There have been many debates over global warming and climate change in the recent past. Everything from a depleting ozone to the cutting down of rainforest has been linked as a contributing factor to climate. However, a new threat is on the horizon.
Kale has become popular among health conscious Americans as a staple food in their diet. Putting kale into one’s body may be healthy, but what leaves the human body is a noxious killing machine.
“The human body benefits greatly from kale. The problem is that the human intestinal tract converts the small amount of waste into a toxin known as ‘ultra-gas’,” says Dr. Sherman Fecalspan, head of the Gastro-intestinal Foundation of America. “The results of this ‘ultra-gas’ or ‘uber-farts’ as they’re known on the streets, can be catastrophic.” In Manahattan alone there have been 7 deaths related to uber-farts in the subway. 5 of those were due to inhalation and 2 of those were from subway occupants beating the ‘farter’ to death.
And that’s only the beginning. Dr. Fecalspan speculates that inside of five years, we could be on the verge of another global catastrophe.
“People don’t realize that Chernobyl had nothing to do with nuclear instability and everything to do with a change in the cafeteria menu. Kale was being served with everyone’s lunch. All those gases built up after a short amount of time, and now no one can live in the area where that power plant was.”
The Gastro-intestinal Foundation was formed in 1986, after the top-secret report implicating kale as the primary reason for the Chernobyl. The Ukraine Government refused to acknowledge any claims by conspiracist theories, but the truth started to leak out like a silent but deadly kale fart.
The truth of the matter came to when Ukraine whistle blowers came out and stated that kale was grown in nuclear power plants. The radioactive material has be known to be helpful, but ultimately damaging to the society around it. The Ukraine Government refused to confess to the matter, since kale is the number one export.
If you see someone eating kale, please stop them. They know not of the dangers they put everyone else in. The phenomenom is called KALENESS(pronounced selfishness) and stems from a person wanting to do good to themselves, but bad to the world around them.
The kale-fart leaks into the atmosphere and causes deterioration, thus proving global warming to be true. True… due to kale farts.
Fort Lee, New Joisey (GUR) An unnamed source has stepped forward to Grown Up Recess with new information in regards to Bridge Gate also known as the Fort Lee Bridge closure. If the information is confirmed it could blow the case wide open and make New Jersey as a state look more ridiculous than in past years.
On Sept. 9, 2013 lanes were closed on the George Washington Bridge in New Jersey and reopened on Sept. 13, 2013 causing one of the worst traffic pile ups since the iPhone 5 was released. Initial reports suggested the lane closure was part of a traffic survey being put on with the state of NJ in conjunction with the Port Authority.
Since the closure, several of Chris Christie’s staff have been fired or tendered their resignation. Most notably Bridget Kelley was fired as being the person who gave the order to have the lanes closed. Currently she is working to gain legal immunity for information she possesses that will shed some light on this case.
A made up quote from warehouse employee Steve Marek claims that if Bridget Kelley were to expose Chris Christie’s chin as giving the order for the lane closure, her life would be in danger as well as anything else that might be credible that comes out of her mouth.
Representatives of Chris Christie’s office didn’t respond immediately with a comment. However, we did see this on Christie’s twitter:
“I think it’s absolutely ridiculous these allegations against my chin and I find it really hard to believe that a journalist could concauct such a story. Now leave it at that.” @GoobernerChristie
Sources close to the investigation have renamed the incident from Bridgegate to Chingate. There are links that go pretty far up, and possibly including Jay Leno’s chin.
Rachel Maddow was not quoted as saying, “it may be time to give the chin up.”
Needledickville, SD (GUR) What does April Fool’s day have in common with the Mayan Calendar that ended last year? Both are predicted to have dire consequences.
Every year, around March 30th or so, millions of Americans flock to the grocery store to pick up eggs, saran wrap and other various items in an attempt to prank someone they care about mildly for April Fool’s Day.
April Fool’s Day was started in 1883 in a small town in Arkansas. Rusty J. Trombone thought it would be funny to play a little joke on his brother and sister-in-law on their anniversary, which was April 1st. Rusty had told his brother, Jeffy, that Jeffy’s wife was waiting in the darkened barn for Jeffy to make love to her. After the session of coitus, Rusty revealed that it hadn’t been Jeffy’s wife, but Jeffy’s daughter Tessy who Jeffy had slept with.
Not one for jokes Jeffy “opened a can of whoop ass”(the first recorded instance of this phrase) on his brother Rusty and proceeded to beat him within an inch of his life. Right before Rusty passed out he was heard to mutter through a bloody, broken tooth smile “April Fools,” before the darkness overtook him.
Rusty J. Trombone After the Can of Whoop Ass
Jeffy laughed for two days straight, and every year the Trombone brothers started playing pranks on one another. An unintended side effect of April Fools was rampant incest through the deep south as everyone thought it was okay now.
“April Fool’s Day was never supposed to catch on. It’s just not that funny,” stated Dr. Oliver Pindlestaff Esquire, president of the Foundation for Fictitious Holidays in Scranton, PA. “We didn’t even want to continue that stupid day; it was just handed down from the previous administration. If I had the power, I would cancel it altogether.” Dr. Pindlestaff may get his wish.
Conner Tucker Jameson Carlton Smithness the third, known to his friends as Aiden, is releasing a document tomorrow listing the reasons for a worldwide ban on April Fool’s day. Most notably: “The Theory of Ocular Reversal.”
“In a nut shell, Ocular Reversal is a phenomenon that will affect the Earth’s rotation,” says Aiden. “If enough cheesy jokes are played on millions of individuals, the results could be catastrophic. A cheesy joke will make a person roll their eyes in disgust at the stupidity laid out before them.” Aiden says that enough of this eye rolling happening all at once could start off a chain reaction that could actually reverse Earth’s rotation. “Google alone could start this whole reaction off with whatever nonsense they decide to run on their home page. We can only hope the public will listen.
We got an early copy of this report to Dr. Pindlestaff who only responded with “Thank Fucking Christ.”
Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Chuch, beacon of empathy, and originator of the phrase “God hates fags,” is now making protest signs in hell.
Phelps, whose message of a homophobic God, spread his word by protesting the funerals of gays, dead soldiers, and the guitarist from Slayer. Phelps also protested the funeral of Segway company owner Jim Heselden but no one complained as the Segway is an invention that makes Richard Simmons look straight by comparison.
In 1942, Phelps realized he was attracted to lady-boys and pursued a life style of being a glory hole attendant at a Stucky’s in West Arkansas. Not having been adequately tipped for his services, Phelps flew into a frenzy of hatred against the very people he had blown.
Fred Phelps actions are so abhorrent, that aethists point to Phelps as proof that God doesn’t exist.
He asked for his remains to be used in one final protest poster. Unfortunately, God does exist and is reincarnating him as a gay sperm with full knowledge of who he used to be.