It was only the first round of March Descent Into Madness, and we’ve already seen upsets, triumphs, bloodshed, the opening of portals into alternative universes and “Family Feud” host Steve Harvey and more bloodshed.
Many perennial favorites such as Revenge Pooping, Everything Is Tentacles Now? and Not Wearing Sunscreen Because It Makes You Invisible to God lived to see another day. One of the major surprises of the night happened when Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors beat top seed Constantly Setting Fires, a bracket killer for millions of fans. Laughing maniacally into cracked mirrors will have quite the tough opponent in Aggressive Nudity when they face off later tonight. Another shocker came in the form of dark horse Never Blinking shutting out Sleeping In a Dumpster with a winning score of 95 to Screaming. Never Blinking will go on to face University of Kentucky in the next round.
One of the toughest matchups, Belief You Can Control Ocean Tides If You Want vs. Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets, lasted into triple overtime, where Fear That Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets eked out a small victory with a last minute free throw (By free throw, we of course mean getting drunk and telling everyone about how much you spent on candy in the last month.)
As intense as things were in Round 1, we expect things to really heat up in Round 2, which starts tonight with these matchups:
- Laughing Maniacally Into Cracked Mirrors vs. Aggressive Nudity
- Stealing Dogs vs. Constantly Wearing a Wedding Dress
- Delusions of Grand Funk Railroad vs. Paranoia that Harrison Ford Will Steal Your Shoes
- Watering Plants with the Tears of Others vs. Cry-Singing
- Aggressive Dog Petting vs. Sexual Feelings Toward Mustard
- Hallucinations of Animals Telling You About Safety vs. Everything is Tentacles Now?
- Revenge Pooping vs. Writing Ransom Letters as a Fun Hobby
- Confusing Numbers With Ways to Kill vs. Wearing Candy Necklaces as Warning to Other Candy
- Amateur Denistry vs. Belief That Air Bud is a Documentary
- Picturing Everyone You Meet Lying in a Coffin vs. Sexual Jealousy of Clouds
- Certainty That You’re the Yellow King vs. Heightened Sensitivity to Stop Signs
- Fear that Carrots Will Reveal Your Secrets vs. Hissing at Those Who Displease You
- 3 a.m. Haircuts to Stop the Burning vs. Believing Green M&Ms are Harbingers of Doom
- Quitting Your Job Because of Demons in the Copy Machine vs. Not Wearing Sunscreen Because It Makes You Invisible to God
- Experimenting Medically With Leeches vs. Wearing Hats to Ward Off Hair Goblins
- Never Blinking vs. University of Kentucky