Well, we’ve arrived at the time we’ve all been waiting for…The Game of Thrones season 4 premiere! Also, the March Descent Into Madness championship took place last night. And it did not disappoint, unless you were hoping for everyone in attendance to keep their limbs. In that case, it did disappoint, and kinda a lot.
This year’s Final Four was a special one. Instead of the usual four top contenders, this year, officials allowed in two previously defeated contestants, Sexual Jealousy of Clouds and Wearing Candy as a Warning to Other Candy. Both teams could appear at any time, for an unspecified amount of time, and could potentially win the championship. And as you would expect, shit got super real, folks.
The first game in the series, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors faced off against Revenge Pooping. Things were locked in a dead heat until the fourth trimester when Sexual Jealousy of Clouds suddenly appeared, radiating an unrelenting resentment toward those fluffy sky harlots. Both teams fought hard against their now shared opponent, but there could only be one victor, and it was Revenge Pooping with a mad squat to end all mad squats in the last 20 seconds of the game.
Next, Hissing at Those Who Displease You went head to head with Never Blinking in an incredible back-and-forth match for the ages. But a quick appearance from Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy proved distracting, allowing the resurrected contender to steal the lead from both teams and ultimately win the game. Fans celebrated by brandishing their candy necklaces threateningly, leaving hundreds wounded.
Finally, we came to the big championship game between Revenge Pooping and Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy. Tensions were high as both teams took center stage. Wearing Candy Necklaces as a Warning to Other Candy started sweet and playful but menacing, but it was no match for Revenge Pooping’s spectacular shits of fury. Even an abrupt appearance from Sexual Jealousy of Clouds could not slow down this veritable shitshow. Revenge Pooping won 900 to Frowning Sun, making them the 2014 March Descent Into Madness champions.
Revenge Pooping has a rich March Descent Into Madness history. In the 1980s, coach Anger Scatsmith took Revenge Pooping from a ragtag team to the full-blown powerhouse that it is today. Considered a genius by same and tyrant by others, Scatsmith drew fire for his controversial coaching methods. During training season, Scatsmith was rumored to make players to take anger dumps from sun up to sun down, causing some players to pass out mid-squeeze. Regardless of where you stand, it’s hard to disagree that all that hard work has not paid off for these now six-time champions.
Thanks to all the supportive fans, all of you who hissed until they were hoarse to show support for Hissing at Those Who Displease You; all of you who decorated their homes and bodies in anger feces for Revenge Pooping; all who started a fire for Constantly Starting Fires (and also because they wanted to see its cleansing flames flicker in the moonlight). See you next year, but until then, see in your nightmares!