Local Comedy Scene Eats Self

Silent F... A-R-T

Anonymous Comic, and definitely not Xchel Hernandez.

By Clamuel Semens

Phoenix, AZ –¬† Another tragic loss has ripped apart the local comedy scene. The much beloved Comedian “Funny Man” Derrick Slays, was the victim of a violent struggle that cost him his life. Walking home from McSilverman’s, a local open mic hot spot, he was accosted by an unknown assailant. Witnesses say that at approximately 11:30pm on Friday night, Derrick was spotted heading North away from the bar. He had been reviewing his setlist and muttering about “not getting laughs” and needing to “punch up that tag.”

It is not known what provoked the attack but Tempe police found his body in the Fry’s parking lot at the corner of Southern and Mill Avenue. The coroner was able to determine that ligature marks on his neck were consistent with strangulation by rubber chicken.

There is some speculation that the attack may have been carried out by a rival comic Comedian Comedian “Funny Guy” Bret Comedian. The two had argued in the past over their similar online dating jokes and it was well known that there was bad blood. We talked with another local comic that wishes to remain anonymous, but also wanted his Twitter handle @cranberryfaggotsauce published. “Those two guys hated each other. I was at an open mic one time when Bret was hosting and when he introduced Derrick he didn’t say that he could be seen all over the valley. That’s pretty low, because it’s like, how will audience members know if we perform all over the valley otherwise?”

Comedian on comedian acts of violence are becoming all too common. In an effort to bring peace to the community, one comic has stepped forward. DJ Comedian Jerry Comic is producing a once a month show in Sierra Vista, affectionately called, “The Airing of Grievances Show.” Here local comics are welcome to voice their opinions about one another in a public forum so they don’t have to do it on Facebook later on that night.

“The first show went fantastic”, said Jerry. “We had 30 comics each doing 15 minutes of grievances. Next week I’m thinking about doing a contest and charging a two drink minimum. If the comics bring 10 friends they will get to do 20 minutes of grievances. Whoever has the best grievance that night will win the contest and get a Dairy Queen punch card that already has 9 punches, on the 10th punch you get a free Dilly Bar.”

Audiences are responding too. We had a chance to sit down with David Watkins, a drifter and local celebrity, “what a fantastic show! I’ve seen all of them perform before, what with me being unemployed since December, and I have to say this has been way more entertaining than watching their sets.”

If you have any information leading to an arrest please call our Silent Witness line at 1-800-HOT-TITS.

Samuel Clemens is a writer and highly regarded member of the Phoenx Jew Times staff. He is the best smelling individual you will ever meet in person. Follow him on Twitter @cockfaggotjellymittens

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New DLC Announced for Next Gen Assassin’s Creed: Unity

Cover art to Assassin's Creed: Unity's DLC

Assassin’s Creed: Free Love Cover Art

By Clamuel Semens March 29th, 2014Ubisoft has just announced the first in a series of downloadable content (DLC) that will be available at the end of this year with the release of Assassin’s Creed: Unity. Players will soon be able to take on the role of Desmond Mile’s uncle from New Jersey. In the DLC titled, Assassin’s Creed: Free Love, you take on the role of Vincent “Vinny Baby Hands” Miles. We were shown exclusive footage from the game. In the beginning, a mysterious figure walks into Vincent’s deli and hands him an old parchment. On the parchment, the name “Jimi Hendrix” is written in blood. As the story unfolds it is revealed that Jimi Hendrix is with the Knights Templar. It is tasked to Vinny by the Assassin’s guild to recover an artifact in Hendrix’s possession. In order to do this, Vinny must travel to Woodstock. A strange detour from other Assassin’s Creed games, there are no places to reach high ground to view your assassination targets. Mostly you are just wading through tents and swaths of dirty hippies that are trying to “freak you out.” In the first mission we allowed to play, the target was Rainbow Galaxy. He is a low level drug dealer with connections to The Knights Templar and Hendrix. Rainbow Galaxy is carrying a bag of brown acid you must poison to help give you the advantage over your surroundings. It is hard to track his movements because he just wanders around randomly while banging a tambourine. I found this mission to be really easy as all I had to do was wait till he stumbled and fell over. I’m not sure if this is a bug in the game or if this character is just so “wasted” he has trouble standing. Either way, I crouched over him and jammed my Hidden Blade into his neck. Usually, this would initiate a cut scene that would shed new light on the storyline for the player. This time however the assassinated target just said, “Hey wow man, totally not cool. You’re a real square man.” Then he died. Before I had completed this mission the hippies seemed alarmed that I was walking through the crowd wearing assassin robes and carrying two large swords. Once the poison brown acid had been¬†disseminated amongst them they barely took notice of me; one step closer to killing Jimi Hendrix. I will continue to follow the progress of this DLC as more details emerge but for now we are only left to guess at what is in the “Purple Haze.”