“Let’s hurry this thing up!” Americans Live Tweeting The Oscars Before They’ve Started

Although the the 86th Annual Academy Awards Ceremony has yet to begin, Americans are already Live Tweeting the Oscars.  Twitter is blowing up with tweets from all across the country of people claiming they’ve watched already watched the yet-to-be aired ceremony. According to Twitter’s Top Academy Awards Tweeter, 62-year-old Diane Hutchinson, “Americans are sick of waiting. We get it, you’re wearing Dolchee and Cabana, blah, blah, blah. Get Giuliana Rancic some carbs and let’s get on with this thing.” Hutchinson, a part-time JoAnn Fabrics employee and full-time Matthew McConaughey-Googler is ecstatic that her Dallas Buyers Club “boyfriend” has brought home the Oscar. “His acceptance speech was amazing! I laughed. I cried. I cut my thigh with a banana peel. I just can’t stop bleeding. And now I’m ready for bed.” Hutchinson isn’t the only overzealous fan who has already “watched” the Oscars and is now headed to bed. “I still think Amy Adams’ tits should have won best original score, but they gave it to Gravity. I’m so disappointed. Everyone thinks Gravity is this technical masterpiece, but the real masterpiece is Amy’s cans and how they defy gravity.” Academy Awards President, Cheryl Boone is not happy with these early live tweets. “Viewers have already turned off their television before the show has started. We put a lot of work into this ceremony and they’re just acting like it’s the Grammy’s. The impatience of the American people is definitely going to cause us to take a hit in the ratings tonight. I just got word that over fifty percent of people on Twitter actually believe they have already watched the ceremony even though it doesn’t start for another two hours. That’s crazy!”

Here are some of the Top #Oscar Ceremony Live Tweets:

@OpenMyLegs4Leo: When Leo won tonight, I pissed my Poise pad. Thank God he FINALLY won one! I love you, baby! #Oscars

@TurntWayUp: How you going to give the Oscar to a movie that couldn’t even afford color! What is this 1988 or something? Shit’s WEAK! #Oscars

@MommyMissesCody: Best night ever! Just watched #Oscars with my son via Skype. Mommy misses u @WreckingBallC! Keep studying hard at UWRF & stay away from Molly

@PoleAndTheHole: @JonahHill wins best supporting actor #Oscar. Someone please wake me up from this nightmare.

@BobHatesObamaCare: Can’t believe that fucking communist McConaughey wins the #oscar & he’s not wearing shoes. Probably had to share them with the rest of his party.

@MorePillsPlease: My wife jumped up and “accidentally” hit me in the face when Frozen won the #Oscar. I may be blind, but maybe now she’ll shut up. #GladItsOver

@OscarBabyMomma: I’m so sad the #oscars are over. They’re my Super Bowl. I still think @SandraBullock looked like a man but I guess the man always wins.

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