Cortana Impresses 2011

Microsoft has struck again!

Today, the technology giant released a glimpse  of their voice command software, Cortana. Microsoft is celebrating like it’s 2009. Satya Nadella, Chief Executive Officer, was happy with the release and expects to impress a couple of non techie people. “Today is a grand day for Microsoft as we are catching up to our competitors.” Mr. Nadella was seen sporting his newly dip dyed hair. “If you like this, we can’t wait for you to see our ‘app’ store with a release date of 2040.” Satya was speaking in front of Amish people to garner impression of amazement with no success. The Amish community quickly turned when chants of “Electricity is the Devil!,” filled the crowd.

Windows phones are gearing up for the new voice system by completely turning off and not working.

A Windows Phone

Windows Phone In It’s Natural Position: Off

We interviewed Sam Gordon, a high school techie, who seemed to burst with joy. “What is coming out? ‘Siri, What is Cortana?'”, the boy stated. Sam plans to be the first person in line online for the Windows phone featuring Cortana. He set a reminder on his iPhone through the Siri voice command.

Cortana is set to be released in 2020 with lots of bugs that won’t be worked out. Satya Nadella is excited. When asked why it took so long after Apple’s introduction of Siri he replied “Apple is run by lizard aliens that cause terrorism.” Tim Cook, Apple’s Chief Executive Officer, was quick to respond with, “Ssssssuck it Microsssssoft.”  He plans to retaliate by sending a letter filled with anthrax.   

Bill Gates isn’t worried. The richest man in the world  is planning to buy all Windows phones to increase his stock. He emphasized, “If the books on the NY Time’s Bestseller list can do it, so can I!” Microsoft will take the next year to amp up for Cortana, and will continue being the leader in releasing current technology.


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