Judin’ A Book By It’s Cover: Pleasuring the Pirate by Emily Bryan

It’s time for this week’s Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

I present to you Pleasuring the Pirate by Emily Bryan. The review is in no way about the book, but what the cover tells me. I applaud anyone who finishes writing a book, but demean all unrealistic covers.

A captain takes on the adventure of women who are only allowed to please their man.

“Did you let one slip?”

Pleasuring the Pirate (face palm) by Emily Bryan. I don’t even know where to begin… there is so much…

FIRST, if you’re going to title your book Pleasuring the Pirate, please understand that you will be turning away half your audience. Let’s be honest, most women who buy these romance novels already find themselves subservient to someone in their household. I don’t think they want to fantasize about how to be even more of a servant. How do we fix this? Hide the title. BAM, profits just went up 50%!

Second, what fantasy is it of a woman to want to please a pirate. We all understand that all pirates, even Johnny Depp, tried to take advantage of women, right? Am I alone to believe that if you don’t pleasure the pirate (face palm) he’ll forgive you and you’ll live a happy life? No, that pirate will slit your throat and cut you to the curb. It’ll be your middle school break up all over again.

Third, this “pirate” has been sailing without a shirt for how long and he’s not as a dark as a ripe banana? The man is going to come down with melanoma unless the “pirate pleasure-er” is in his ear telling him to captain from the shade. It’s a shame that the fantasy is to find a pirate to tan to a bronze, but not any darker. We don’t want to encourage interracial relationships. You keep him as close to bronze as possible. I would love if this cover had a Somali pirate. Seriously. If you think about it, a pirate elicits danger and this guy looks like he should be cleaning my pool. Maybe we should rename this book to a releastic Pleasuring the Cabana Boy. This man has no scars, gunshot wounds, missing legs, a parrot! Please add one of the above and you will have a New York Times Bestseller for 40 years! You gotta be kiddin’ me Xchel! I’m not. Do you know how many teenagers walk around buying gag gifts for each other? It’s simple money.

Finally, she’s acting desperate. She’s putting it out there for him to grab onto. “Oops, I forgot my bra! How clumsy of me,” is not a way to get a man. I mean, you will get one.. for one night. Then that guy is throwing you out for the walk of shame. Women if you put it out there easy, you get dumped easier. Show a little game. Flirt and deny the man. It will drive him wild. If she would have flirted with modesty slipping into temptation, do you know this book would have been called, I’ll Marry You Right Now. Seriously, I Bought A Ring While You Were Getting Ready In The Bathroom. Where is the class? Where is the confidence in being a woman? It’s not here. She just ostrich-d neck herself into the next white pirate that will put up with her daddy issues.

I’m flunking this cover faster than a 3rd grader in a High School Honors History class. An F- would be giving this cover credit. Pleasuring the Pirate walks away with a 10% or F— (otherwise known as f@#K)! If you follow my changes listed above, I would be willing to give this cover an F. Other than that, I would like to have a lengthy discussion with the artist. I would start with, “WHY?!” and end with “Still though, WHY!?”


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