Ray Rice Guilty for Everything

Baltimore Raven’s running back, Ray Rice, is in serious trouble.

Rice Rice and 1980s Honda Civic

Ray Rice by a one of the cars he owns/probably stole.

Rice’s charges include being black and guilty for everything. Police are bringing in a report that says he got out of an expensive vehicle that he probably stole. With all the probablys in the report, Rice is sure to goto jail. Probably for a long time. This news comes as the Super Bowl Champion left court on a mistrial against the 49ers for running away with the Vince Lombardi Trophy after the conclusion of the game. Ray Rice was reached for comment and he told us, “Will you please leave room for my car? I am running late and I just have to get through. Please and thank you.” Our reporter, 40 feet away and behind a bullet proof wall, got scared and blew his rape whistle. Ray Rice was not available for comment after, as our reporter was taken away by ambulance and will be pressing assault charges against Mr. Rice.

With the amount of publicity Ray is receiving the Baltimore Ravens held a press conference, “This is where we draw the line. Minor crimes. Maybe if he would help kill someone we would be able to do something about it, but as of right now, we are kicking him out of the Ravens Organization.” When we told the Ravens PR, that our reporter who interviewed  Rice died on the way to the hospital of a heart attack due to wounds caused by talking to a black man, they responded, “He’s back on our team. We’ll clear this. Anything as long as he’s not a homo.”

Ray Rice is currently being investigated for turning men gay.

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