There have been many debates over global warming and climate change in the recent past. Everything from a depleting ozone to the cutting down of rainforest has been linked as a contributing factor to climate. However, a new threat is on the horizon.
Kale has become popular among health conscious Americans as a staple food in their diet. Putting kale into one’s body may be healthy, but what leaves the human body is a noxious killing machine.
“The human body benefits greatly from kale. The problem is that the human intestinal tract converts the small amount of waste into a toxin known as ‘ultra-gas’,” says Dr. Sherman Fecalspan, head of the Gastro-intestinal Foundation of America. “The results of this ‘ultra-gas’ or ‘uber-farts’ as they’re known on the streets, can be catastrophic.” In Manahattan alone there have been 7 deaths related to uber-farts in the subway. 5 of those were due to inhalation and 2 of those were from subway occupants beating the ‘farter’ to death.
And that’s only the beginning. Dr. Fecalspan speculates that inside of five years, we could be on the verge of another global catastrophe.
“People don’t realize that Chernobyl had nothing to do with nuclear instability and everything to do with a change in the cafeteria menu. Kale was being served with everyone’s lunch. All those gases built up after a short amount of time, and now no one can live in the area where that power plant was.”
The Gastro-intestinal Foundation was formed in 1986, after the top-secret report implicating kale as the primary reason for the Chernobyl. The Ukraine Government refused to acknowledge any claims by conspiracist theories, but the truth started to leak out like a silent but deadly kale fart.
The truth of the matter came to when Ukraine whistle blowers came out and stated that kale was grown in nuclear power plants. The radioactive material has be known to be helpful, but ultimately damaging to the society around it. The Ukraine Government refused to confess to the matter, since kale is the number one export.
If you see someone eating kale, please stop them. They know not of the dangers they put everyone else in. The phenomenom is called KALENESS(pronounced selfishness) and stems from a person wanting to do good to themselves, but bad to the world around them.
The kale-fart leaks into the atmosphere and causes deterioration, thus proving global warming to be true. True… due to kale farts.