As Abraham Lincoln once said, “My stovepipe hat brought me to life, and now it is ruling this divided nation. And this makes me incredibly horny. Drink Pepsi.” That very famous quote sums up exactly what we’re dealing with as we sink further into this swirling hellmouth called March Descent Into Madness.
Kicking off the Sweet 16 was a bloody, sexually charged match-up between Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Constantly Wearing a Wedding Dress. Remaining neck and neck (literally) into the last minute, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors pulled a last-minute win with 30 minutes of pelvic thrusts at the free throw line. Next, Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors will face the venerable Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes, who walloped Cry-Singing in a game scored 87 to Lizards.
Another game that left fans breathless was Certainty that You’re the Yellow King vs. Hissing at Those You Displease You. After hours of heated back and forth, including a rap battle and competitive sexually suggestive face painting, Hissing at Those Who Displease You triumphed and will advance to fight Belief that Air Bud is a Documentary.
One of the Sweet 16’s biggest surprises was in the match between Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard and Everything Is Tentacles Now?. Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard started out the game with a considerable 90,000-point lead at the half and Everything Is Tentacles Now? edged its way back to overtake the lead, leaving its opponent in the fetal position, where it will remain until the end of time. Next up, Everything Is Tentacles Now? will battle it out with top contender Revenge Pooping. Keep your eyes glued to Grown Up Recess for updates on the following Elite 8 match-ups:
- Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes
- Everything is Tentacles Now? vs. Revenge Pooping
- Belief that Air Bud is a Documentary vs. Hissing at Those Who Displease You
- Not Wearing Sunscreen Because Invisible to God vs. Never Blinking
Stay tuned and stay gold!