—

Items you will need:

Weave made out of pigeon parts
Bag of beef jerky
Lonely angst

Step 1      Go to a gay bar.
Step 2      Make sure you gasp loudly at the first guy you see when you walk in and then leave right away.
Step 3      Wait 30 minutes in your car, eat the beef jerky and then come back in.
Step 4      Find the same guy you gasped at. At this point, he is now in love with you.
Step 5      Go to the bathroom and place the pigeon weave on. This will seal the deal with your fella.
Step 6      Fill your pockets with bathroom trash.
Step 7      Find a crevice or hidden area of the bar and lay down.
Step 8      Cover your face with the trash revealing only your eyes.
Step 9      Lie perfectly still staring at everyone walking by.
Step 10    Psst your fella over to you. He will be so flattered by you, that he will ❤ you forever!

Congratulations! You found true love at a gay bar!!!

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How to Have An Emotional Breakdown in Public in 5 Easy Steps

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1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.

2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.

3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!

4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.

5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.

Enjoy your public breakdown!

Ray J Attacked By A Shark Wearing Beats Headphones At Melissa Etheridge’s Wedding

 

You heard it here first. The “I Hit It First” rapper was attacked by  a shark while attending Melissa Etheridge’s wedding to Nurse Jackie Creator, Linda Wallem. The couple tied the knot in a small ceremony last night in Montecito, CA, which included famous guests like Edie Falco, Amy Adams and MC Hammer who was officiating the ceremony. According to reports, Ray J  showed up at the end of the ceremony with a Kim Kardashian impersonator as his date.

In typical Ray J fashion, no one wanted the pseudo celebrity at the wedding, but he showed up anyway. “Like the rest of America, Melissa only knows Ray J as Brandy’s younger brother who just won’t go away,” said actress Amy Adams. When Ray J arrived, he was clearly drunk and began making a scene. He was going up to each guest and asking if Kanye West was there. When he was told that Kanye West was not in attendance, he freaked out and yelled, “Did y’all know I was all up in his wife first? And I dated Whitney Houston the night she died?” Etheridge and her new bride were visibly upset by this disruption to their beautiful ceremony. It was then that “Pumps And A Bump” rapper turned Minister, MC Hammer, attacked the belligerent Ray J.

Hammer ran up behind Ray J, and bit him with the new shark teeth he had implanted into his mouth last year. Then Hammer’s wife, Elizabeth Hammer opened up the shark tank that sat next to her and unleashed their pet shark, Teethy on him. “Hammer brings Teethy everywhere he goes.  Teethy is one of his prized possessions. He loves him so much, he had his dentist implant identical teeth into his mouth,” said good friend and Nurse Jackie star, Edie Falco.

Hammer who once filed for bankruptcy after living a life of over indulgence and extravagance, has regained his fortune thanks to the donations he receives in the name of the Lord from the followers of his church – We Got To Pray Just To Make It Today. As Teethy, who was sporting a brand new pair of Beats Headphones that Hammer gave him as a birthday present, bit into Ray J’s right leg, Hammer bit into the left. Many guests at the wedding were heard yelling, “Please Hammer don’t hurt em,” but that didn’t cease their attack. It wasn’t until Etheridge started singing her Grammy Award winning song, “Come To My Window” that both Teethy and Hammer let Ray J loose and walked in a trans-like-state toward the newlywed.

Ray J was airlifted to a local hospital where both his legs were amputated and his mouth was sewn shut. According to the surgeon who operated on Ray J, the amputation was medically necessary, but sewing his mouth shut was not. “I took the liberty of sewing his mouth shut for the betterment of America. You’re welcome.”

Movie Critic’s New Rating System Stuns ‘Maleficent’ Premiere

A film critic’s new rating system turns Maleficent’s Premiere into a bad time for Brad Pitt.

Ukranian bad boy turned film critic, Vitalii Sediukwas taken down by security guards at the red carpet. Vitalii was giving his first review of Maleficent with his fists. “When I like something, I want to punch it,” claimed Vitalii. “It was so good, I gave it two black eyes.”

Brad Pitt will not be pressing charges as he turned out to be flattered by the review. “He liked my wife’s movie. Thank goodness, because not many critics did,” said Brad. He was such a fan of Vitalli Sediuk’s review he requested his body guards give him a rave review. The film critic earned two black eyes, a broken rib, and a bruised kidney. The critic was flattered.

Vitalli will continue to review movies. His next movie? Mr. Sediuk will head to 22 Jump Street’s Premiere to give it an outstanding four black eyes. “I really liked it, and I will give Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill my review personally.”

If you would like to review movies for blackeyemoviereviews.com, please submit your restraining order in an email with the subject title of “Arrest Me,” to the LAPD. Please include your name, address, phone number, and any erotic fan fiction you may have about a current or past celebrity.

Rob Kardashian Absent From Kimye’s Wedding

Yesterday the internet was a buzz with speculation on why Rob Kardashian, brother of Kim Kardashian, did not attend her May 25th nuptials to Kanye West.

There have been multiple reports that the 27-year-old sock designer suffered a great loss this weekend and was therefore unable to attend.

According to his publicist, Rhett Jones, “On Saturday night, Rob lost one of his beloved red-striped socks in the dryer.”

Dryers have claimed the lives of many of socks since their invention in 1942, yet there have been little to no repercussions. “That dryer took his best friend, but there’s nothing he can do about it. The LAPD don’t care. They’re too busy stealing hard-working American’s crack,” said Jones.

Rob’s former best friend, Alex Cuengo has little sympathy for the only Kardashian brother. “It’s a f*cking sock. Rob needs to stop being a little bitch.” According to Cuengo, this behavior is typical of his former bestie. “Rob’s always feeling sorry for himself. Last week he dropped his strawberry shake from Sonic on the ground and then called to say he was ‘too distraught’ to come out for my birthday.”

Rob not only disappointed the entire Kardashian Klan by being absent to his sister’s wedding, but girlfriend, Tasha Fiery as well. “I assumed I was going to be his date, but then I saw a friend post on his Facebook wall, ‘Sorry your date was murdered, bro.’ I’m glad that sock is dead,” said Fiery.

However, there is one person who is extremely sympathetic to Rob’s pain and also feels responsible for it, his maid. “I put the socks in the dryer and it eat it up. I look and I look, but I only find one. I feel so sad. I told Mr Rob and he climbed in the dryer and would not come out.”

Rob took to his Twitter this morning to explain his absence.
(Via Twitlonger): Anyone who’s lost someone they love knows what I’m going thru. Leftie was part of my +2 to the wedding. He RSVP’d for steak & lobster. It would have been too painful and too tempting to have to stare at his full plate during the reception. One day my family will understand my decision. Kim will marry again and I promise not to miss that wedding.

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This situation socks.

Cutting Room Floor: The Raid: Redemption (2011)

It’s time for Cutting Room Floor, and boy do we have a surprise for you! We understand that looking at film stills could be boring, so we are experimenting with actual film clips. Please let us know if you would like to see more film stills or clips.

This week’s prize: The Raid: Redemption (2011). ENJOY!

Local Woman Gets Nailed on TV

Iowa native, Claire Dibbo, was given the final nail on last night’s season finale of the hit reality show, “Got Wood?” 30-year-old Dibbo was one of sixteen ladies competing for the love of the wooden privacy fence that stands along the property line of 1534 Lexington Ave. In last night’s riveting finale, Dibbo and 20-year-old, Katherine Sefren were the last two ladies hoping to get nailed.

“I never thought Wood would pick me. I’m thirty years old and Wood was just built last year. I thought for sure our age difference would be a factor. But during our final date, he gave me the deepest sliver I have ever had. It was the most painful, yet beautiful night of my life. After that, I had Wood inside of me and there was no 20-year-old tweezer who could remove that.”

As for Sefren, she describes last night’s decision as having her heart “chopped into pieces with an ax.”

“I think I lost because I wasn’t being my true self on the show. I’m a happy person, but I was careful not to be chipper around Wood because I know that would have killed it.”

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Dibbo and Wood share an intimate moment before nailing one another.