DE Jared Allen Receives Offers From Free Agency

Jared Allen visiting with fans

Jared Allen in 2013

Defensive End Jared Allen will not be returning to the Minnesota Vikings. The mullet haired Allen will test the waters of Free Agency. A happy Jared Allen is excited to see offers are coming in, but are not from anyone in the NFL.

“He’s old for an NFL player, ” stated several NFL GMs. Many added that if they needed another sideline cheerleader they would give him a call. The news that Jared Allen is old comes as no surprise as per a previous story. So who wants Jared Allen?

Several local Minnesota businesses. “Shoot, if I had him on my used car lot, I would be swimming in that money, ” stated Crazy Sal of Sal’s Used Car World. The offer is commission plus hourly at minimum wage. “I think it’s a goddamn deal!,” added Crazy Sal. Jared Allen is considering the offer.

“The only people that have submitted offers are people in Minnesota, ” said Jared. The defensive end blames his lack luster performance of the last two years. “Knowing I wasn’t going to get the money I wanted from The Vikings, I would have tried harder.”

The Minnesota Vikings finished an embarrassing season at 5-1-10, and fired Head Coach Leslie Fraizer. Currently, Leslie is goading Jared Allen into working with him at the Burnsville Pontoons & More. “We won’t be doing things that will hurt us, hurt ourselves at Pattoons & More, ” said Leslie. The offer is commission and hourly at minimum wage.

Jared Allen Selling Pontoons

Artist Rendition of Jared Allen Selling Pontoons

Jared Allen is excited to make normal people money, and experience the highs and lows of real life. “I can’t wait until it looks like I can’t pay my cell phone bill, ” stated a happy Allen. Jared says he plans to spend his time away from the NFL worrying about his next mortgage payment.

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