Corporation Builds Actual Glass Ceiling

glass-ceiling

Desert Lake Plastics in San Antonio, Texas has recently renovated their corporate home office with their new actual glass ceiling to reflect their traditions of allowing only men to move up in their company’s ranks. The company’s CEO Gavin Perkins stated, “Usually my assistant of ten years, Clair Kees, helps me come up and execute all of my great ideas, but this one, I came up with all on my own.” 

Joan Anderson, a 25-year logistics assistant at Desert Lake Plastics said, “I do like the light that comes in. What I don’t like is when they make all us, female employees, wash the glass ceiling every Friday. The men always somehow convince us that we’re way better at cleaning it than they are while they get to go to Dave and Busters.” 

Regional Production Planner, Jim Haverkamp states about the new glass ceiling, “Going on the glass roof is perfect for looking down the ladies’ shirts! Did I just say that? Because I meant to say that. Also we, the men, are only allowed on the roof so the women can literally see that we’re above them. Isn’t that great?” 

“More glass ceilings are planned to be built in the next year all across the US, we plan to increase sales by 85%,” said Howard Hutchinson, owner of Keep ‘Em Down Glass Ceilings, “I mean, at least that’s what my wife told me, she does all the bookkeeping.” 

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How To Find Your True Love at a Gay Bar in 10 Easy Steps

Gay-Bar-Photo

Follow these 10 easy steps to find your true love at a gay bar!—

Items you will need:

Weave made out of pigeon parts
Bag of beef jerky
Lonely angst

Step 1      Go to a gay bar.
Step 2      Make sure you gasp loudly at the first guy you see when you walk in and then leave right away.
Step 3      Wait 30 minutes in your car, eat the beef jerky and then come back in.
Step 4      Find the same guy you gasped at. At this point, he is now in love with you.
Step 5      Go to the bathroom and place the pigeon weave on. This will seal the deal with your fella.
Step 6      Fill your pockets with bathroom trash.
Step 7      Find a crevice or hidden area of the bar and lay down.
Step 8      Cover your face with the trash revealing only your eyes.
Step 9      Lie perfectly still staring at everyone walking by.
Step 10    Psst your fella over to you. He will be so flattered by you, that he will ❤ you forever!

Congratulations! You found true love at a gay bar!!!

Ask LesbiAnn Landers

lesbiAnn

 

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I live in a rural town in Idaho with my husband and two cats. Lately, my husband has been going out for very long drives into the city while wearing his clean underwear— And when he comes back, he smells like lady parts that aren’t mine! I think that he’s cheating on me! Should I confront him?

– Unhappy in Idaho.

Dear Unhappy,

You should DEFINITELY leave your husband FOR A WOMAN. He’s not the ONLY one who should be allowed to smell like sweet, sweet lady parts. You gotta FIND that lady he’s been slamming his grotty balls on and RIDE HER OUT GOOD! Also, stop cleaning his underwear so he can’t get any.

Yours truly,

LesbiAnn Landers.

*

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I know I’m a LeZbIaN but I’m only 13 and my MoM won’t let me date any girls even though I’m SO READY TO DO THIS!!!! I think she’s just jeaLEZ because she KNOWZ I’m going to grow up to be like, THE HOTTEST LEZZIE EVER. Like, Tegan N Sara HOT!!!! I REEAALLY want to run away from this LAME-ASS HOME and go live in PoRtLaNd with my friend Snaggletooth! Should I go?

– 13 Going On 30 Ladies.

Dear 13,

Do it!  Your mom’s a fucking labia Nazi. Say hi to Snaggletooth for me.

LesbiAnn Landers.

*

Dear LesbiAnn Landers,

I’m a 28-year-old man and I’ve been living in NYC for about a year now. Lately I’ve been dating a lot of women and it seems like they just don’t stick around. I’ve been noticing a pattern though, it’s usually right after I perform oral sex on these women when they decide to leave me. Are there any cunnilingus tips you can give me or are these women just being superficial?

– Single in NYC.

Dear Single,

What you do is, FIRST— get a SEX CHANGE and become a woman. Once you got a twat, you learn how to use it and what works and doesn’t. Learning from your own downstairs is always better! After you figure it out on yourself, you’ll have no problem going to town on those hot NYC ladies!.

Labia forever!

LesbiAnn Landers.

How to Have An Emotional Breakdown in Public in 5 Easy Steps

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1. Make sure that you just went through a break-up or just ran into an ex of yours. Also texting an ex something hurtful helps boil that bad blood. Also, inviting a family member that you hate or a friend who’s never there for you is always a good last resort.

2. Make sure that you are SURROUNDED by friends, coworkers, ex-lovers and/or family. It’s NOT worth it if no one knows you and can’t feel embarrassed for you.

3. Have access to a microphone. Emotional breakdowns are WAY better when everyone can hear you with tons of horrible feedback! Weddings, open mics, karaoke, bingo night, sound equipment stores are all great places to yell into a mic OR BRING YOUR OWN!!!

4. APPEARANCE IS KEY! Dress down for the occasion. Wearing sweatpants and an oversize flannel shirt is always a good default for emotional public breakdowns. If you are at a costume party DON’T wear a costume, if you’re at a wedding wear an ALL WHITE dress, especially if you’re male. Also the more food wrappers in your hair the better.

5. Remember that anything goes, no one’s off the hook! Pick a topic though; relapsed sobriety, childhood, failed love. Even though you’re experiencing psychosis, it’s better to have a direction AND a purpose. Don’t forget to destroy at least one thing that is private property, rip at least one piece of clothing that is not yours and to ALWAYS find an escape that involves jumping through or over something.

Enjoy your public breakdown!

5 Artsy Things To Do When You’re Poor

Are you looking for an artsy outing, but don’t have the cash to spend? If you want to feel like you’re stuck up without spending the dough follow Grown Up Recess’s 5 artsy things to do when you’re poor:

1. Unwarranted Nude Modeling

2. Stand on a corner and ask, “Spare any change of pace?”

3. Tighten your belt so that your regular jeans become skinny jeans.

4. Late bills? Call your loved ones for Monopoly money.

5. Stay unemployed.

 

GameStop Now Trading Used Games For Firm Handshakes

GRAPEVINE, TEXAS – Video game retailer GameStop has announced it will begin a new trade-in value system based on firm handshakes, winks, and smiles.

“The game industry is being increasingly dominated by digital distribution, which is to be expected,” said GameStop spokesperson Aaron Christensen. “But in these twilight years of physical media, GameStop wants to send a clear message that your used games still have value in our stores.”

Charts on the company’s website indicate used titles from the latest generation of video game consoles may yield as much as three pats on the back and a warm hug.

“Most PS4 titles will at least get you the handshake,” added Christensen. “Really hot titles like Titanfall will also get you a high five, and PowerUp Rewards members, as always, are entitled to a couple of attaboys. You won’t find value like that with the big box retailers who also have trade-in programs.”

Best Buy representative Ian Ross remarked that the electronics retailer has its own plans in place for a similar tiered trade-in system comprised of fist bumps and approving nods.

“We’re not about to be left behind in this arena,” stated Ross. “Best Buy is going to tie this in with its store-wide rewards program already in place, allowing you to save up those winks and grins in an online account.”

At press time, a customer at an area GameStop was handing over a barely used copy of Wolfenstein: The New Order, prompting a game advisor to open an empty cash register, out of which a lonely tumbleweed promptly rolled, carried on a whistling breeze.

Man Loses Son Claims YouTube Made Him Do It

Fayetteville, NC – It what appears to be an open and shut case for authorities is turning into a rampant call for YouTube to shutdown.

Denny Forrester, a fifth grader at Tacoma Elementary, was suppose to stay near his house. He ventured out and lost his way back. Denny found a police officer and cried that he couldn’t find his way home. His father, Sam Forrester, didn’t notice, but Denny was returned by the Fayetteville Police Department. Upon answering the door, Sam scolded his boy for leaving the house. The police were going to arrest Sam for negligence, but instead Sam shouted, “YOUTUBE MADE ME DO IT!” Sam claims he lost his son because he was stuck in a YouTube Rabbit Hole. A Youtube Rabbit Hole is when keep clicking on new videos even though it has nothing to do with your original search. Now the internet is on a massive witch hunt for YouTube to be shut down.

Many have taken to Facebook to voice their opinions to their peers of like minded opinion. “Everyones agree with me, just look at my Facebook likes,” said Ray Clemmings. Out of his 47 friends, he received 46 likes on his ‘Call to Arms’ status. Ray will be deleting his friend, Paul Higgins, whom did not agree. Paul passed away 3 months ago, but that does’t matter to Ray. Mr. Clemmings added, “If you don’t wanna agree with me, don’t be an asshole on my page.”  In response to Ray’s status, Sally Owens brought up the fact that bookstores have a bigger Technology section than a Religion section. We have reached out to Barnes & Noble who claim YouTube made them do it.

The ‘Call to Arms’ is coming from people looking to blame anything else but themselves. “It’s happened to all of us,” said Mrs. Samson, who lost his child last year. “If YouTube wasn’t around, I would have payed more attention to my kid. Honest.” Mrs. Samson was not seen crossing any fingers, so GUR knows she was serious.

Politicians of North Carolina are worried civilians will not deal with the real issue: how YouTube needs to be shut down. State litigation is taking place to ban YouTube in schools, churches, and space. State Senator Ron Carlson says, “If I knew how to YouTube’d,  it would probably explain why I lost my kids years ago.”

Denny Forrester is glad to be back home with his parents. “I hope one day, my dad admits he doesn’t like to hang out with me,” said Denny. “Luckily, I know how to get home now. I watched some YouTube videos about what to do if you’re lost.” Denny’s father, Sam, is pursuing a civil lawsuit against YouTube. He’s suing for emotional damages in having a child, and for YouTube to send him back in time to before he had a child. Until then, Sam plans to “research” YouTube’s black magic.

Married Man Recounts Day He Lost His Balls To Wife

El Segundo, CA – John Peters, a 32 year old Internet Engineer, shared the exact moment he lost his testicles in his 8 year marriage.

The event happens to all men in their marriages. It’s the point where they keep their opinions to themselves because it makes the relationship smooth. Many scientist call this phenomenon “The De-Ball,” “She got ya Dick!,” and “Damn dude, you in love.”

John claims it was a cold December night and they were heading home from his wife’s Christmas work party. “I had just got done apologizing for not agreeing with her, but I kept getting berated.” The so-called “PHP l0Rd” recalls a long silence followed by, “You got my DICK.” The situation was solved when Mr. Peters gave up his opinions in order to achieve a calm life. “My wife, Jeanine, was super pissed and I was confused,” John added. The middle manager now stays in his corner of the house, where he collects bobble heads of cartoon characters from the 1980s.  “I’m proud to own Donatello from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” he said as we were leaving. “Sorry you guys have to leave, but my wife doesn’t want company past 8,” he added.

As every man’s deballing is a different experience, they all share the same fate. If you find yourself in this situation, please call your father-figure and apologize for not understanding why be was always quiet. Your mother-figure wanted it that way, and it was too late for your father-figure to return from “The De-Ball.”