Judgin’ A Book By It’s Cover: My Fair Viking by Sandra Hill

A book by Sandra Hill

“So… untie me… maybe like, now?”

It’s Monday, which means it’s time for – Judgin’ a Book By It’s Cover.

This week, My Fair Viking by Sandra Hill. The review is in no way about the story. I commend anyone who finishes writing a book, but I demean unrealistic covers.

Ok, I notice she has jewelry. Obviously, she is doing well for herself. It looks like she wants to live her fantasy of finding a hot shirtless poor guy tied up for her pleasure.  I would like to believe she is in ‘love’ with him, but it’s obvious she wants to go to Sugar Momma-town. She has an I own you, but you can borrow the Mercedes look.

What do I like about this cover? She’s honest. Women migrate to lead singers looking guys. And if there is anything I know about lead singers, it’s that they don’t like shirts. If they was a clothing store for lead singers, it would have jeans, fashionable belts, and no shirts.

This guy has been a prisoner for how long, and she won’t even untie him? If my girlfriend was tied up and I came to save her, and the first thing I did was touch her chest, I would get beat upside the head. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. I would have a bruise the size of Dolly Parton’s chest. She is excited to see him, and I get that, but put it in your pants lady and help untie the guy.

For a prisoner, he doesn’t have any wounds. Talk about a load of bull sheet. If a viking caught you, and you were his prisoner, that guy would beat you around for a few minutes. ESPECIALLY, if you were better looking than him. You’re telling me this guy was so good looking that his captive was like, “I don’t want to damage your perfect face… or chest… or abs. I guess since you have pants on, I’ll punch your thighs, but not too hard. Maybe just massage them.” No, that guy would look like an eggplant! Plus, the prisoner didn’t look like he put up a fight to get caught. He probably said, “Wait, don’t hurt my face.” Pretty boys never want to do work. They’re pretty. They get by on looks alone.

No guards on the boat. I’ll repeat that, no guards on the boat. You’re telling me a 105 lbs woman, can get onto the boat by herself, fight off a gang of vikings, and find her true love unscathed? What are you smoking, and where can I get some for my conservative uncle! Xchel, she’s tough, maybe she know’s karate. A 100-ft boat housed 80-90 people. Minus 2 for the cover and you are fighting 78-88 people… no. Please, the only viking that could get beat that bad would be any viking from the NFL 2013-14 season.

Lastly, this dude has been at sea for long time and I KNOW he doesn’t have access to a tooth brush. The guy’s breath is RANK! He got breath like thunder, he need some gum. So, the first place she goes is to his face… and smells his breath… right. The scene right after this cover was probably her leaving in disgust and pink eye. If I had been missing for days and my girlfriend had found me tied up… the first thing she would do is make me chew some gum before I could even say a word.

Overall, I give this cover a D+. I like the rock star look, but I have to suspend belief long enough for gingivitis not to nauseate me. This cover would have been B, if they added Orbitz to her hand.

 

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