Kristen Stewart Does NOT Kill Local Puppy

To the surprise of everyone visiting Santa Monica Beach this afternoon, Twilight actress, Kristen Stewart, was seen holding a puppy whilst sitting on the beach. This is abnormal behavior for the actress who is best known for scowling, scowling some more and wearing Converse tennis shoes while scowling again.

“It was the strangest thing. She almost looked happy. Not like normal people happy, but her perma-frown was definitely turned very slightly upside down,” remarked fellow beachgoer, Sydney Marcin. “The only logical explanation I can come up with for her behavior is that this puppy must be a wizard in disguise, sent to the earth to destroy apathy.” According to onlookers, Stewart, cradled the puppy in her arms while scratching behind its ears and on its stomach.

“When she first asked to pet Alexus, I was terrified,” recalled Alexus’s owner, Stephen Gooz.  “I thought, ‘Oh shit! She’s going to sit on her or squeeze her like you do one of those rubber pig key chains. The ones where you squeeze them until a glob of ‘poop’ comes out the butt.”  As Gooz watched Stewart interact with Alexus, he couldn’t believe that she didn’t go all Lennie from Of Mice and Men.” According to Gooz, instead of killing his puppy, she gently picked her up and began petting her “very sweetly.”

Stewart’s affection toward a stranger’s puppy is surprising since just last month was given the nickname, “Puppy Chow” by her friends after they dined at New York’s hottest new restaurant, Dog Eat Dog. Stewart allegedly noshed on two plates of the restaurant’s special, Labradoodle legs while her friends looked on in horror.

Unfortunately this story doesn’t exactly have the happy ending we’d hoped for. After Stewart held Alexus for a few minutes, she looked at Gooz and said, “Kristen Stewart want your dog. Kristen no eat dog. Dog Kristen’s new best friend. I go now with dog. You no follow.” When Gooz attempted to stop her from walking away with Alexus, he was unsuccessful. “She stole my dog. I tried to stop her, but she started running and when I run, I can feel my ass jiggle up and down. It’s gross. No dog is worth that embarrassment.”

No word yet on if the puppy is happier with her new owner; however, many sources are reporting that Stewart has changed the dog’s name from Alexus to Draggy Blah, which is also Stewart’s middle name.

EXCLUSIVE Kristen Stewart has a lunch date with a furry friendI don’t need positivity to be a good actress. The secret to my success is simple, I only wash my hair once a month and I never eat past 10 am.    

-Kristen Stewart

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