The Russian Military is mobilizing their forces towards the Ukraine.
As tempers rise in the pissing match, Putin has received approval to send troops into the Ukraine. The United States is not happy and sent their first retaliation.
President Obama sent a strike, “Putin, your mother is so fat, it takes all the third world children to stitch together one pair of her underwear.” Putin pouted profusely at the cheap shot. “It’s a thyroid problem,” retorted Putin over twitter. Secretary of State, John Kerry, added injury to insult by saying “Oh dang, you a bitch Putin, you aaaa biiitttcchhh!”
As we enter a new age of technology, the rules of warfare are changing. “We don’t want the younger men to fight our wars,” claimed Republican Sen. Mitch McConnel. “It’s time we fight our own.” The country is surprised as The United States Army will be sending Senators and Representatives to Kiev.
Russia, not wanting to be outmatched, will send their parliament. The older statesmen have packed their Rolls-Royce and are headed to Kiev. “Long live Russia!,” claimed an shirtless Putin as he waved his shirt angrily above his head. As he drove off, he shouted back to the lines of Rolls-Royces, “Last one there has to kiss me, but they have to enjoy it… for realizes.”
As both militaries will feature older members, both have decided to have naked wrestling matches. The rules are whoever teabags the other first, wins. Republican Sen. John McCain is said to be a heavy favorite as sometimes his balls are huge, but most of the time they follow party lines. “I’m going to drag my balls on all their Russian faces,” McCain screamed at The United States Library of Congress. He was asked to leave for not keeping his voice below a three on a ten point scale.
Currently, Vladimir Putin is cutting a track with lots of sick burns. The track is costing the Russian tax payer 3.5 billion as they have hired famed producer Yeezus. It’s hitting iTunes on March 4th and will be titled, “Oh-Bomb-Ma’s Mama”