Michael Phelps Retires Retirement

Phelps living his home.

“If I can do it, so can anyone!”

Michael Phelps, 22 time gold medalist in swimming, is coming out of his long retirement. The Olympic swimmers reason: no one is taking any more pictures of him smoking ganja. The lonely swimmer has been smoking all up and down Colorado with no one giving him any attention. “It’s time I get relevant,” stated Phelps. Michael will leave Snow-Glen Retirement Village to start training in New Mexico.

The 29 year old is excited to start training, but coaches are worried his age will slow him down. “It’s going to be chore to get him back into Olympic shape,” claims Bob Bowman. He continued, “With that kind of age, we’re going to have to use steroids.” The steroids will be administered straight into his eyeball for a quicker body consumption.

“I’m just excited to eat,” said the fat child trapped in an Olympic swimmer’s body, Michael Phelps. The 29 year old is ready to get out his eating pants and show this country that anyone with the right genealogy, corporate support, connections, and decent looks, can do anything they damn well please.

Michael Phelps will don a new uniform at the Rio Olympics. His trunks will be embroidered with the number 45 on his butt cheeks. “If Jordan can do it, I can too,” exclaimed an excited Phelps. Michael plans to start training by growing a Hitler mustache just like his hero, Michael Jordan.

Americans are just excited him working. “I’ve been working my whole life,” said local grandpa Marv Gene. “And that ass hat gets to retire at 29? He better get back to work, who’s paying for my social security? Oh, I just booffed.” The 89 year old retired grandpa says that Michael Phelps has inspired him to retire retirement. ” Granpa Marv will be on the Australian Invasion Tour hitting Tropicana in Las Vegas later this month.

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