Tanning Makes You Dum

A recent study in Scientific American has found a direct correlation between individuals who use tanning beds and illiteracy. This has been a fear in the science community since the invention of the tanning bed in 1979.

Sunless tanning lotions and sprays were introduced to the public in 1993. Many in the health science community hoped that the invention of sunless tanning would replace the need for people to lay in cancer cell-producing pods in hopes of obtaining a golden brown tan. Despite the increasing popularity of sunless tanning, tanning bed advocates or “fake bakers” as they are often referred to as, prefer the smell of burnt skin to the chemical smell of sunless tanner, aka Agent Orange.

“I like tanning. It’s warm and it makes me feel skinnier. You don’t have to live as a white person if you don’t want to, which is why I’m pro-choice,” said Forever 21 employee and avid fake baker, Lezlee Herrold.

Scientists are worried that pale skin will always be the enemy and thus perpetuate the belief that tan is the only way to be.

“Both tanning beds and sunless tanning products are harmful to your skin, but people don’t seem to care. So they continue to chase the bronzed dragon,” said Dr Kathy Mizard, UCLA.

Scientists find tanning beds most troubling because they have proven to be extremely harmful to the brain. “When bulbs in tanning beds shine upon the part of the skull that protects the part of the brain that is responsible for logic, thinking and humanity (cerebrum), it causes humans to lose the ability to make good choices. Therefore, instead of a person buying a book or food for his or her children, they will buy a denim micro-mini and a toe ring,” Dr Mizard explained.

According to last year’s US Census, 92 percent of American households use tanning beds, while only 48 percent vote.

Pernicious Barendorm, SPF advocate and Creator of the somewhat popular blog, I Never Met A Tan Woman Without Syphilis hopes that the public opinion on tanning will soon change.

“I hate that being tan has become the definition of sexy. I wish we could go back in time. There was a wonderful period in history when being tan wasn’t considered sexy or attractive, it just meant you were really poor,” said Barendorm.

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Hey Gurl. Do you no what my chineeze tatooh sez? No I’m totes cereal. What do it sez?

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