Study Shows: April Fools Day No Longer Funny

Needledickville, SD (GUR) What does April Fool’s day have in common with the Mayan Calendar that ended last year? Both are predicted to have dire consequences.
Every year, around March 30th or so, millions of Americans flock to the grocery store to pick up eggs, saran wrap and other various items in an attempt to prank someone they care about mildly for April Fool’s Day.
April Fool’s Day was started in 1883 in a small town in Arkansas. Rusty J. Trombone thought it would be funny to play a little joke on his brother and sister-in-law on their anniversary, which was April 1st. Rusty had told his brother, Jeffy, that Jeffy’s wife was waiting in the darkened barn for Jeffy to make love to her. After the session of coitus, Rusty revealed that it hadn’t been Jeffy’s wife, but Jeffy’s daughter Tessy who Jeffy had slept with.
Not one for jokes Jeffy “opened a can of whoop ass”(the first recorded instance of this phrase) on his brother Rusty and proceeded to beat him within an inch of his life. Right before Rusty passed out he was heard to mutter through a bloody, broken tooth smile “April Fools,” before the darkness overtook him.
Rusty did not have the last laugh. He had two black eyes, a scar, bleeding nose, and bandages.

Rusty J. Trombone After the Can of Whoop Ass

Jeffy laughed for two days straight, and every year the Trombone brothers started playing pranks on one another. An unintended side effect of April Fools was rampant incest through the deep south as everyone thought it was okay now.

“April Fool’s Day was never supposed to catch on. It’s just not that funny,” stated Dr. Oliver Pindlestaff Esquire, president of the Foundation for Fictitious Holidays in Scranton, PA. “We didn’t even want to continue that stupid day; it was just handed down from the previous administration. If I had the power, I would cancel it altogether.” Dr. Pindlestaff may get his wish.

Conner Tucker Jameson Carlton Smithness the third, known to his friends as Aiden, is releasing a document tomorrow listing the reasons for a worldwide ban on April Fool’s day. Most notably: “The Theory of Ocular Reversal.”

“In a nut shell, Ocular Reversal is a phenomenon that will affect the Earth’s rotation,” says Aiden. “If enough cheesy jokes are played on millions of individuals, the results could be catastrophic. A cheesy joke will make a person roll their eyes in disgust at the stupidity laid out before them.” Aiden says that enough of this eye rolling happening all at once could start off a chain reaction that could actually reverse Earth’s rotation. “Google alone could start this whole reaction off with whatever nonsense they decide to run on their home page. We can only hope the public will listen.

We got an early copy of this report to Dr. Pindlestaff who only responded with “Thank Fucking Christ.”

For more information on Ocular Reversal and Aiden’s other findings, please check out

April Fools Diagram.

April Fools Diagram.

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