The first few weeks of April has been marked by the tragic passing of several very, very famous people who were heretofore previously unknown by all mankind.
“I can’t believe he’s really gone!,” exclaimed Holly Whitman, assistant office manager from Bakersfield, CA. “Mickey Rooney was an amazing performer who will be sorely missed.” When asked about her favorite Rooney performance, Ms. Whitman replied, “That’s a tough one. They’re all so good. Wasn’t he in that one with the pig?”
Just one day prior to the passing of Mickey Rooney, marked the untimely demise of veteran funnyman, John Pinette. Many people, previously ignorant to Pinette’s very large body of work, expressed the most solemn grief they could muster on short notice; with some even spending five whole minutes scanning the comic’s Wikipedia page. “I didn’t know that he was in the final episode of Seinfeld,” said James Shinkman, toll-booth operator from Queens, NY. “Now that I know that, I’m really broken up by it all.”
But no death this month has made hypocrite phonies out of more people than the particularly early death of absolute unknown, Peaches Geldof. A poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, has shown that 100% of all people who’ve said, “such a shame about Peaches Geldof,” or similar platitudes had never, ever heard of her prior to the poll question.
“That young woman really reflected the Zeitgeist of post-internet America,” said Jane Stanley, 4th grade teacher from Austin, TX. “I mean, I’m not really sure what she did or who she was or what ‘Zeitgeist’ means, but she’ll be terribly missed.”