Desert Lake Plastics in San Antonio, Texas has recently renovated their corporate home office with their new actual glass ceiling to reflect their traditions of allowing only men to move up in their company’s ranks. The company’s CEO Gavin Perkins stated, “Usually my assistant of ten years, Clair Kees, helps me come up and execute all of my great ideas, but this one, I came up with all on my own.”
Joan Anderson, a 25-year logistics assistant at Desert Lake Plastics said, “I do like the light that comes in. What I don’t like is when they make all us, female employees, wash the glass ceiling every Friday. The men always somehow convince us that we’re way better at cleaning it than they are while they get to go to Dave and Busters.”
Regional Production Planner, Jim Haverkamp states about the new glass ceiling, “Going on the glass roof is perfect for looking down the ladies’ shirts! Did I just say that? Because I meant to say that. Also we, the men, are only allowed on the roof so the women can literally see that we’re above them. Isn’t that great?”
“More glass ceilings are planned to be built in the next year all across the US, we plan to increase sales by 85%,” said Howard Hutchinson, owner of Keep ‘Em Down Glass Ceilings, “I mean, at least that’s what my wife told me, she does all the bookkeeping.”
Follow these 10 easy steps to find your true love at a gay bar!—
Items you will need:
Weave made out of pigeon parts
Bag of beef jerky
Step 1 Go to a gay bar. Step 2 Make sure you gasp loudly at the first guy you see when you walk in and then leave right away. Step 3 Wait 30 minutes in your car, eat the beef jerky and then come back in. Step 4 Find the same guy you gasped at. At this point, he is now in love with you. Step 5 Go to the bathroom and place the pigeon weave on. This will seal the deal with your fella. Step 6 Fill your pockets with bathroom trash. Step 7 Find a crevice or hidden area of the bar and lay down. Step 8 Cover your face with the trash revealing only your eyes. Step 9 Lie perfectly still staring at everyone walking by. Step 10Psst your fella over to you. He will be so flattered by you, that he will ❤ you forever!
Congratulations! You found true love at a gay bar!!!
I live in a rural town in Idaho with my husband and two cats. Lately, my husband has been going out for very long drives into the city while wearing his clean underwear— And when he comes back, he smells like lady parts that aren’t mine! I think that he’s cheating on me! Should I confront him?
– Unhappy in Idaho.
You should DEFINITELY leave your husband FOR A WOMAN. He’s not the ONLY one who should be allowed to smell like sweet, sweet lady parts. You gotta FIND that lady he’s been slamming his grotty balls on and RIDE HER OUT GOOD! Also, stop cleaning his underwear so he can’t get any.
Dear LesbiAnn Landers,
I know I’m a LeZbIaN but I’m only 13 and my MoM won’t let me date any girls even though I’m SO READY TO DO THIS!!!! I think she’s just jeaLEZ because she KNOWZ I’m going to grow up to be like, THE HOTTEST LEZZIE EVER. Like, Tegan N Sara HOT!!!! I REEAALLY want to run away from this LAME-ASS HOME and go live in PoRtLaNd with my friend Snaggletooth! Should I go?
– 13 Going On 30 Ladies.
Do it! Your mom’s a fucking labia Nazi. Say hi to Snaggletooth for me.
Dear LesbiAnn Landers,
I’m a 28-year-old man and I’ve been living in NYC for about a year now. Lately I’ve been dating a lot of women and it seems like they just don’t stick around. I’ve been noticing a pattern though, it’s usually right after I perform oral sex on these women when they decide to leave me. Are there any cunnilingus tips you can give me or are these women just being superficial?
– Single in NYC.
What you do is, FIRST— get a SEX CHANGE and become a woman. Once you got a twat, you learn how to use it and what works and doesn’t. Learning from your own downstairs is always better! After you figure it out on yourself, you’ll have no problem going to town on those hot NYC ladies!.
1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.
2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.
3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!
4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.
5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.
New evidence has surfaced as authorities investigate North Carolina Democratic congressional candidate Keith Crisco’s sudden death linking his rival Clay Aiken to the night of the murder.
It is reported that a can of hairspray was used moments after Crisco collapsed in his home and his wife Jane Crisco’s eyeliner was tampered with in the bathroom.
The former American Idol contestant was declared victor in the North Carolina Democratic congressional primary, with 40% of the vote, just this morning.
This is of course, not the first time Aiken has been under the murder spotlight, in 2003 the night before the American Idol finale, it was reported that an unknown man attacked Ruben Studdard with a lamp in his hotel room leaving him unconscious. Studdard was able to compete the next day and win the competition despite the attack, leaving Aiken in second place.
The night of Studdard’s attack, Studdard claims that while struggling to stay conscious, he remembers seeing a man peeing while sitting down before he fled. Studdard recollects the attacker sticking his finger in Studdard’s rear-end and then licking it, but that it also could have been a dream.
Early this morning Wal-Mart shoppers in Hopskinville, Kentucky were able to purchase and make their own boxed wine at home using a new powdered alcohol, “Palcohol” in a “Franzia At Home” powdered wine-making kit.
The Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB) approved “Palcohol,” on Monday as an error due to a labeling discrepancy. Although the TTB retracted their decision today for the approval, Palcohol Inc. jumped on its unit’s green light and shipped test products to a Wal-Mart in Hopkinsville, Kentucky in a product partnership with the Franzia boxed wine company.
Beverly Fierstein, a local soccer grandma who bought “Franzia at Home” said, “It was easy, I just poured the powder into an empty bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red and filled it from the tap. The color is the same so no one at my grandbaby’s game this afternoon knew any better. No one except my ex-husband who just stared at me from the other side of the field. He’s always staring at me!”
Edgar Reynolds, a neighborhood priest who also purchased the wine said, “Now I know how Jesus did it.”
Community college student, Margaret James, commented on the wine, “I have a lot of extra saliva so I just poured the powder into my mouth and I was good to go.”
In a twist today, NJ State Prosecutor John Wisniewski— investigating the Bridgegate scandal against NJ Governor Chris Christie, missed today’s trial due to closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge. It is currently unknown as to whether Christie was involved in the traffic jam or if the two other main figures involved in the bridge scandal prior to this one, Bridget Anne Kelly, Christie’s former deputy chief of staff, and Bill Stepien, Christie’s former two-time campaign manager, were also involved.
“It’s like a Bridgegate scandal inception!” commented NJ state councilwoman, Samantha Groves. The scandal has been reportedly named, “The Bridgegate, Bridgegate Scandal.”
Governor Christie stated in a press release this afternoon, “I don’t know how the second Bridgegate happened! I was at a Chipotle the whole time! I don’t even have to go to those trials— the only thing that’s making me sweat are the three barbacoa burritos I ate earlier today.”
North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has stated a new decree that all men are to wear fake double chins so that they better resemble their supreme leader.
“Our leader’s double chin is a symbol of our nation, if you will,” one source tells Radio Free Asia. “It doesn’t look good on everyone because we all have different face, head and body shapes. Of course it looks best on our leader because he has the extraordinary moobs to match the multiple chins. I’m confident that he’ll mandate fake moobs for all so we can complete the look.”
A North Korean now living in China who goes by the name of “miK” added, “The fake double chins began in 2011 when the Kim Jong-un would ask us [civilians] to bow while holding a chicken breast against our chin to honor him.” According to miK, “Afterward we fed the chicken to his chins as a sign of our loyalty.”
Early this morning a 4.4 magnitude earthquake rattled Southern Californian at 6:25 a.m. literally causing hundreds of Starbucks customers to accidentally drop their coffees. It is currently reported that about 1,940 cups of coffee were spilled and an estimated 800 remain unreported, many in which happened while driving.
At a UCLA Starbucks, student Aaron Hardy, 24, stated, “I dropped my hazelnut macchiato all over a rack of Neko Case CDs and souvenir coffee mugs— I nearly had a panic attack. I cannot believe this happened to me.”
Seismologist Elizabeth Connolly, head of the U.S. Geological Survey, released in a press conference this afternoon that, “… This morning’s earthquake was the most significant shake in Southern California since the 5.5 temblor that hit Chino Hills in 2008, causing nearly 4,500 Starbucks coffee spills.”
In Westwood, yoga-teaching student Christina Maia, 32, was driving out of a Starbucks drive-thru when the tragedy occurred, she commented, “My light vanilla frappuccino was totally ruined. They made it completely wrong. It wasn’t until way after the earthquake was over but still it was probably because of it.”
A paradigm shift in the history of job fairs occurred today in Denver, Colorado as it held its first ever “CannaSearch” job fair, in which rapidly grew into the first ever, “Job Fair/Music Festival.”
Taylor Finnegan, a Caucasian 27-year old attendee with dreadlocks commented, “… [The job fair] quickly escalated into a giant music party, dude! The Reefer Medness weed dispensary booth homies started playing Phish and Dave Matthews and before you knew it everybody was dancing, making out and smoking yo.”
The band Kottonmouth Kings were also in attendance promoting their new “No Mo’ Kottonmouth!” bottled-water line and quickly took the job fair lecture stage along with 15 other local and touring bands in the area.
“We weren’t planning for 15,000 people to show up, it’s amazing! Next year we will definitely encourage the job presenters to print more applications because unfortunately most of them were smoked…” stated Tom Hardy, spokesman for the “CannaSearch” job fair.