March Descent Into Madness: Tesla’s Top Teams

TeslaMadness

It’s officially that time of the year again for everybody in America to take off their boring everyday normal sane person hat, put on a couple tutus, yell at some cheese, smear poop on their front door, fill the bathtub with mayonnaise, and turn the boob tube to ESPN Ocho, because it’s March Descent Into Madness time (brought to you by Papa John’s).

Hi, I’m Nikola Tesla. You probably know me as the guy from history who looks a lot like Frank Zappa. But what you didn’t know about me is that I was also a mad electrical scientist. I was the first person in history to literally shock and awe an audience. And I’ve been doing color commentating and erotic blogging to pay off the lawyer fees ever since.

But enough about me, let’s get into my top picks for this years March Descent Into Madness. This year has by far the best lineup of crazies I’ve ever seen.

My personal favorite, one that hits very close to home, Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets have a tough road ahead of them beginning with a game against Belief You Can Control Ocean Tides If You Want. Now I don’t trust anything that grows in the ground and has babies, but when it comes to madness this March, I can trust these carrots to take it to the final rounds of the tourney. They play good defense and always know exactly when to keep your trust and when to spill the magical beans. Ocean tides on the other hand have a strong team this year, but with the moon orbiting farther and farther away from the Earth every year, they just don’t have the strength they used to.

Another strong contender for the final round is Sleeping In A Dumpster. Last year we saw them lose out early in the tourney to Counting Cat Hairs On A Dog because their lead scorer was tricked into joining Circus Soleil, but this year he was able to convince them the wasn’t a Canadian acrobat and is now sleeping in dumpsters with the best of them. Watch out though in their first game against the always competitive Never Blinking who went for an entire decade without blinking but was disqualified from last years tourney when the league found out they were doping superglue into to their eyes. I feel they learned their lesson and are back this year to prove everybody wrong.

My favorite underdog pick this year has got to be Won’t Put Knife Down. They play with such tenacity and grip. It’s a wonder they aren’t higher ranked. I met with a few of their players last night only to conclude that they mean serious business and would only talk to me from behind a door through morse code of tapping their knives on the door handle and yelling “Here’s Johnny!” They begin the tourney with a game against Everything Is Tentacles Now? who have lead the East Coast in scoring and holding onto things. Can the tentacles take the knives away? I for sure am going to be watching this one on ESPN Ocho.

And finally my honorable mentions:

Sexual Jealousy of Clouds, Aggressive Nudity, Revenge Pooping, and the University of Kentucky

Awww, March Descent Into Madness. Can you feel the electric tension in the air? Because if you can’t then you’re probably not taking enough of those pills that homeless guy gave you. I’m Nikola Tesla rocking on electric avenue wishing you safe soldering and always remember your resistor 4-band color code: 1st band, 2nd band, 3rd band, multiplier, and then tolerance (brought to you by Papa John’s).

A dip into madness, set only in March.

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Uber And Tinder Are Hooking Up

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UBER and TINDER combined are Getting A Hooker

In a surprising move today, the popular online dating service application Tinder and the transportation network Uber have officially merged together to create an all-encompassing dating and ride service company called Getting A Hooker.

Getting A Hooker simplifies Uber and Tinder into one easy to use application on your smart phone in which you set your location, scroll through the countless men and women that are near you, choose up to ten people that you feel you want to start a relationship with, and then Getting A Hooker uses a special algorithm to find the person that best matches your compatibility and instructs them to drive to your doorstep within minutes, then after you two have met, your new soulmate will drive you to wherever you want to go.

“We created this app to give assistance to those who both have trouble meeting people and don’t have a car.”

Word of this new app has already spread like wildfire and is planning on revolutionizing the transportation industry. Airline companies are worried about taking a big hit as users are beginning to cancel future flights in order to find someone they are compatible with on the ground and then having Getting A Hooker drive them to where they need to be. Because of this news all major airline companies are looking into future expansions to Getting A Hooker on flights.

“I already canceled all my flights and plan on using Getting A Hooker to drive me to all my business meetings across the country, forever.”

In the few hours since the initial Uber Tinder merger took place over one hundred thousand users have purchased the Getting A Hooker application and used the feature to match compatibility with someone who then comes over, but so far not a single user has taken advantage of the second part of the application by then getting a ride to a different location with that person. Apparently users must be having such amazing luck in finding their soulmate that they would rather spend time immediately with their new Getting A Hooker friend then get a ride from them.

Getting A Hooker is free in the iTunes store and is already more popular than Candy Crush, Angry Birds, Snapchat, and all of Tyler Perry’s apps combined.