5 Artsy Things To Do When You’re Poor

Are you looking for an artsy outing, but don’t have the cash to spend? If you want to feel like you’re stuck up without spending the dough follow Grown Up Recess’s 5 artsy things to do when you’re poor:

1. Unwarranted Nude Modeling

2. Stand on a corner and ask, “Spare any change of pace?”

3. Tighten your belt so that your regular jeans become skinny jeans.

4. Late bills? Call your loved ones for Monopoly money.

5. Stay unemployed.

 

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Man Loses Son Claims YouTube Made Him Do It

Fayetteville, NC – It what appears to be an open and shut case for authorities is turning into a rampant call for YouTube to shutdown.

Denny Forrester, a fifth grader at Tacoma Elementary, was suppose to stay near his house. He ventured out and lost his way back. Denny found a police officer and cried that he couldn’t find his way home. His father, Sam Forrester, didn’t notice, but Denny was returned by the Fayetteville Police Department. Upon answering the door, Sam scolded his boy for leaving the house. The police were going to arrest Sam for negligence, but instead Sam shouted, “YOUTUBE MADE ME DO IT!” Sam claims he lost his son because he was stuck in a YouTube Rabbit Hole. A Youtube Rabbit Hole is when keep clicking on new videos even though it has nothing to do with your original search. Now the internet is on a massive witch hunt for YouTube to be shut down.

Many have taken to Facebook to voice their opinions to their peers of like minded opinion. “Everyones agree with me, just look at my Facebook likes,” said Ray Clemmings. Out of his 47 friends, he received 46 likes on his ‘Call to Arms’ status. Ray will be deleting his friend, Paul Higgins, whom did not agree. Paul passed away 3 months ago, but that does’t matter to Ray. Mr. Clemmings added, “If you don’t wanna agree with me, don’t be an asshole on my page.”  In response to Ray’s status, Sally Owens brought up the fact that bookstores have a bigger Technology section than a Religion section. We have reached out to Barnes & Noble who claim YouTube made them do it.

The ‘Call to Arms’ is coming from people looking to blame anything else but themselves. “It’s happened to all of us,” said Mrs. Samson, who lost his child last year. “If YouTube wasn’t around, I would have payed more attention to my kid. Honest.” Mrs. Samson was not seen crossing any fingers, so GUR knows she was serious.

Politicians of North Carolina are worried civilians will not deal with the real issue: how YouTube needs to be shut down. State litigation is taking place to ban YouTube in schools, churches, and space. State Senator Ron Carlson says, “If I knew how to YouTube’d,  it would probably explain why I lost my kids years ago.”

Denny Forrester is glad to be back home with his parents. “I hope one day, my dad admits he doesn’t like to hang out with me,” said Denny. “Luckily, I know how to get home now. I watched some YouTube videos about what to do if you’re lost.” Denny’s father, Sam, is pursuing a civil lawsuit against YouTube. He’s suing for emotional damages in having a child, and for YouTube to send him back in time to before he had a child. Until then, Sam plans to “research” YouTube’s black magic.

Married Man Recounts Day He Lost His Balls To Wife

El Segundo, CA – John Peters, a 32 year old Internet Engineer, shared the exact moment he lost his testicles in his 8 year marriage.

The event happens to all men in their marriages. It’s the point where they keep their opinions to themselves because it makes the relationship smooth. Many scientist call this phenomenon “The De-Ball,” “She got ya Dick!,” and “Damn dude, you in love.”

John claims it was a cold December night and they were heading home from his wife’s Christmas work party. “I had just got done apologizing for not agreeing with her, but I kept getting berated.” The so-called “PHP l0Rd” recalls a long silence followed by, “You got my DICK.” The situation was solved when Mr. Peters gave up his opinions in order to achieve a calm life. “My wife, Jeanine, was super pissed and I was confused,” John added. The middle manager now stays in his corner of the house, where he collects bobble heads of cartoon characters from the 1980s.  “I’m proud to own Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” he said as we were leaving. “Sorry you guys have to leave, but my wife doesn’t want company past 8,” he added.

As every man’s deballing is a different experience, they all share the same fate. If you find yourself in this situation, please call your father-figure and apologize for not understanding why be was always quiet. Your mother-figure wanted it that way, and it was too late for your father-figure to return from “The De-Ball.”

30 Year Old Man Admits To Knowing All The Words To Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill Album

Michael Frederick took to Facebook on Thursday to reveal that he knows all the words to Alanis Morrisette’s Jagged Little Pill. The 30 year old man was quickly met with ridicule, and the only Throw Back Thursday he wanted to participate in was going back to before he put out the status.

His defense? He was a young kid between cultures trying to fit in. Michael had American friends, but it was no surprise those friends were pissed off women who recently ended an unfaithful relationship. “We would play the tape and scream the lyrics,” added Michael. He is no longer friends with these girls as they have moved on from their baggage. [Status Located Below]

“It was a mistake,” said Michael from the top of a building. “I thought it was funny.” Grown Up Recess’s Resident Stand Up Comic, Stan The Funny Man, says that was mistake number one. “When normies go on the instinct of what is funny, they lose their self respect,” he mentioned. He added that the best thing to do for a normal is to only SHARE what is funny. Comedians have gone through the grueling process of being told what’s not funny and come from a different background.  Stan The Funny Man warns, “When you’re a normal, your friends laugh at everything because they want you to laugh at their unfunny things. It’s a vicious cycle.”

Mr. Frederick was ready to jump from a building that was two stories high. “I don’t want to die, I just want to post about something else, so that my post about Alanis will disappear from Top Stories,” he yelled at GUR reporters. Michael may find that hard as his #TBT status garnered an impressive 105 likes.

When asked why Michael wouldn’t just delete the status, he looked at us surprised. “With all the updates, I didn’t know how to do it,” lamented Michael. Once he came down from the building, we showed Mr. Frederick the proper steps to delete a status. First, you head to said status and you click the down arrow in the top right. Then you select delete status and a box appears. Next, click that you are sure you would like to delete the status, and prepare to give up your first born. If first borns are not available, please prepare to give up your most prized possession. Facebook says this is necessary so people don’t post unnecessary statuses, and then delete them like nothing happen.

Michael lives a normal life after deleting his Alanis Morrisette status. Though the only thing Mr. Frederick regrets is giving up his Jagged Little Pill tape.

The status that sent Michael Frederick to jump off a two story building, almost.

The status that sent Michael Frederick to jump off a two story building, almost.

Henrik Lundqvist During Game Six

Henrik Lundqvist in the 3rd period of the Habs vs Rangers Game Six.

Movie Critic’s New Rating System Stuns ‘Maleficent’ Premiere

A film critic’s new rating system turns Maleficent’s Premiere into a bad time for Brad Pitt.

Ukranian bad boy turned film critic, Vitalii Sediukwas taken down by security guards at the red carpet. Vitalii was giving his first review of Maleficent with his fists. “When I like something, I want to punch it,” claimed Vitalii. “It was so good, I gave it two black eyes.”

Brad Pitt will not be pressing charges as he turned out to be flattered by the review. “He liked my wife’s movie. Thank goodness, because not many critics did,” said Brad. He was such a fan of Vitalli Sediuk’s review he requested his body guards give him a rave review. The film critic earned two black eyes, a broken rib, and a bruised kidney. The critic was flattered.

Vitalli will continue to review movies. His next movie? Mr. Sediuk will head to 22 Jump Street’s Premiere to give it an outstanding four black eyes. “I really liked it, and I will give Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill my review personally.”

If you would like to review movies for blackeyemoviereviews.com, please submit your restraining order in an email with the subject title of “Arrest Me,” to the LAPD. Please include your name, address, phone number, and any erotic fan fiction you may have about a current or past celebrity.

Serge Ibaka’s Return Sparks Controversy

The Oklahoma City Thunder beat The San Antonio Spurs 106 to 97 with the help of Serge Ibaka. Serge’s return brought back OKC in the NBA’s Western Conference Finals. He was said to be out for the rest of the playoffs, but Ibaka played 30 minutes, 15 points, 7 rebounds from a wheel chair.

Ibaka rose to the occasion by running over the feet of Spurs players. Head Coach of The Thunder, Scott Brooks, couldn’t be prouder. “We really needed him,” commented the happy coach, “even though we caused irreversible damage to his calf.” Coach Brooks plans to make an example of Ibaka. He added, “I’m planning to see who is committed by tearing everyone’s ACL with my mighty coach fist and asking them to play the next day.”

The trend for players to come back from injury and play has been around since the beginning of the NBA. Let us not forget Reggie Jordan’s famous game where he played while in a coma. Many thought Reggie was out of his mind, but Coach Phil Jackson said, “it was the right thing to do.” Reggie Jordan died after the game due to complications not dealing with the coma we are told by Jackson’s rep.

Serge’s finished the game with no injury, but when he took off his compression wrap, it exploded. Ibaka plans to play Game 4 of the Western Conference Finals with a leg transplant from Hasheem Thabeet. “Let’s be honest,” said Ibaka, “he doesn’t need it.”

 

Kim Chang picks his nose at The Cavaliers Arena

Cleveland Cavaliers Ready To Mess Up… For Reals

The Cleveland Cavaliers received the first pick in the NBA Draft for the third time in four years, and this time they’re going to mess it up… on purpose.

This comes as no surprise as the Cavaliers come off a 33-49 season. “We’re ready to mess up, but this time for reals,” said General Manager David Griffin. The organization is sick of embarrassing themselves by mistake, but this time plan to be serious about messing up.

The Cavs plan to draft seventh grader Chinese student Kim Chang from Kyrene Middle School in Tempe, AZ. Kim has been scouted by the Cavs since he was in fifth grade. “He was last picked on the school yard, which made him first pick for us,” added David. Mr. and Mrs. Chang are happy for their son and hope the draft will stop him from picking his nose and eating it.

Dan Gilbert, owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers, is optimistic for the new change in drafting. “If we try to do bad, good will happen. Hopefully, opposite day works out for us,” shouted the owner from a helicopter interview GUR set up. As our helicopters nearly crashed from being too close, GUR was able to make out that Dan Gilbert plans to whine about slang on a Hong Kong Shack or to sign Chang to a long term contract, whichever makes sense.

The NBA draft will be held on June 26th, 2014 and The Cavaliers are ready to mess up… on purpose.