Alec Baldwin Gives Up

Alec Baldwin chooses to lose.

Alec Baldwin is done being a winner and he’s ready to leave Hollywood. But how come you ask? The man himself states, “I just want to shart in my undies like a NORMAL man.” When asked why now, “because tomorrow is never guaranteed for my underwear.”

Hollywood is upset and rightfully so. “Who am I going to give these giant residual checks to?,” questioned a stern SAG executive. Alec Baldwin’s Retirement Party will be held at Banana Bandaids Strip Club. “He’s going to be missed,” teared a lonely busty dancer named Chevy.

Alec Baldwin in a Paperbag covering his chest with the words not famous anymore.

Alec Baldwin is Not Famous Anymore

Mr. Baldwin says he will finally buckle down and get a normal job. “I was being outlandish by chasing my dreams unsuccessfully, and it’s time I go into a trade school.” Alec wants to care for his adult daughter and make sure she has, “enough to goto three ivy league school at the same time.” Mr. Baldwin plans to pursue being a plumber because, “they have a good pension plan.”

Alec Baldwin is best known for his roles as that guy with lots of body hair. He leaves behind a long career of being a jackass. Alec retires with one Best Actor Oscar win for I Got Cake, And I Ate It Too.

Lifetime has bought the rights to Alec Baldwin’s story and is in works with a production company. The story will incorporate fallen star Shia Labeouf. The CEO of Lifetime states, “You can expect our channel, Lifetime, to give this the same top quality treatment we usually give our other movies:  none.” He quickly summarize the plot to being a buddy cop film where they quit the force at the same time to draw attention to themselves it the most obvious way.

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