It’s Not Gay If…

Straight men who only enjoy hooking up with gay men are tired of being told by society that they are gay. It’s a label that these men vigorously battle. Their battlefield: Facebook.  In order to prove to the world that they are not gay and/or bisexual, they use their Facebook pages to share homophobic memes, altered anti-gay Bible verses and post the word “GAY” underneath pictures of male celebrities who they are secretly attracted to like Ryan Gosling, David Beckham and Tom Brady.

Professor Joshua Pannes from The University of Denver (Online) knows the straight man struggle all too well. “For years my sister would call me gay when she’d find me hooking up with my friend Tom in our garage. It hurt me so bad. I’ll never understand why one straight man making love to another straight man makes them gay.” Pannes believes that the gay label is thrown around so often due to our society’s ignorance about sexuality. “I think one day future generations will look back on our society and consider our views archaic. This is a civil rights issue. I have the right not to be labeled gay.” Pannes’ wife declined to be interviewed, but did state that she does believe her husband to be “a gay.” However, she is hopeful that he can be “cured.” She has asked him to attend the ‘Pray the Gay Away’ month-long retreat that their church hosts every summer. Pannes doesn’t plan on attending.

“My wife and her family are bigots. They are trying to deny me my right to consider myself a straight man. They are too closed-minded to realize that not every straight man wants to be intimate with this wife. After a hard day’s work, many of us just want to make love to Brian from our bowling league.”

Over the past  five years (the entirety of his marriage), Pannes has been working on the list, “It’s Not Gay If.” This list provides what he claims to be “scientific evidence that certain behaviors are not gay if other behavior is present before, during or after the time of the alleged gayness.” Pannes’ only hope  is that his list will “blow up the boxes that straight men have wrongly been placed into for so many years.”

It’s Not Gay If (aka The Big Bang Theory)- By Dr. Joshua Pannes:

  • It’s not gay if you haven’t memorized each other’s cell phone numbers
  • It’s not gay if both of you are in agreement about how “not gay” it is.
  • It’s not gay if  you are listening to Tool, Megadeath or Metallica while hooking up.
  • It’s not gay if you both agree that almond milk is for pussies.
  • It’s not gay if you buy flowers for him, but instead give them to your wife so that she shuts her stupid, ugly mouth.
  • It’s not gay if either of you is currently or has ever taken Tylenol.
  • It’s not gay if you give each other a firm handshake afterward.
  • It’s not gay if you take out your earring on your right earlobe before hooking up.
  • It’s not gay if you get paid for it in nickels.
  • It’s not gay if build a deck afterward.
  • It’s not gay if you’re both wearing the same t-shirt.
  • It’s not gay if there are more than two of you there.
  • It’s not gay if you never EVER go grocery shopping together.
  • It’s not gay if you own an American flag.
  • It’s not gay if you’re in the shower.
  • It’s not gay if you liked it a lot.
  • It’s not gay if you close your eyes and think about lasagna.
  • It’s not gay if he’s chewing gum. That gum then becomes a barrier between you and gay.

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