Scenes from a Craigslist Ad: Trying to Find a Younger Guy for My Mature Mom

In this new series, we create dramatic scenes inspired by Craigslist ads, like this one: 

Snip20140505_1

A mother in her late 60s and her grown son are finishing up their meal at an upscale restaurant for a Mother’s Day celebration.

Linda: This day has been such a treat. You sent me flowers, we went on a stroll through the botanical garden and now we’re eating some of the best pasta I’ve ever had in my life. You really went all out. Thank you, and I can’t tell you how much I needed a day like this.

Marcus: [reaching across the table to take his mother’s hand] I know you’ve been really stressed out, and I wanted to show how special you are to me.

Actually, I have one more surprise.

Linda: Oh my Lord, you are too much! How lucky am I to have such a sweet son!

Marcus: It’s nothing, really. Close your eyes.

Linda gleefully closes her eyes. Marcus lets go of his mother’s hands, gets out of his seat and motions to an attractive young man sitting at the bar to join them, which he does.

Marcus: You can open your eyes now.

Linda opens her eyes and notices the new person sitting at their table.

Linda: [Trying to hide confusion under a mask of excitement] Well, um, hello.

Who are you?

Marcus: Mama, this is Kyle. He’s 28 years old, he’s an accountant who plays guitar on the weekends and he has a ferocious sexual appetite.

Kyle reaches out for Linda’s hand, which he kisses.

Kyle: So nice to meet you, Linda. May I call you Linda or would you prefer Mrs. Masterson?

Linda: [Flattered but still visibly perplexed] Nice to meet you, Kyle. Linda’s fine. How do you boys know each other?

Marcus: Well, we just met recently through a Craigslist ad, an ad I placed for you.

Linda: For me?

Marcus: Yes, I thought you might like to meet someone who can bring some excitement into your life and can also reawaken you sexually.

Linda: [Shocked] But I’m married…to your father!

Marcus: Yeah, but is Dad really taking care of your needs?

Kyle: [Lasciviously] I’d love to take care of your needs.

Linda:I’ve never been more disgusted in my life!

Kyle: I’d love to make you even more disgusted.

Linda: I’m leaving…to go home to your father, my husband of 40 years.

Linda angrily storms out of the restaurant.

Marcus: Maybe I should have gone with the tennis bracelet instead.

Have a Craigslist post you want to submit to Scenes from a Craigslist Ad? Please contact us.

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A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: The Championship

Well, we’ve arrived at the time we’ve all been waiting for…The Game of Thrones season 4 premiere! Also, the March Descent Into Madness championship took place last night. And it did not disappoint, unless you were hoping for everyone in attendance to keep their limbs. In that case, it did disappoint, and kinda a lot.

This year’s Final Four was a special one. Instead of the usual four top contenders, this year, officials allowed in two previously defeated contestants, Sexual Jealousy of Clouds and Wearing Candy as a Warning to Other Candy. Both teams could appear at any time, for an unspecified amount of time, and could potentially win the championship. And as you would expect, shit got super real, folks.

The first game in the series, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors faced off against Revenge Pooping. Things were locked in a dead heat until the fourth trimester when Sexual Jealousy of Clouds suddenly appeared, radiating an unrelenting resentment toward those fluffy sky harlots. Both teams fought hard against their now shared opponent, but there could only be one victor, and it was Revenge Pooping with a mad squat to end all mad squats in the last 20 seconds of the game.

Next, Hissing at Those Who Displease You went head to head with Never Blinking in an incredible back-and-forth match for the ages. But a quick appearance from Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy proved distracting, allowing the resurrected contender to steal the lead from both teams and ultimately win the game. Fans celebrated by brandishing their candy necklaces threateningly, leaving hundreds wounded.

Finally, we came to the big championship game between Revenge Pooping and Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy. Tensions were high as both teams took center stage. Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy started sweet and playful but menacing, but it was no match for Revenge Pooping’s spectacular shits of fury. Even an abrupt appearance from Sexual Jealousy of Clouds could not slow down this veritable shitshow. Revenge Pooping won 900 to Frowning Sun, making them the 2014 March Descent Into Madness champions.

Revenge Pooping has a rich March Descent Into Madness history. In the 1980s, coach Anger Scatsmith took Revenge Pooping from a ragtag team to the full-blown powerhouse that it is today. Considered a genius by same and tyrant by others, Scatsmith drew fire for his controversial coaching methods. During training season, Scatsmith was rumored to make players to take anger dumps from sun up to sun down, causing some players to pass out mid-squeeze. Regardless of where you stand, it’s hard to disagree that all that hard work has not paid off for these now six-time champions.

Thanks to all the supportive fans, all of you who hissed until they were hoarse to show support for Hissing at Those Who Displease You; all of you who decorated their homes and bodies in anger feces for Revenge Pooping; all who started a fire for Constantly Starting Fires (and also because they wanted to see its cleansing flames flicker in the moonlight). See you next year, but until then, see in your nightmares!

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: Final Four

After many harrowing matches, millions of brackets destroyed and the occasional torrential rains of fire, March Descent Into Madness is now down to the final four: Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors, Hissing at Those Who Displease You, Revenge Pooping and Never Blinking.

These teams have edged their ways to their top, battling foe after foe. Revenge Pooping beat out the terrifying but also oddly soothing Everything is Tentacles Now?. Hissing at Those Who Displease You stomped out Belief that Air Bud Is a Documentary, leaving their opponents shaking their fists at the sky and muttering about how “Air Bud: Golden Receiver” is “the real truth.” Never Blinking ultimately won out over Not Wearing Sunscreen Because It Makes You Invisible to God, but you’d be hard-pressed to find anyone in attendance that would say it wasn’t a good game with two well-matched players, even if you brandished a knife and demanded to hear otherwise. One of the most controversial matches, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes, ended with a surprise move in which Harrison Ford, star of “Indiana Jones” and “Regarding Henry,” laughed maniacally into a cracked mirror while holding a pair of presumably stolen red pumps. Game officials had a tough call to make, but ultimately sided with Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors, a decision that will not doubt live in infamy for many disappointed fans for years to come.

This year, we’re changing up the competition to include two wild cards. These teams may appear in any match (as well as in your dreams. Sorry about that in advance) at any time without warning or regard for human life. Our two wild card teams are Wearing Candy Necklaces as Warning to Other Candy and Sexual Jealousy of Clouds. Of course, this means that one of these resurrected teams can potentially win the championship on April 7.

Which March Descent Into Madness team are you rooting for to go all the way? Cheer on your favorite by displaying one of these cover photos on Facebook:

A Facebook cover photo for Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors

Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors

A Facebook cover photo for Never Blinking

Never Blinking

A Facebook cover photo for Revenge Pooping

Revenging Pooping

A Facebook cover photo for Hissing at Those Who Displease You

Hissing at Those Who Displease You

A Facebook cover photo for Sexual Jealousy of Clouds

Sexual Jealousy of Clouds

Facebook Cover Photo for Wearing a Candy Necklace as Warning to Other Candy

Wearing a Candy Necklace as Warning to Other Candy

 

Related Articles:

March Descent Into Madness Bracket

March Descent Into Madness: Round 1

March Descent Into Madness: Round 2

March Descent Into Madness: Sweet 16

March Descent Into Madness: Charlie’s Picks

March Descent Into Madness: Tesla’s Top Teams

March Descent Into Madness: Insanity Fans Agonize Over Brackets

 

 

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: Sweet 16

As Abraham Lincoln once said, “My stovepipe hat brought me to life, and now it is ruling this divided nation. And this makes me incredibly horny. Drink Pepsi.” That very famous quote sums up exactly what we’re dealing with as we sink further into this swirling hellmouth called March Descent Into Madness.

Kicking off the Sweet 16 was a bloody, sexually charged match-up between Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Constantly Wearing a Wedding Dress. Remaining neck and neck (literally) into the last minute, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors pulled a last-minute win with 30 minutes of pelvic thrusts at the free throw line. Next, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors will face the venerable Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes, who walloped Cry-Singing in a game scored 87 to Lizards.

Another game that left fans breathless was Certainty that You’re the Yellow King vs. Hissing at Those You Displease You. After hours of heated back and forth, including a rap battle and competitive sexually suggestive face painting, Hissing at Those Who Displease You triumphed and will advance to fight Belief that Air Bud is a Documentary.

One of the Sweet 16’s biggest surprises was in the match between Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard and Everything Is Tentacles Now?. Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard started out the game with a considerable 90,000-point lead at the half and Everything Is Tentacles Now? edged its way back to overtake the lead, leaving its opponent in the fetal position, where it will remain until the end of time. Next up, Everything Is Tentacles Now? will battle it out with top contender Revenge Pooping. Keep your eyes glued to Grown Up Recess for updates on the following Elite 8 match-ups:

  • Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes
  • Everything is Tentacles Now? vs. Revenge Pooping
  • Belief that Air Bud is a Documentary vs. Hissing at Those Who Displease You
  • Not Wearing Sunscreen Because Invisible to God vs. Never Blinking

March Descent Into Madness Sweet 16

Stay tuned and stay gold!

Related Articles:

March Descent Into Madness Bracket

March Descent Into Madness: Round 1

March Descent Into Madness: Round 2

March Descent Into Madness: Charlie’s Picks

March Descent Into Madness: Tesla’s Top Teams

March Descent Into Madness: Insanity Fans Agonize Over Brackets

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: Round 2

Round 1 of March Descent Into Madness resulted in many surprises and upsets, and Round 2 was no less amazing as we’ve seen titans fall, brackets destroyed and locusts swarm in the formation of Tony Danza’s face.

One of the biggest bombshells of the competition thus far was Sexual Jealousy of Clouds’ stunning loss to Picturing Everyone You Meet Lying in a Coffin. Considered by many to be a dark horse in this competition, Picturing Everyone You Meet Lying in a Coffin has proven to be quite the fighter with its powerful visions of acquaintances and loved ones alike positioned stiffly in coffins. In another shocker, Quitting Your Job Because Demons in the Copy Machine lost to Not Wearing Sunscreen Because Invisible to God when it was determined that the copy machine demons were just colored ink cartridges. Hissing at Those Who Displease You, Revenge Pooping and Everything is Tentacles Now? all advanced to the next level.

Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors had a tough matchup with Aggressive Nudity. Spilling over into triple overtime, both teams pulled out all the stops in order to win. Aggressive Nudity started doing squat thrusts while maintaining eye contact, but it wasn’t enough to compete with Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors putting on clown makeup. Let’s see if Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors will be able to triumph over longtime rival Constantly Wearing a Wedding Dress.

Next up for the competition is the Sweet 16, which will start tomorrow. Here are the matchups:

  •       Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Constantly Wearing a Wedding Dress
  •       Paranoia Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes vs. Cry-Singing
  •       Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard vs. Everything Is Tentacles Now?
  •       Revenge Pooping vs. Confusing Numbers With Ways to Kill
  •       Belief that Air Bud Is a Documentary vs. Picturing Everyone You Meet Lying in a Coffin
  •       Certainty that You’re the Yellow King vs. Hissing at Those Who Displease You
  •       Believing Green M&Ms are Harbingers of Doom vs. Not Wearing Sunscreen Because Invisible to God
  •       Wearing Hats to “Ward off Hair Goblins” vs. Never Blinking

March Descent Into Madness Round 2

 

 

 

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness: Round 1

It was only the first round of March Descent Into Madness, and we’ve already seen upsets, triumphs, bloodshed, the opening of portals into alternative universes and “Family Feud” host Steve Harvey and more bloodshed.

Many perennial favorites such as Revenge Pooping, Everything Is Tentacles Now? and Not Wearing Sunscreen Because It Makes You Invisible to God lived to see another day. One of the major surprises of the night happened when Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors beat top seed Constantly Setting Fires, a bracket killer for millions of fans. Laughing maniacally into cracked mirrors will have quite the tough opponent in Aggressive Nudity when they face off later tonight. Another shocker came in the form of dark horse Never Blinking shutting out Sleeping In a Dumpster with a winning score of 95 to Screaming. Never Blinking will go on to face University of Kentucky in the next round.

One of the toughest matchups, Belief You Can Control Ocean Tides If You Want vs. Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets, lasted into triple overtime, where Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets eked out a small victory with a last minute free throw (By free throw, we of course mean getting drunk and telling everyone about how much you spent on candy in the last month.)

As intense as things were in Round 1, we expect things to really heat up in Round 2, which starts tonight with these matchups:

  • Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Aggressive Nudity
  • Stealing Dogs vs. Constantly Wearing a Wedding Dress
  • Delusions of Grand Funk Railroad vs. Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes
  • Watering Plants with the Tears of Others vs. Cry-Singing
  • Aggressive Dog Petting vs. Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard
  • Hallucinations of Animals Telling You About Safety vs. Everything is Tentacles Now?
  • Revenge Pooping vs. Writing Ransom Letters as a Fun Hobby
  • Confusing Numbers With Ways to Kill vs. Wearing Candy Necklaces as Warning to Other Candy
  • Amateur Denistry vs. Belief That Air Bud is a Documentary
  • Picturing Everyone You Meet Lying in a Coffin vs. Sexual Jealousy of Clouds
  • Certainty That You’re the Yellow King vs. Heightened Sensitivity to Stop Signs
  • Fear that Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets vs. Hissing at Those Who Displease You
  • 3 a.m.  Haircuts to Stop the Burning vs. Believing Green M&Ms are Harbingers of Doom
  • Quitting Your Job Because of Demons in the Copy Machine vs. Not Wearing Sunscreen Because It Makes You Invisible to God
  • Experimenting Medically With Leeches vs. Wearing Hats to Ward Off Hair Goblins
  • Never Blinking vs. University of Kentucky

March Descent Into Madness Round 1 Results

Related Articles:

March Descent Into Madness Bracket

March Descent Into Madness: Charlie’s Picks

March Descent Into Madness: Tesla’s Top Teams

March Descent Into Madness: Insanity Fans Agonize Over Brackets

March Descent Into Madness: Insanity Fans Agonize Over Brackets

A dip into madness, set only in March.

As you would expect, millions of insanity fans everywhere are rushing to complete their March Descent into Madness brackets before tonight’s deadline. With a bracket full of heated match-ups (Hissing at those who displease you vs. Not casting a shadow and Sleep-fighting vs. Constantly wearing a wedding dress, anyone?), making predictions can be agonizing for many a spectator. However, some fans we spoke to were willing to share some insight about whom they forecast will triumph and who will go home empty-handed.

For insanity fan Eric Mantooth of South Bend, Ind., there’s no question in his mind who will be victorious in this year’s competition. “Totally Sexual feelings toward mustard all the way. No doubt in my mind.  They’ve been incredible strong all season, and they’re hungry to win. “Plus,” Mantooth added while blushing, “Whole grain Dijon mustard makes me so incredibly hot. You don’t even know, bro.”

However, Savannah Furrey of Yakima, Wash., thinks the contest is not so clear-cut. “Well, I picked Confusing numbers with ways to kill to win it all, but, honestly, I think it will be bloodbath between Paranoia that Harrison Ford will steal your shoes, Paranoia that Harrison Ford won’t steal your shoes and Considering car wrecks a turn-on. Also, I’m still stunned that Bloodbath isn’t in the running this year, but I guess they’ve really been plagued by injuries, mostly from the actual bloodbath.”

Ratcheting up the drama for the competition, actor and madman Randy Quaid has offered to give one billion ferrets both real and imagined to anyone with a perfect bracket. This coveted prize has caused many fans like Paul Dancemother of Ada, Okla., to put considerably more thought into their brackets as usual.

“Usually, I just fill out a bracket just for fun for the old office poll, but this year, I seriously considered each and every seed,” said Dancemother. “Normally, I would have just gone with my old favorites, Collecting dollheads so Oprah will live forever, Believing green M&Ms are harbingers of doom and aggressive dog petting. But with my more careful calculations, I concluded that Constantly setting fires has both an incredibly strong defense and offense. I know that chances are slim to none, but I’m confident I’ve given it my best shot. I really want those ferrets.”

Of course, only time will tell who will ultimately take home the big prize at this year’s March Descent Into Madness, which starts this evening on the moon. Stay tuned to Grown Up Recess for updates and upsets.

Related Articles: 

March Descent Into Madness Bracket

March Descent Into Madness: Charlie’s Picks

March Descent Into Madness: Tesla’s Picks

March Descent Into Madness

It’s that time of year again! As you may very well remember, March is the time to enter Grown Up Recess’ annual March Descent Into Madness, a competition to determine this year’s most celebrated insane act. Which crazy behavior will take home the ultimate prize on April 7? Only time will tell. Without any further adieu, here are our selections for the 2014 March Descent Into Madness. Get your brackets ready! (Click on bracket for larger image)

A dip into madness, set only in March.

March Descent Into Madness Bracket

Competing for a prized spot in this tournament are:

  • Constantly setting fires
  • Laughing maniacally into cracked mirrors
  • Aggressive nudity
  • Wearing capes
  • Stealing dogs
  • 9/11 conspiracy theories seem plausible
  • Applying BenGay just to feel again
  • Delusions of Grand Funk Railroad
  • Paranoia that Harrison Ford will steal your shoes
  • Paranoia that Harrison Ford won’t steal your shoes
  • Sleep fighting
  • Watering plants with your own tears
  • Watering plants with the tears of others
  • Genuine enthusiasm for any networking event
  • Cry-singing
  • Belief that you can control bats
  • Aggressive dog petting
  • Sudden belief you are in space
  • Sexual feelings toward mustard
  • Visions of Tom Selleck without his mustache
  • Hallucinations of animals telling you about safety
  • Won’t put knife down
  • Everything is tentacles now?
  • Revenge pooping
  • Collecting dollheads so Oprah will live forever
  • Wearing, like, way too many vests
  • Writing ransom letters as a fun hobby
  • Reckless attitude toward cardigans
  • Confusing numbers with ways to kill
  • Believing in yourself
  • Wearing a candy necklace to warn other candy
  • Amateur dentistry
  • Knowing the true meaning of Christmas
  • Considering car wrecks turn-ons
  • Belief that Air Bud is a documentary
  • Littering
  • Constantly picturing everyone you meet lying in a coffin
  • Sexual jealousy of cats
  • Sexual jealousy of clouds
  • Confidence that you “truly know the lasers”
  • Certainty that you’re the Yellow King
  • Fear of short shorts
  • Heightened sensitivity to STOP signs
  • Belief that you can control ocean tides if you want
  • Fear that carrots will reveal your secrets
  • Hissing at those who displease you
  • Not casting a shadow
  • Believing you are powered only by moonlight
  • 3 am self haircuts to end the burning
  • Using a stain stick to remove bad memories
  • Believing green M&Ms are harbingers of doom
  • Owning a bird
  • Quitting your job because demons in copy machine
  • Not wearing sunscreen because invisible to God
  • Ironing until the screams stop
  • Hallucinating the Easter Bunny
  • Experimenting medically with leeches
  • Wearing hats to “ward off hair goblins”
  • Getting really into astrology
  • Sleeping in a dumpster
  • Never blinking
  • Avoiding the number 7 at all costs
  • University of Kentucky

Want to get into the action? Submit your completed brackets by March 20 by standing on your porch and yelling “March Descent into Madness” at no one or nothing  in particular.

Check Out Charlie’s Picks     –     Check Out Tesla’s Top Teams

Scenes from a Craigslist Ad: “Attractive” Female Roommate Wanted

We at Grown Up Recess are starting a new segment called Scenes from a Craigslist Ad, where we create dramatic scenes inspired by Craigslist ads.

[Author’s Note: I found this posting by searching “attractive” in the Rooms & Shares section of Craigslist. I highly suggest trying this sometime if you are looking for a cheap place to live and/or a bleak portrait of humanity. Please click ad below for a larger image/greater insight into the mind of a sex-starved sociopath:]

Snip20140310_4A young man and woman sit at a small dining table in an apartment eating dinner in bored silence.

Mark: [sighs]

Abby: What’s wrong, sweetie?

Mark: Oh, I don’t know.

Abby: No, tell me. What’s wrong?

Mark: [hesitantly] I just feel like this apartment needs…something.

Abby: Like what? I just saw some adorable lamps at IKEA the other day.

Mark: No, it just feels so…empty.

Abby: I told you we should have gone with the bigger couch….

Mark: No, I mean, emotionally.

Abby: [surprised] Oh.

Mark: I think it needs someone else.

Abby: [excitedly] Like a baby?! Oh Mark, you can’t believe how long I’ve been waiting to become a mom…

Mark: [firmly] No. [slightly softer] I meant more like a roommate.

Abby: Or maybe a like another pet?

Mark: Sure…like another pet.

Abby: [excitedly] Jessica from work is looking for homes for her dog’s puppies. They’re so cute, especially this little brown and white male…

Mark: What about a female? Are you into females?

Abby: Yeah, I’m into females.

Mark: Would you say that you’re very into both male and females? Would you say that you’re very bi?

Abby: Um, sure, I guess. Why?

Mark: Oh, no reason.

Have a Craigslist post you want to submit to Scenes from a Craigslist Ad? Please contact us.

5 Fun Facts: Scarlett Johansson’s Unborn Baby

Scarlett Johansson Baby Bump

Earlier this week, Scarlett Johansson announced she is expecting her first child with her fiancé, French journalist Romain Dauriac. Here are a few things you might not know about her unborn child, henceforth known as ScarJunior:

  • Possible names include Take That, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively and, of course, Olivia.

  • Set to star in Woody Allen’s next feature film. On that note, Baby Johansson feels uneasy about the child abuse allegations against Woody Allen, but without hard evidence, does not feel compelled to condemn.

  • Named “Hottest Fetus” by Maxim Magazine

  • Already developing what the medical community calls “a sweet rack”

  • Thinks “Lost in Translation” was overrated.