Capital Grandma

After reading in today’s newspaper that Capital One has plans to show up at a their cardholder’s homes and workplaces in order to collect their debt, a local grandmother plans to show up at her grandson’s studio apartment and collect the VCR she loaned him 15 years ago. 33-year-old Lance Narlen visited his grandmother, Frances Narlen on January 22nd 1999 with only a VHS copy of  the movie, Titanic in his hands. “Lance was a good boy so when he asked me to lend him my VCR so he could watch a movie with his girlfriend, I said yes. He said he’d return it to me the next day, and I believed him” said Frances, who has two grandsons – Lance and his brother Samuel. “I never would have expected that after that fateful day, I’d never see my grandson or my beloved VCR again.”
Grandma Frances (as she prefers to be called) is now estranged from both of her grandsons. “After Lance took my VCR, his brother, Samuel said he’d get it back for me. But that was just a lie he told me so that I’d loan him money.” Samuel visited Grandma Frances on Christmas Eve 2000 and asked for money so that he could buy a carton of GPC cigarettes. She obliged. “Last I heard, Samuel spent some time in jail for stalking an actress from the TV (Mila Kunis). When he got out, he moved to Colorado and found God. You’d think God would be harder to find than my VCR, but I guess not.”
Grandma Frances has long since given up on Samuel, but has continued to make phone calls to Lance; however, he has yet to answer. “Oh he’s got that fancy phone that tells you who’s calling so he knows it’s me. I just want to be able to watch my ‘Sweating to the Oldies’ tapes again. I’ve gained 57 pounds over the years and I know it’s because I can’t watch my Richard Simmons.” Grandma Frances continued to call Lance on a weekly basis up until last year when they stopped printing the White Pages. “I never bothered memorizing Lance’s number because I enjoyed looking it up in the White Pages. My neighbor Floyd said I can find it on that Google, but I’m not going to buy a computer just to make one phone call.”
Grandma Frances on her mobility scooter at her grandson's house.

Grandma Frances trying to get her VCR back.

Grandma Frances has never before visited Lance’s studio apartment to collect her VCR for fear that she would be arrested for trespassing or harassment, but now that Capital One is collecting debt from their customer’s homes and workplaces, she plans on making the .4 mile trip to collect her debt from Lance. “If it’s okay for the credit card companies to show up at your door, then it’s okay for grandmothers to too.” Grandma Frances plans to ride her mobility scooter straight to his front door tomorrow. “I got the Schwan’s guy coming at ten and then the mail comes at Noon. Then I take my nap, but after that, I’m going to get what’s mine.”
Despite Grandma Frances’ belief that her grandson still has her VCR, Lance’s mother, Ramone James disagrees. “He probably sold it for weed. That kid is the worst. But it ain’t my fault; he takes after his dad. And you know who you can thank for him? Grandma Frances. She made him. This whole mess is just karma.”

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