Celebrities Known By Few In Life, Honored By Many In Death

The first few weeks of April has been marked by the tragic passing of several very, very famous people who were heretofore previously unknown by all mankind.

Co-workers solemnly discussing yet another celebrity death

Co-workers solemnly discussing yet another celebrity death

“I can’t believe he’s really gone!,” exclaimed Holly Whitman, assistant office manager from Bakersfield, CA. “Mickey Rooney was an amazing performer who will be sorely missed.” When asked about her favorite Rooney performance, Ms. Whitman replied, “That’s a tough one. They’re all so good. Wasn’t he in that one with the pig?”

"He was so great playing that guy in that thing!"

“He was so great playing that guy in that thing!”

Just one day prior to the passing of Mickey Rooney, marked the untimely demise of veteran funnyman, John Pinette. Many people, previously ignorant to Pinette’s very large body of work, expressed the most solemn grief they could muster on short notice; with some even spending five whole minutes scanning the comic’s Wikipedia page. “I didn’t know that he was in the final episode of Seinfeld,” said James Shinkman, toll-booth operator from Queens, NY. “Now that I know that, I’m really broken up by it all.”

But no death this month has made hypocrite phonies out of more people than the particularly early death of absolute unknown, Peaches Geldof. A poll, conducted by the Pew Research Center, has shown that 100% of all people who’ve said, “such a shame about Peaches Geldof,” or similar platitudes had never, ever heard of her prior to the poll question.

Peaches Geldof taking her son on an afternoon stroll

Peaches Geldof taking her son on an afternoon stroll

“That young woman really reflected the Zeitgeist of post-internet America,” said Jane Stanley, 4th grade teacher from Austin, TX. “I mean, I’m not really sure what she did or who she was or what ‘Zeitgeist’ means, but she’ll be terribly missed.”

 

 

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Secretary of State John Kerry Addresses Ukraine Crisis By Appearing Very Concerned in Photos

Secretary of State Kerry expressing grave concern

Secretary of State Kerry expressing grave concern

The U.S. has launched a diplomatic push to address the ongoing crisis between Russia and Ukraine. Leading the effort to respond to Russia’s annexation of Crimea and amassing of 50,000 Russian troops along their border with Ukraine, Secretary of State John Kerry has decided to appear appropriately concerned in every photo that has been taken of him since the crisis has escalated.

The strategy seems to be paying off. “I’ve never seen Secretary Kerry express such a chilling combination of stoicism and dismay,” said Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov following a meeting of the two diplomats over the weekend. “Making Mr. Kerry appear much less concerned, perhaps even having him smile goofily, is definitely in Russia’s long-term national security interests.”

Not everyone agrees that this approach will be effective. “You call that concerned!?” exclaimed Sen. John McCain (R-Garden of Eden). “Secretary Kerry is out of his depth,” said McCain, who released his own very concerned photographs. “Look at the photo of me in front of the flag. This is me when I accidentally make a boo-boo in my britches. Imagine how concerned I would look while contemplating the Russian threat. Secretary Kerry should stick to taking ‘selfies’ with Indonesian youths.”

Sen. John McCain (R-Garden of Eden) making a boo-boo

Sen. John McCain (R-Garden of Eden) making a boo-boo

The “selfies” remark is in reference to a photo the Secretary took with a group of students in Jakarta in February, before the Russia-Ukraine crisis begun. “Secretary Kerry is concerned about Sen. McCain’s concern regarding his level of concern,” said Kerry’s Chief of Staff, David Wade. “The two men will be meeting this week to discuss their concerns regarding the proper level of concern which should be expressed going forward during this diplomatic crisis.”

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“I usually only do this with white children.”

When asked for comment on this story, an aide close to Russian President Vladimir Putin said simply, “He’s not that concerned.