Bieber Chooses The Bachelor

A video of Justin Bieber lashing out at one of his lawyers is circulating the Internet. In it, Bieber says he’s been “detrimental” in his career. You can then hear one of his handler’s correct his mistake, “He’s been instrumental,” she said. Bieber dropped out of school at 6-years-old because in his words, “Books ain’t bills.” In previous interviews, Bieber has described speaking as “hard” and admitted, “I just say shit and they pay me.” Just saying shit is evident in his music. His first hit single consisted of repeating the word “Baby” throughout the song. He then said “Oh” a few times in order to be considered for a Grammy. “Beyoncé had lots of oh’s in her ‘Put a Ring On It’ song and she got a grip of Grammy’s so I just do what she do.” Even though Bieber is arguably the most successful male pop artist on the planet right now, his recent antics and the leak of this video have Americans very upset. ” However, we at GUR ask for your empathy in the wake of this great American’s mistakes.

Five Reasons Why Everyone Should Leave the Biebs Alone:

1. He probably just got his first period. It can be an extremely scary time in a young woman-looking man’s life. He’s can’t focus on proper word usage and civility. All he’s thinking is maxi pads or tampons. We recommend the Moon Cup. (Google it)

2. Maybe Bieber is the one with the fever. Did you ever for a second think that JB is suffering from a spike in body temperature that is causing him to act this way. He’s got a fever and the only cure is more  sex with cowboys.

3. He’s most likely upset because he bought a cat, but soon found out that he was allergic. The Biebs thought he could use his teen heart-throb super powers to make the cat love him without killing him, but alas, his throat started to close up and he had to do the humane thing – auction Miley Kitty on Ebay. Anyone under such stress would react irrationally.

4. Just like any other day, Bieber smoked weed before his meeting with his lawyer. It was the kind of weed that makes people the worst. Also known as a “Justin Bieber high-low.”

5. Bieber’s actions are a result of heartbreak. Despite Bieber’s pleas to ABC’s Bachelor, Juan Pablo to quit the show and give the final rose to him,  Pablo proceeded with the show to ultimately gift his final rose to one of the female contestants. Apparently not only is Pablo’s cousin gay, but so is he. He has the gay gene. As does Bieber. Hopefully one day these two kids can get together and whisper sweet homophobic slurs into each other’s ears while pretending their sexy time is “just what bros do when they’re bored.”




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