Ray J Attacked By A Shark Wearing Beats Headphones At Melissa Etheridge’s Wedding

 

You heard it here first. The “I Hit It First” rapper was attacked by  a shark while attending Melissa Etheridge’s wedding to Nurse Jackie Creator, Linda Wallem. The couple tied the knot in a small ceremony last night in Montecito, CA, which included famous guests like Edie Falco, Amy Adams and MC Hammer who was officiating the ceremony. According to reports, Ray J  showed up at the end of the ceremony with a Kim Kardashian impersonator as his date.

In typical Ray J fashion, no one wanted the pseudo celebrity at the wedding, but he showed up anyway. “Like the rest of America, Melissa only knows Ray J as Brandy’s younger brother who just won’t go away,” said actress Amy Adams. When Ray J arrived, he was clearly drunk and began making a scene. He was going up to each guest and asking if Kanye West was there. When he was told that Kanye West was not in attendance, he freaked out and yelled, “Did y’all know I was all up in his wife first? And I dated Whitney Houston the night she died?” Etheridge and her new bride were visibly upset by this disruption to their beautiful ceremony. It was then that “Pumps And A Bump” rapper turned Minister, MC Hammer, attacked the belligerent Ray J.

Hammer ran up behind Ray J, and bit him with the new shark teeth he had implanted into his mouth last year. Then Hammer’s wife, Elizabeth Hammer opened up the shark tank that sat next to her and unleashed their pet shark, Teethy on him. “Hammer brings Teethy everywhere he goes.  Teethy is one of his prized possessions. He loves him so much, he had his dentist implant identical teeth into his mouth,” said good friend and Nurse Jackie star, Edie Falco.

Hammer who once filed for bankruptcy after living a life of over indulgence and extravagance, has regained his fortune thanks to the donations he receives in the name of the Lord from the followers of his church – We Got To Pray Just To Make It Today. As Teethy, who was sporting a brand new pair of Beats Headphones that Hammer gave him as a birthday present, bit into Ray J’s right leg, Hammer bit into the left. Many guests at the wedding were heard yelling, “Please Hammer don’t hurt em,” but that didn’t cease their attack. It wasn’t until Etheridge started singing her Grammy Award winning song, “Come To My Window” that both Teethy and Hammer let Ray J loose and walked in a trans-like-state toward the newlywed.

Ray J was airlifted to a local hospital where both his legs were amputated and his mouth was sewn shut. According to the surgeon who operated on Ray J, the amputation was medically necessary, but sewing his mouth shut was not. “I took the liberty of sewing his mouth shut for the betterment of America. You’re welcome.”

The BEST Swimsuits For Your Body Type According To Popular Women’s Magazines

Summer is finally here and you know what that means…it’s time to put on some spandex and jump into liquid!

We know what you’re thinking, “But I hate my body. How could there possibly be a swimsuit that can hide the horrible shame I feel about not having the body of a 14-year-old gymnast?” Have no fear, GUR is here to help you out of your media-conditioned body dysmorphic disorder and get you into the cancerous sun! Hooray!

We’ve consulted the TOP women’s magazines and put together a list of THEIR BEST swimsuit advice for your body type.

1. Pear Shaped

  • Fruit doesn’t swim. And pears are gross looking. Forgo wasting your money on a swimsuit and instead spend your summer passing your self-hatred onto your daughter.

2. Large Bust

  • Quit bragging! Boobs are just fat. So basically your “large bust” is just because you’re a big fat fatty fat fat. Plus natural boobs are gross. Cut those things off and go get some saline like a civilized woman.

3. Curvy

  • Really? You think people really think you’re “curvy?” They don’t. They think you should stitch a bunch of towels together and cover your entire body with them and then bury yourself in the sand.

4. Athletic

  • Athletic is code for manly. Just accept the fact that you look like a dude and dudes don’t wear bikinis so you shouldn’t either. But consider yourself lucky because dudes don’t have to read magazine articles about what swimsuits strangers  think they should wear to the beach. Dudes just put on a pair of shorts and enjoy life.

5. Straight

  • You’re the only one on this list who should buy a bikini or swimsuit period. Straight is good. Any deviation from the straight line of your body is bad. Enjoy the fact that your hips and waist are the same size. Well done on being self-disciplined enough to allow your body to starve and thus eat itself so that you can be as straight and thin as a pencil. Don’t worry if you’re too weak to hold your head up, just ask one of your fat friends to hold it up while you accept your title as Queen Beach.

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Don’t even go there fatty. You’re at least a size 4 and that is just too big to be exposing your skin in public. In fact, we recommend that you keep your clothes on at all times…even when showering. You’re welcome. Girl Power!

“Burt Reynolds is not dead,” says Burt Reynolds

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Burt Reynolds is very much alive reports the actor himself. Despite public belief that he passed away five years ago, the 106-year-old says he is not dead, he’s just been taking a lot of naps. “I’m very much alive and sexy. I just get so sleepy,” said Reynolds.

Not only is Reynolds alive, but he is also acting again. Next Saturday afternoon, Reynolds is premiering his one-man show at the Bright Skies Community Theater in Sun City, Arizona. 6 Feet Above Ground is an inspirational tale of one man (Reynolds) and his journey to live as an undead man in a world that has long mourned him. “It makes me sad to know that he’s still with us. I already went through the seven stages of grief and now I’m gonna have to start all over again,” said Florida resident and creator of the RIP Burt Reynolds Facebook fan page, Amber Mickus.

Despite the public confusion, Reynolds says that he doesn’t plan on dying anytime soon.  “I’m still hanging on by a few chest hairs.”

 

Rob Kardashian Absent From Kimye’s Wedding

Yesterday the internet was a buzz with speculation on why Rob Kardashian, brother of Kim Kardashian, did not attend her May 25th nuptials to Kanye West.

There have been multiple reports that the 27-year-old sock designer suffered a great loss this weekend and was therefore unable to attend.

According to his publicist, Rhett Jones, “On Saturday night, Rob lost one of his beloved red-striped socks in the dryer.”

Dryers have claimed the lives of many of socks since their invention in 1942, yet there have been little to no repercussions. “That dryer took his best friend, but there’s nothing he can do about it. The LAPD don’t care. They’re too busy stealing hard-working American’s crack,” said Jones.

Rob’s former best friend, Alex Cuengo has little sympathy for the only Kardashian brother. “It’s a f*cking sock. Rob needs to stop being a little bitch.” According to Cuengo, this behavior is typical of his former bestie. “Rob’s always feeling sorry for himself. Last week he dropped his strawberry shake from Sonic on the ground and then called to say he was ‘too distraught’ to come out for my birthday.”

Rob not only disappointed the entire Kardashian Klan by being absent to his sister’s wedding, but girlfriend, Tasha Fiery as well. “I assumed I was going to be his date, but then I saw a friend post on his Facebook wall, ‘Sorry your date was murdered, bro.’ I’m glad that sock is dead,” said Fiery.

However, there is one person who is extremely sympathetic to Rob’s pain and also feels responsible for it, his maid. “I put the socks in the dryer and it eat it up. I look and I look, but I only find one. I feel so sad. I told Mr Rob and he climbed in the dryer and would not come out.”

Rob took to his Twitter this morning to explain his absence.
(Via Twitlonger): Anyone who’s lost someone they love knows what I’m going thru. Leftie was part of my +2 to the wedding. He RSVP’d for steak & lobster. It would have been too painful and too tempting to have to stare at his full plate during the reception. One day my family will understand my decision. Kim will marry again and I promise not to miss that wedding.

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This situation socks.

Woman Puts On A Pair Of Yoga Pants And Goes From a 5 to an 8

29-year-old Amy Reign has always considered herself to be an average looking woman. That is until she purchased a pair of yoga pants at Ross Dress For Less in Tacoma, Washington.

“For only $14.99, I became a hot chick overnight,” Reign confessed to GUR. Reign said that because of this, she wears her yoga pants at least three to four times a week.

Since 2009, yoga pants have become a boner-inducing fashion statement. Straight men everywhere admittedly love this relatively new fashion trend.

“Asses are the new implants. Every time I see a chick walking ahead of me in a pair of these, I know there’s a God,” said Stephen Tarik, creator of the blog, DatAss.Wordpress.com

Before 2009, yoga pants were only worn by women who spent their days downward-dogging in a room full of nose breathers who often spoke of “being at one with the universe.” However, today, these pants are worn by women who have no intention of ever doing yoga.

“I don’t get how sitting around with my eyes closed will make me thin. That’s just a nap. But I do love what those yoga chicks wear,” explained local gourmet pet food store employee, Candy Rollen.

Sadly, there have been casualties because of this fashion phenomenon, jeans. Jeans have become obsolete now that women are opting for these form-fitting pants instead of the once popular jeans.

“These things [yoga pants] are like magic. Guys who would normally never check me out are now giving me the twice-over when I walk past.”

Reign is noticeably excited about the newfound attention she is receiving from men.

“It used to be, ‘The tighter the sweater. The bigger the better,’ but now it’s, ‘The tighter the yoga pants. And if you can put a cup on her booty that’s even better. But the real secret is not to wear underwear underneath. There’s nothing more unattractive to a man than a visible panty line, except for an unplanned pregnancy ,” said Reign.

Local Woman Gets Nailed on TV

Iowa native, Claire Dibbo, was given the final nail on last night’s season finale of the hit reality show, “Got Wood?” 30-year-old Dibbo was one of sixteen ladies competing for the love of the wooden privacy fence that stands along the property line of 1534 Lexington Ave. In last night’s riveting finale, Dibbo and 20-year-old, Katherine Sefren were the last two ladies hoping to get nailed.

“I never thought Wood would pick me. I’m thirty years old and Wood was just built last year. I thought for sure our age difference would be a factor. But during our final date, he gave me the deepest sliver I have ever had. It was the most painful, yet beautiful night of my life. After that, I had Wood inside of me and there was no 20-year-old tweezer who could remove that.”

As for Sefren, she describes last night’s decision as having her heart “chopped into pieces with an ax.”

“I think I lost because I wasn’t being my true self on the show. I’m a happy person, but I was careful not to be chipper around Wood because I know that would have killed it.”

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Dibbo and Wood share an intimate moment before nailing one another.

Trashed On The Streets Of Hollywood

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Dear Roger,

So here I lay nearing death on the streets of Hollywood. It didn’t have to be like this, Roger, but YOU my former friend, are now a murderer.

I know that I don’t have much time left. I can feel it where my skin used to be. Not only did you dispose of me and leave me for dead, but you also stripped me of my dignity the night you got high on bath salts and cut into me.

Until that night, we were good. I comforted you and you gave me a reason to be. And then your friend Roger told you to destroy me. There he stood over me, egging you on as you cut into me like the cheap flank steak you eat night after night, alone off of a paper towel that sits on your filthy kitchen counter. I watch you stand with only a fork in hand as you lift that shitty meat to your mouth and tear into it like a coyote does its prey. And by the way, who has a best friend with the same name? Did you find each other on samenameddickheads.com?

I used to feel sorry for you, but no more. It’s bad enough that I will die at your hands, but what’s worst of all, is that you remain silent as Roger continues to hurt me.  As I sit here helpless and nearing my expiration, he continually walks past and kicks me. Last week he spat on me and laughed. His spit thick and smelling of Newport cigarettes and a GED.

I do; however, take solace in the fact that Mrs. Anglos from apartment 105 was kind enough to place a simple memorial flower on top of me. This will most likely be the last act of human kindness that I will ever see, but at least I can leave knowing that one person cared about me.

Roger and Roger or Roger Squared as you fondly call yourselves, I hope you both get trapped in your Murphy bed where you will stay for weeks until the hunger is so unbearable that you have no choice but to eat your own kind. It is then that you must  decide which Roger will live and which Roger will die.

Wishing cannibalism on you both,

The Leather Couch Who Used To Love You

 

Trashed On The Streets of Hollywood

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Ethan,

“I really want this microfiber love seat,” you said.

“I’m going to pay for the Scotchgard treatment,” you promised.

“I’m going to have this thing forever,” you told your mom.

My, oh my how things have changed. I was once a prized possession of yours and now I’m trashed out on the streets of Hollywood. You’ve left me here to rot. I thought we were bros. Sure you had your hoes, but they never got in between us for long. Post hook-up, you had a strict, “Girl, get your shit and go” policy. It worked for us.

I accepted the fact that you never got around to getting me that Scotchgard. Instead I welcomed you with open cushions as you placed your filthy feet on my arms and lay your greasy hair against my back. Yeah it smelled like burnt popcorn and baby vomit, but I never tried to change you. It was all going so well until she moved in.

Are you stupid? You must be stupid. That’s the only reason I think for why you would let your girlfriend, Stara move in after only six months of dating. You’re only twenty-three years old! You’re not supposed to be living with some girl with a made-up name. You’re supposed to be passing out on top of me and then waking up with cotton mouth as you try to piece together the events of the previous night while you chug the warm Mountain Dew that perpetually sits on the cardboard box you use as a coffee table.

It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. Stara has you twisted. Since when did we need a dining room table and hand towels? The day before you threw me to the curb, I watched in horror as you ate an organic banana. Are you effing kidding me!?! Organic? That’s just some NPR propaganda. Your banana is protected by its hardy peel and since you don’t eat the peel, who cares if it’s sprayed with the tears of failing family farms. Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me. Stara has convinced you that having some kind of health awareness is somehow going to make your sex life better? Well, guess what? It won’t. Now that you’re living together, you can forget about her ever appreciating you with your pants off. Instead of mid-day smashing, she’ll spend her lunch hour with her co-worker Cody at Chipotle and you’ll be left with a Post-It on a vacuum asking you to “Please have this finished before I get home.” And since you’ve proven to be a little bitch, there you’ll be, vacuuming the apartment for the third time that week while wearing the flannel pajama pants she now makes you wear in order to shield you from touching her with your bare manhood as she sleeps.

So fine! Leave me here. I’d rather be a piece of trash on the street than a dude who throws his bros and his youth away to play house with a chick who has Hepatitis C. Yup, that’s right. I overheard her talking on the phone to her friend Amber. And in Amber’s infinite wisdom, she advised her not to tell you. As my last act of friendship, I thought I’d save you the visit to the doctor and the outrageous bill that would follow since you failed to sign up for Obamacare by the deadline.

Hep C Before Me,

Microfiber the Man Couch