Sean Connery Still Alive, Shocked Sean Connery Reports

Sean Connery at a cemetery press conference.

“Seriously, any day now.”

By Shawn Collins

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND – Scottish actor Sir Sean Connery has reported that he has successfully awakened for the 30546th consecutive day, despite increasing physical weakness and a growing sense of just being done with it all.

“Oh bugger,” said Connery, 83.

Connery, most famous for his role as British secret agent James Bond, claims that he has come to regret what he calls “a misspent youth” full of responsible behavior and free of excessive drug-use or unprotected sex with multiple partners.

“I thought the shcotch would do me in yearsh ago,” said Connery. “I guess it’s just preserving me.”

Dr. Merwyn Frances, Connery’s attending physician, attributes Connery’s longevity to a combination of relatively risk-free behavior and normal advances in medical science.

“We’re not dealing with someone who ruined their health with drugs or STD’s,” said Dr. Frances. “Sure, he did a bit of drinking, but all things considered Sir Connery was a very responsible young man.”

Connery disagrees with his doctor’s analysis.

“Jusht becaushe I didn’t shpend the shixties shooting heroin into my genitalsh doesn’t mean I want to live forever,” said Connery. “I mean, everyone wantsh a good, long life, but thish ish getting ridiculoush.”

Unfortunately for Connery, the end may not be as close as he is hoping.

“In this day and age, it’s not at all unusual for men of Sir Connery’s means to live well into their 90’s,” said Dr. Frances. “With his money, and good old fashioned clean living, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes it past 100.”

Connery was not available for further comment, as he was reportedly sword-fighting Keith Richards because there can be only one.

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